Waiting Game
by muppet47
Summary: If this was what really being in love felt like Kate wasn't sure she was going to survive it. Not like this was news, but obviously something was seriously wrong with her.  Winner of FanFic: Best Humor in the 2012 Castle Fan Awards
1. Chapter 1

Waiting Game

**7:59 am, street**

She was almost to the 12th before Kate admitted to herself that walking to work had been a terrible idea. Terrible, but necessary. She knew she would have jumped out of her skin if she had had to sit still on the subway surrounded by people, despite her exhaustion.

It was snowing, and had been coming down steady since about 4 am. By the time Kate reached the precinct steps it was falling so hard her coat and hair were covered in it, and it was getting dangerously cold. She shivered as she stepped through the doors, feeling creaky and bleary eyed. Muddled and out of focus, except for the one thing – person – she couldn't stop thinking about.

They hadn't gotten called last night, hadn't had a case since the one they wrapped yesterday morning, and Kate should have felt great from a rare night of uninterrupted sleep. And she would, if she had been able to get to sleep. Instead she had lain awake in the dark, idly rubbing the skin around her scar, trying her damnedest not to think about the fact that she hadn't talked to Castle since the day before. Watching the snow, trying not to reach for her phone.

Because it was ridiculous. She was ridiculous. She should be able to go one day without talking to him. It wasn't even that she had needed him for anything in particular. Their case that morning had been pretty open and shut, so easy that she had let Ryan and Esposito figure it out on their own. No Castle theories necessary. No, she hadn't needed him for anything.

Except that suddenly it seemed like Kate needed him for everything, and she wasn't sure how much longer she could stand it. It wasn't that she needed him to build theory with her, needed the ideas that his fascinating, twisty mind provided. It wasn't just that she wanted his company, enjoyed his lighthearted levity, the way he made everything so much more fun. It wasn't even that she just wanted him. It was that sometime since they had returned to the precinct she had lost the ability to be without him.

Kate wasn't sure when it had happened. She had spent an insane amount of time thinking about it, going over their every interaction since she'd been back, trying to pinpoint the exact moment he had become essential to her. Except it wasn't working. Reviewing each moment with him just lead to the one before it, and the one before that, going back so far that she couldn't see the beginning, could no longer imagine her life untangled from his.

If this was what really being in love felt like Kate wasn't sure she was going to survive it. Not like this was news, but obviously something was seriously wrong with her. Other people managed to be in love and to be happy without putting people off so long that there was a real possibility they would give up. Would realize they had no choice but to decide you weren't worth it and move on.

Even the thought made Kate catch her breath. She was trying to get better; she really was, so she knew that this was the fear behind her almost desperate need to talk to him, to see him. Her shrink had asked her point blank what she was afraid of, and since she honestly wanted to get better, she had tried to think about his question. She wasn't able to do so for long, but she was able to recognize the gut wrenching panic and serious need to throw up that occurred whenever she considered Castle giving up on her as the answer in and of itself. Progress. If only she knew what to do with it.

Kate had never been so stuck. And not even for the obvious reasons. It horrified her to need him this much, to know that if she lost him that would be it for her, but she was almost used to that feeling. She knew if something were to happen to Castle tomorrow, the damage was already done. It wouldn't matter if they were together or not. She would never get over it, anyway.

As she waited in line for security Kate thought about her newest issue, brought to light after her therapist asked her once or twice or a hundred times why, if she realized what he meant to her, it bothered her so much to need Castle. It was impossible for her to articulate a reason, just a vague and foggy feeling of panic, until after working with Serena Kaye.

It wasn't that Kate believed she had behaved unprofessionally, because she didn't. She would have gone after any viable suspect with the same tenacity she had shown towards Serena Kaye, but never with the same hateful joy. She had _wanted_ Serena Kane to be guilty, and not because she wanted the case to be over. If Kate arrested her then Serena couldn't go to dinner with Castle. Couldn't go back to her hotel room and kiss him again, and…

Jealous. Kate had wanted her to be the murderer because she was jealous.

Jealous, obsessive, irrational. Could she act more like a 7th grade girl with an unhealthy crush? What was next, doodling "Kate Castle" on the damn murder board?

It was like she didn't even know herself anymore. And if Kate didn't recognize herself, how would Castle? He told her he loved her and she believed him, but he said it to the Kate Beckett he knew. Badass. Independent. Not this clingy, needy mess who lies awake at night trying not to call him.

This is what is bothering her, terrifying her. That her feelings for him will crash over them like a tidal wave, overwhelming them both. She can't move forward yet. First she has to get herself under control.

And then get more comfortable with feeling so vulnerable. And then solve her mother's murder. God, she was a mess.

It was worse when she didn't have anything to distract her. Like now.

What she needed was a really good murder. Something complicated, with twists and turns and red herrings; to really use her mind, so that she wasn't spending all her time thinking about Castle. Of course, if they had a murder she would have a legitimate reason to call Castle, but Kate tried to tell herself that that wasn't the reason. She wasn't so far gone that she actually wanted someone to get killed so she could talk to him. She hoped.

Kate stepped through security, noticing in the back of her mind that it wasn't much warmer in here than outside, and wondered if he was already here. Immediately she scoffed at herself. It was 8 o'clock, the crack of dawn to Castle. There was no way he would be here without a case.

She really wanted a case.

Kate skirted around a group of three handcuffed women, all of whom were abysmally dressed for the weather in tights and leotards, being corralled by two uniforms she recognized from Robbery. She caught Jenkins' eye as she pushed the elevator button. He jerked a thumb at the three girls.

"Can you believe it? Actual cat burglars."

What?

Kate glanced back to see that two of the girls were wearing headbands with cat ears. The third, a brunette sporting ripped tights and several scratches across her arms and face, seemed to have lost hers, along with one of her shoes.

"No way."

"Yeah." Jenkins, a heavyset guy in his late forties with a face from a James Cagney movie, shook his head. "Damnedest case I've ever seen. You've never seen such a crime ring. Took us three months to break it. Not just these…ladies. Their whole damned circus was in on it."

"A circus? A cat-burglar circus crime ring?"

"I know, right?" Jenkins shook his head again, his lips twitching in what for him passed as a smile. "Damnedest thing," he repeated, as he and the other uniform herded the cat squad into the elevator.

Kate watched the elevator doors close. She stood in the lobby, fighting it for about thirty seconds until she broke and pulled out her phone. Kate couldn't help it. It wasn't that she needed to talk to him, she told herself, it's that it would be plain cruel if she _didn't_ call Castle. A circus! With cat burglars!

As his phone started to ring she could feel the smile slowly breaking across her face. She felt better already.

* * *

><p><strong>8:07 am, 12th precinct, lobby<strong>

His phone rang five times before he picked up, long enough for Kate to begin to be way more disappointed than she was willing to admit to herself.

"Hello? Hello? Dammit."

There was a staticky crackling noise, followed by a thump and Castle indistinctly cursing.

"Castle?"

He popped back on the line. "Beckett? Sorry, I couldn't get my phone out of my pocket and hold the coffee at the same time."

"You dropped your phone?"

"Well, I didn't want to drop your coffee."

Kate turned towards the wall in the lobby so no one could see her smiling like an idiot.

"My coffee? Does that mean you're gracing us with your presence this morning? And the sun's barely up!'

"Tell me about it. The things I do to serve Lady Justice. And by Lady Justice, I mean you." Castle's voice was light and teasing, but Kate felt her stomach drop all the same. "So tell me detective, where should I meet you?'

"What?"

"Where should I meet you? There's a body, right? Isn't that why you're calling me?"

Right. She called him.

Kate wasn't even going to think about how excited she was to tell him something that she knew would delight him, or how pleased she was that she got to be the one to do it. It felt so good to be talking to him, and she just wished she could see his face. Her words burst out in a rush.

"Robbery busted a crime ring last night and is bringing them in now and guess what?"

"What?'

"They're cat burglars. Dressed as actual cats. And they're from a circus. All of whom are involved in said crime ring. It's a cat-burglar circus crime ring."

Castle actually gasped. He must have moved the phone away from his face, because she heard him shout something, and then a minute later all the street noise behind him disappeared. "You still there?" he asked.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm in a cab. A cat-burglar circus crime ring? I've got the get there faster."

* * *

><p><strong>8:25 am, 12th precinct, bullpen<strong>

"Bro, tell me that is not a fucking _ferret._" Kate looked up from hanging her jacket on the back of her chair to see Esposito staring into the half-opened bottom drawer of Ryan's desk. He hadn't made it to his own desk yet, and was leaning over Ryan's holding the drawer opened with one hand. The other was clutching his coffee cup so tightly his knuckles were turning white. He said "ferret" the way some might say "snake" or "tarantula" or "serial killer".

Ryan slammed the drawer shut with his foot, nearly taking off Esposito's thumb. "No! Shh! God!" He was practically breaking his neck as he impossibly swiveled his head in all directions at once. "Do you want Gates to hear you? She catches me with this and I'm on traffic duty until Christmas."

Esposito was still staring, disgusted, at the closed drawer. "If that's a ferret, I will back her up 100%. You know how I feel about..." He dropped his voice to a hiss as Ryan made frantic shushing noises at him. "You know how I feel about ferrets."

Ryan sighed and glanced up at Kate. "Esposito has a thing about ferrets."

Kate turned to Esposito, who had backed up against her desk and was now looking furious and like he wanted to throw-up. "So I gathered." She shook her head a little, suddenly wondering how and why she was having a conversation about ferrets. Ferrets? "Wait, what?" She hadn't even had any coffee yet.

"They're nasty. Snakes with fur." Esposito shuddered.

"Why…why are we talking about ferrets?"

"Because Ryan has one in his fucking desk drawer!"

"Oh my god! Shhhh!" Ryan was started to sweat, his eyes almost rolling in his head as he tried to make sure Gates wasn't just out of sight somewhere. "I'm sorry, okay! I picked it up from my cousin this morning. I'm taking it to Jenny at lunch. You weren't supposed to have to see it!"

Esposito twisted his face in disgust. "You're giving Jenny a ferret? Like as a _gift_?"

"It's for her kindergarteners. It's going to be the class pet."

"You got _kids _a ferret?"

Ryan looked a little peeved. "Not everyone has your ferret issues, dude. The kids are excited."

"Whoa." Kate held her hands up, still unable to believe she was talking about ferrets before 8:30 in the morning. This on top of the cat burglars –she vaguely wondered if she was still at home asleep. She was way too tired for this. "Ryan, a ferret's not going to stay in your desk drawer until lunch."

"No, it's cool. I gave him Dramamine, because he gets carsick..."

"Awesome," interjected Esposito. "A _barfing_ ferret."

"It's not...look, it knocks him out so he'll sleep until I take him to Jenny." Ryan cast a pleading look at Esposito. "I'm really sorry, man, but you won't even know he's here."

Esposito shook his head. "Bro, if I have to see that thing…"

"You won't. He's totally out. See?"

Ryan started opening the drawer just as Kate noticed Gates rounding the corner.

"Gates! Gates!" she hissed, leaping up to stand in front of Ryan's desk in a bizarre panic reaction that Ryan and Esposito must have shared, because not one of them thought to slam the drawer shut.

Instead, they stood in front of the ferret drawer like they were five-years-old and trying to hide a mess from their mom. Kate wanted to roll her eyes at herself, because honestly, when had they become the Keystone Cops? She couldn't because they were all busy staring at anything but Gates, like they were trying to avoid detection from a predator.

It didn't work. She was headed straight for them.

Gates stopped directly in front of them, flipping through a memo while she started talking.

"Good morning. I..." She looked up at the three of them. Kate could feel Ryan trembling beside her.

Gates took in their wide, panicked eyes and mistook it for attentiveness. "Well, aren't you three bright-eyed this morning." She glanced at her memo again. "We've had a quiet night. Nothing going on. I trust you will get caught up on your paperwork."

Kate fought the urge to roll her eyes at being spoken to like an uncooperative 11th grade study hall class. Gates turned to go and Kate could feel Ryan beginning to slump in relief when she turned back.

"Oh, and Robbery will be using Interrogation One today. The heat is out on the second floor and their interrogation rooms are unusable. I trust that won't be a problem?"

"No, sir," they chorused. Like the damn three musketeers.

Just as Gates started to walk away, Kate heard it. A scratching noise, followed by a squeak, and then Ryan started having the loudest, fakest coughing fit she'd ever heard, while Esposito just stood there with his eyes bugging out. Oh good lord. Kate sighed on the inside. Most days she felt like a professional adult. This was not one of those days.

Gates was staring at Ryan, her lip slightly curled with distaste. He sounded like he was about to cough up a lung. If he kept it up much longer he was going to make himself throw-up.

"Are you all right, Detective Ryan?"

"Fine," Ryan gasped, actually giving Gates a thumbs-up. "Just…allergies."

Kate briefly wondered if he really was allergic to ferrets. That would just make the whole situation perfect.

"Well, then." Gates gave a little nod as she turned away. "Carry on."

With Ryan still coughing on one side of her and Esposito frozen on the other, Kate questioned how it was that the most ridiculous situation on earth was happening to her without Castle present. What were the odds?

Speaking of, Castle chose that moment to emerge from the elevator, snow in his hair and, thank the lord, a coffee in each hand. "It's snowing!" he called out, clearly delighted.

Kate's heart stumbled a little when she heard his voice. Recently it was almost too much, when she would see him after some time apart. It was like she had to get used to him, his presence, the fact that he loved her, all over again, every time, and for those first few moments she was overcome.

First thing in the morning was the worst, but recently it had gotten so bad that sometimes she could feel her heart turn over if they happened to have been separated for lunch. She was pathetic.

Last week he had been doing book signings around the city and she hadn't seen him for three days in a row. When he strolled in on the fourth morning, smiling and bearing coffee, it had almost been too much. Seeing him, the sheer relief of it, had been so strong that Kate had actually had to excuse herself to the bathroom. She had leaned against the sink and reminded herself to breathe. Tried to still her racing heart. Wiped away the ridiculous moisture from her eyes, stared in the mirror, and wondered who in the hell was the woman staring back at her.

Today it only lasted a second, a quick drop of her stomach, the slightest intake of breath, and then Kate was able to watch him coming towards her. Her secret unacknowledged fear that one day he wouldn't come in - because he was bored, because he realized she might never be ready for the way he made her feel – was once again temporarily assuaged.

Castle stopped just before Kate's desk, clearly nonplussed at the sight of the three of them standing stock still and shoulder-to-shoulder in front of Ryan's desk.

"Hey guys." He slowly cut his eyes from one to the other as he held out a coffee in Kate's direction. "What's up?"

A beat of silence.

Then.

"Ryan has a ferret," Kate offered.

"In his desk," Esposito choked out.

"It's for Jenny," Ryan added.

"Oh, cool." Castle's eyes lit up. "Wedding present?"

This time Kate did roll her eyes.

* * *

><p>AN - This was supposed to be one-shot inspired by an interview Stana Katic gave in which she said she thought it would be funny to see the gang stuck at the precinct with no murders to investigate. It has gotten out of hand. Much of it is written and I know how it ends, but I want to start NaNoWriMo next week. If there is any interest in this I will make a heroic effort to finish it before next Monday. Please review and let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N - I have been completely and totally blow away by the response to this story and thank you all so, so much. To every person who reviewed or favorited or alerted, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. You guys are awesome - this is the best fandom ever.:)

* * *

><p><strong>8:35 am 12th precinct, Beckett's desk<strong>

"Cat-burglars _and_ ferrets!" Kate leaned back in her chair, finally drinking her coffee, and watched as Castle paced back and forth in front of her desk, too keyed up to sit still. "This is the best morning ever! Is it always this fun when you don't have a case? I should randomly come in more often."

"Talk to me after about an hour of paperwork, we'll see if you're still this excited." Kate bit her lip to hold back her smile, but she knew she was practically beaming at him anyway. At his infectious joy, the way he could find fun in anything. Intellectually she could remember a time when she found it annoying but she could no longer remember why. Not that he needed to know that.

"Don't tease me." Castle wiggled his eyebrows at her, and he was so over-the-top yet honestly charming that Kate had one of those surreal moments when she couldn't believe her life.

Castle was _Richard freaking Castle_, and she worked with him every day. She could call him wherever she wanted, and he dropped by her apartment when he needed to tell her something or just when he was bored. He wrote bestselling novels about a kick-ass awesome woman that he said was inspired by her, and he told her he loved her when he was afraid they were the last words she would ever hear. The awe she sometimes still felt for the celebrity, coupled with the aching tenderness she felt for the man both hit her at once, like a punch to the solar plexus, and she abruptly leaned back in her chair, her hand to her chest.

"Hey. You okay?" Castle stopped pacing, concern dropping over him in an instant, and it squeezed her heart that much more.

"Yeah." She shook her head and he was Castle again. Occasional goofball. Always her partner. The awe departed, but the tenderness remained, and she had the urge to step up beside him, to slip her hands under his jacket and around his back; to press her body against his just to feel his heat and solidity. She took a huge gulp of coffee, wincing a little as it burned on the way down. "I'm good."

"Okay." Castle paused, his eyes still searching her face, ascertaining for himself that she was all right. He did that a lot now. Kate pretended not to notice.

Castle must have decided to believe her, because he swung into his seat beside her desk and propped his chin up in his hand, his eyes twinkling at her. Twinkling? Oh, she had it bad today. She needed a case and she needed it right now, or she was in danger of spending the whole day mooning over Castle. This was an angry, violent city, why hadn't someone been shot yet?

"So," Castle opened the drawer next to him and pulled out the paperclip chain he worked on whenever he watched her do paperwork, "what's Esposito's deal with ferrets?"

"I don't know." Kate realized she sounded a little short, but she really needed to concentrate on working so that she could feel like a grown-up and not a puddle of infatuated goo, and it's just that he was _right there_. She flipped through the case file on her desk and saw the paperwork was already complete. Damn. Excuse gone. She looked up. "They're not that bad. This one is kind of cute."

Earlier Ryan had cracked the drawer just enough to give them a glimpse of the drugged-up ferret, asleep on its back with all four paws in the air. Castle made awwing noises while Esposito choked back a kind of a distressed gag and bolted towards the bathroom. He hadn't come back yet.

"You don't know? So there's a story here?" Castle got that look on his face, his building theory face. He sat up straighter, his mind obviously whirling. "Was he bitten by a ferret as a child? No. Boring. Did he unintentionally cause harm to a ferret in his youth, and thus becomes wracked with guilt whenever he is forced to confront one?"

Kate stifled an amused eye-roll as Castle stood up and began to pace back and forth again. "No, that won't work, because then he wouldn't be disgusted by ferrets. Instead, his guilt would drive him to protect them. Esposito would be like batman, but for ferrets."

Kate tilted her head at him and tried her best not to laugh, but some bubbled out anyway. "Batman for ferrets? Next you're going to say the ferret was a rogue CIA agent."

Castle stared at her like she was brilliant. "That would be awesome." He gasped. "It could have been involved in something like that pigeon project from WWII, the ones that carried messages? But with ferrets."

"Or maybe." Kate couldn't believe she was indulging him, but seemed unable to stop herself. "Maybe Esposito was abducted by ferrets. And probed. By ferrets."

"Oh my god, please let that be it." Castle stopped pacing and stood there with his mouth hanging open, his eyes wide with glee, staring at her like she was his most favorite person in the whole wide world. Kate had to look away.

"Well," she coughed a little, trying to get her heart out of her throat. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it's something a little less dramatic."

"But I love dramatic!"

"Really?" Kate arched her eyebrow. "I did not know that about you."

Castle didn't even bother to respond as he shot her an excited smile over his shoulder and turned on his heel. He sauntered over to Ryan's desk and propped himself against the corner, motioning to Kate to come closer as he leaned down to whisper to Ryan.

"Ryan, dude. Why does Esposito hate ferrets?"

"You'll have to ask him, man." Ryan, still shaken from nearly getting busted by Gates, had been sitting at his desk doing paperwork and trying to keep it together. He was succeeding, sort of. He had almost stopped sweating, but his voice was still a little horse from the coughing.

"No, seriously, why? I'm just going to keep asking you." Castle leaned over further in an attempt to stare in his eyes, like he was trying to hypnotize the story out of him.

Ryan refused to look up. "Believe me; you don't really want to know."

"Still asking. Because I do want to know. Why wouldn't I want to know? Why? Why? Why?"

Ryan slammed down his pen, his nerves shot. "Fine. His college roommate had a ferret."

Castle frowned. "That's it? His roommate had a ferret?"

"Look, I don't know the whole story, just that apparently, ferrets like to play with things that dangle and in college Esposito used to sleep commando."

Castle's face could not have been more horrified. He leapt to his feet, his hands in the air. "Never mind. You're right. I don't want to know."

"That's what I thought."

* * *

><p><strong>9:16 am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen**

"Esposito! You okay, man?"

Kate closed her last case file and looked up to see Esposito coming back down the hallway. Ryan was sitting straight up at his desk, smiling at him hopefully.

Esposito stalked the rest of the way to his desk and threw himself into his chair. "I'm fine."

"You sure? You were gone kind of a long t…"

Esposito held up his hand to stop him, "I'm _fine_, bro. Just let it go."

Kate glanced at Castle, who was sitting in his chair staring at Esposito, his paperclip chain forgotten on the corner of her desk. He still had a faintly horrified look on his face, as though he was imagining all the ways a ferret could wreck havoc on a man's tender anatomy. Castle cleared his throat.

"Have you been in the bathroom this whole time?

Esposito looked at him quizzically, "No. Why?"

"No…no reason." Kate noticed that Castle was staring fixedly at Esposito's face, almost like he was trying not to glance at any other part of his body that may or may not have been mauled by ferrets. She couldn't resist.

"We blew it." Kate whispered so that only Castle could hear. "We didn't guess 'received sexual advances from a ferret'."

"Not funny." Castle narrowed his eyes. "I think I'm a bad influence on you."

Now Kate did laugh out loud. She couldn't help it. She felt almost giddy with teasing him, and she was busy smiling at him and thinking up a comeback when Esposito pointedly coughed.

"Not to interrupt anything, but do we have a case yet?"

Kate jerked her head toward him, chagrined. She could feel herself deflating. Right, she was at work. "Um, no. Nothing."

"It's the snow. It's hiding all the bodies"

Kate sighed. "It's weird. Nobody has anything, except Robbery with that circus case. I don't like it."

Castle perked up at the mention of the cat-burglar circus crime ring.

"Where are the cat-burglars? I saw a few trapeze artists in the elevator when I got here, but they were just wearing boring old trapeze costumes, not cat suits."

"I don't know. They're supposed to be using our interrogation room but no one's been up here yet. They must be in lock-up, or they're still bringing them in."

"Hey." Castle leaned in closer, like he was going to tell her a secret, and Kate instinctively moved towards him. Without any warning their faces were inches apart.

Castle swallowed, and his voice suddenly sounded a little forced, "Um... I mean, do you think we can go see them in lock-up?" Kate wasn't positive, but his eyes may have just darted down to the vee of her shirt. "I just want a glimpse."

Kate couldn't answer because she was concentrating on reminding her lungs to expand and contract. She was inundated with the sensation of _him._ His eyes, his lips, were all she could see, and all she could think was that she was an idiot for not grabbing this happiness right now, while it was here, before she ruined it or drove him away. Her heart was thumping too hard and she couldn't stop staring in his eyes, which were slowly changing from teasing to something else, something...

Castle abruptly leaned back, grabbed his coffee and took a huge swig. He set it down on the desk and smiled at her. "But no big deal if you can't. I know we're not supposed to go into lock-up without a reason now, what with Gates and everything."

"What?" Kate felt light-headed. She was still staring, stupid with the need just to touch him, to reach out and lay her hand along the side of his throat. To press her lips to that soft spot just under the corner of his jaw.

"I said it's no big…hey, earth to Beckett." Castle gently waved his hand in front of her eyes, accidently brushing few strands of her hair. Even that almost nonexistent contact was too much, and Kate was on her feet before she realized it. Her mouth felt dry, and she knew with absolute certainty that she was not going to make it through a whole day like this.

"Kate?" Castle looked worried again.

"Sorry." Kate stepped back, tried to smile. Oh, but she must look totally like a crazy person. "Um, coffee? Yeah, I'm just going to run to the break room. Do you want anything?"

"No. I'm good." Now he looked confused, no doubt thinking about the extra large coffee he had handed her 30 minutes ago. The one that was still half full and sitting in the middle of her desk.

"Well, okay, I'm just gonna..." Kate turned down the hall just as the elevator dinged and the doors slid opened. She stopped in dead her tracks. No. Way.

Jenkins was the first one off, and when he saw her standing there his ghost of a smile flitted across his face again. "This case, what did I tell you." He jerked his head at the other occupants of the elevator before stepping to the side to let them begin to file past him on the way to the interrogation room. Kate could just stare.

The elevator was packed with clowns.

Packed. Wall to wall clowns. Kate wasn't sure where or how Jenkins had even fit. Several clowns had already gotten off but the number in the elevator didn't seem to be decreasing.

One after another after another they walked past, every kind of clown imaginable. Ones with smiles and ones with frowns, with huge red noses and rainbow colored frizzy hair. They had suspenders, fuzzy buttons, striped socks and enormous sunglasses; they were carrying horns and squirting flowers. One was on stilts.

"Do you guys see this?" Esposito appeared beside her, his voice incredulous. "Are you kidding me?"

"Are we being Punk'd?" Now Ryan was on her other side, turning this way and that, peering at the ceiling for cameras. "Is that show still on?"

Suddenly Castle was behind her, so close she could feel the heat from his body seeping through her clothes, his breath hot in her ear. A shiver chased up her spine, and she had no idea why she wasn't leaning into him right this minute.

His voice nearly squeaked he was so thrilled. "They're part of the cat-burglar circus crime ring. They have to be."

Kate mutely nodded; all she could manage with him so close.

"Let me guess." Castle was almost vibrating with excitement. "They drove the getaway car."

* * *

><p><strong>9:34 am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen**

"Beckett. Castle. Esposito. In my office. Now." Gates appeared with no warning and stood at the door to her office, waiting to shut the door behind them.

The four of them jumped. They were still standing in the hallway, having just watched the last of the clowns head into interrogation. From behind the closed door they could still hear faint and intermittent honking.

Castle glanced at Kate and Esposito, confused. He'd only been here for an hour, and he'd spent practically the whole time at Kate's desk. He hadn't had the time or opportunity to piss her off yet.

Was this about the ferret? But that was Ryan's deal. Esposito clearly thought so; he was staring at Ryan mouthing, "I'm not going down for you," as he followed Kate into Gate's office.

Kate herself looked completely clueless, even glancing over her shoulder as if to make sure he was still following her. When she caught his eye she offered him a small smile, and his breath caught in his throat.

She was going to have to stop that.

Stop with the smiles, the little touches, the hilariously cute remarks, because if she didn't he was going to lose it. He was trying so hard to do as she asked; to give her time and space, but it was becoming impossible when everything about her, from her eyes to her tone of voice, said that she didn't really want those things.

Maybe she didn't realize what she was doing. His overactive imagination and desperate longing were probably making him misinterpret everything, but she certainly seemed to have no problem getting in his space. His heart was still in minor overdrive just thinking about five minutes ago when she had leaned in to talk to him, so close he could smell her hair. It was all he could do not to kiss her right then; her lips, her neck, and he had had to jerk himself away to keep from actually doing it. Not even talking about ferrets and cat burglars could control his response to her. It was like the closer….

"Mr. Castle! Am I wasting your time? Perhaps you would be better served at home?" Castle started as he realized he'd been daydreaming about talking to Kate about ferrets and had missed the beginning of Gates lecture #84. Kate was staring at him and slightly shaking her head, her eyes wide, while Esposito was trying not to laugh, the traitor.

"Uh, no ma… no sir." Castle stammered. "You're welcome to waste my time." Gate narrowed her eyes while Beckett closed hers in despair. "I mean, I'm good. Here. With you guys. I'm….good."

"Thank you, Mr. Castle. What a relief." Gates squinted at him as if she wasn't sure if he was making fun of her or if he was just an idiot. "If I may continue?"

Castle decided she was probably speaking rhetorically and therefore tried keep his mouth shut while looking attentive. It was hard.

"Thank you." Gates glared at Castle once more before turning to the three of them. "I have something I need to discuss with you. A memo has come from upstairs." Gates picked up the memo from her desk, waved it back and forth in front of them. "It's a reminder that all inter-agency relationships – romantic relationships - must be reported and on file."

It took about half a second for him to realize what Gates was getting at, but then Castle was so shocked he actually managed to choke on his own spit a little. This…this was not good. The silence, the total, horrified silence, was so complete it was like all the air had been sucked out of the room. It would almost be funny if he wasn't sure that this was somehow his fault, and that Kate was going to kill him. It took everything he had not to look at her.

"So?" Gates was looking at the three of them expectantly. "Does anyone have anything he or she would like to share?"

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. Now Castle did risk a glance across the room. Kate, all motionless long limbs and wide eyes, looked very much like an actual deer caught in headlights. Esposito just looked pissed.

"What do you mean? Sir?" Now Esposito _sounded_ pissed. Between this and the ferret he was really having a bad morning.

Gates turned towards him. "I'm not saying anything, Detective Esposito. I am just reminding everyone that in my department, my people follow regulations." She crossed her arms, the glare back. "I am not going to speak to anyone directly, but I trust you will understand what I mean. _Some_ of you," she pointedly stared at Esposito, "are spending way too much time in the morgue…"

Esposito drew in a breath for some sort of denial or retort but Gates kept going right over him. "...and _some_ of you," her gaze shifted from Castle and then to Kate, her voice now with a hint of confusion, "some of you are…well, I don't know exactly what you are doing, but if it is something that needs to be reported then you had better do so."

Castle no longer dared to look at Kate. Unfortunately, not being able to see her didn't mean he couldn't practically feel the waves of outrage rising off her, even from across the room. As he stood there, immobilized by the sheer awkwardness of it all, for the briefest of moments he almost felt a kinship with Gates and her confusion. He didn't know what they were doing, either.

**9:49 am. 12****th**** precinct, bullpen**

"Dude."

"Dude." Esposito still looked pissed, but there was a hint of panic in his expression. "That was not cool."

"No." Castle agreed, surreptitiously eyeing Kate, trying to get a read on her. The three of them stood in a shell-shocked cluster outside of Gates' office where she had unceremoniously kicked them out after reminding them to follow regulations. They had not been allowed to say anything in their own defense.

And thank god for that, because Castle was pretty sure he wouldn't have made it through that fun-fest. He wasn't sorry that he got to miss hearing Kate vehemently deny that anything ever had, was, or would be going on between them. He was living on hope he was half sure was founded in fantasy where she was concerned, but he didn't need that confirmed.

"Not cool." Kate sounded waaaay too causal. "I wonder what the hell she was talking about?"

Oh, so that's how they were going to play it. Total denial. At least she was consistent, but in this case he approved a hundred percent.

Castle put his hand on Esposito's shoulder. "I think it's obvious. Esposito here has been developing an unhealthy relationship with the corpses, which is not only against the law, but is against regulations. Unless you report it. Anything you want to tell us, buddy? We won't judge. Or at least we won't tell you we're judging."

Esposito shrugged his hand off. "Ha ha, hilarious, Castle. But I wasn't the only one in there."

"What are you saying?" Now Kate didn't sound so casual. More like defensive, with a side of freaking out. Castle stared at Esposito as hard as he could in the hopes that he would read his mind and shut the hell up before he accidentally set Kate back months. Dear god, don't force her to confront anything. She'd run so fast...

"Nothing. Sorry." The mind reading must have worked because Esposito sounded totally sincere. "Gates is crazy. Look, I've got to text..." he dropped his voice and stepped away from the door. "I've got to text Lanie. Cover for me?"

Kate huffed out a breath."Gates can't hear your texts, Esposito. I think you're safe to do that wherever."

Castle spoke without thinking, "Unless…you don't think she's monitoring our cell phones?"

"Don't be ridicu…" Kate frowned, then did that adorable thing she did when she was stumped, kind of pursed her lips together and out. He loved it when she did that. It was so cute. She was so cute. Cute and smart and just generally awesome and so _sexy_, and he just wanted…wait, she was still talking.

"… there's no way she would do that. I don't think. Probably not." Kate looked unsure.

"But only because it's illegal." Castle muttered, still distracted by Kate's lips.

"And against regulations." Esposito added.

"Wouldn't want that." Now Kate was worrying her lip with her teeth so hard Castle was afraid she was going to break the skin. Suddenly it had morphed from sexy to painful to watch, and with a flash of insight he realized how hard this must be for her, pretending to be unbothered by Gates' passive aggressive accusations.

Kate hated to be made to feel unprofessional, and once again he was the root cause. Castle was used to feeling like he needed to make things up to her, but dammit, he didn't want to be that guy anymore. He wanted to be the one who made her life _better_.

But Gates…it bothered him that she hated him, but he could deal with it. Okay, he was trying to deal with it, but did she have to give Kate such a hard time? Castle knew Gates had no respect for him, and whatever, maybe he didn't deserve it, but his respect for her was dwindling every single day she didn't recognize and acknowledge what she had in Kate Beckett.

Kate was…he'd called her extraordinary so many times the word had almost ceased to have any meaning, but that didn't mean it wasn't true. She was the best, and he couldn't understand how Gates couldn't see that. She didn't deserve this. Kate deserved to work with someone who understood her, who saw how very truly special she was.

He felt a surge of indignation and impotent grief, and it was out of his mouth before Castle even realized he was going to say anything. "I miss Montgomery."

Esposito let out rush of air and stared at the floor, while Kate went from worried to quietly devastated in an instant. Castle felt his stomach sinking, and would have done anything to go back in time five seconds and not say it, just to take that look off her face. To not be that guy again.

"Yeah, well." Kate tried to smile but her eyes were suspiciously shiny. "That's probably against regulations, too."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

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><p><strong>10:07am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, 3****rd**** floor ladies room**

Kate braced her hands against the sink and took deep breaths. Here she was in the bathroom. Again. Trying to get herself under control so that her co-workers wouldn't see that she was losing it. Again.

This day was insane. Kate couldn't remember the last time she felt less like herself, proof being the obnoxious tears in her eyes. She would like to believe she would have held it together if Castle hadn't mentioned Montgomery, but he only said what she thought herself, every time Gates made her want to scream in frustration. If she hadn't already been so blindsided by the whole meeting in the first place…that Gates…but no. She wasn't going to do this. Kate straightened up, took another deep breath. She was fine.

Okay. Kate leaned back over and splashed some water on her face. She could do this. It was just Castle; ignoring everything between them was what they did. She just had to go out there like the meeting with Gates had never taken place. She could definitely do this.

Kate dried her face, swiping under her eyelashes where her mascara had run. Stared at herself in the mirror, her eyes slightly wild and unfocused, and felt her chest squeeze at the thought of seeing Castle, trying to pretend nothing had happened. She slumped against the sink and put her head in her hands. There was no fucking way she could do this.

Kate couldn't remember the last time she'd been this mortified, but that wasn't even the worst part. Embarrassment she could handle. It was the panic – this new panic - she was having problems with.

Gates suspected. Gates. She had been here all of 15 minutes and she already thought there was something going between Castle and her.

Dr. Burke's voice appeared in her head. Well, wasn't there?

Yes, Kate thought, arguing to herself like she was in his office, pacing in front of his couch. Yes, but not the way Gates was insinuating. Castle was…not just her friend, okay, and yes, she hoped that one day...but the fact that she desperately wanted that day to be right now was supposed to be a secret, her secret, one that she was only beginning to tell herself.

If Gates of all people suspected something, and then Esposito...Kate's stomach was clenching and she was biting her lip so hard she was about to draw blood. It was like everyone already knew, which might be the most unfair thing she had ever heard of. She couldn't even afford to let herself know most of the time.

Everyone except Castle. Which was good, it was what she wanted. He seemed totally oblivious, had barely reacted to Gates at all, other than breaking their unspoken agreement about mentioning Montgomery. Kate ignored the little hitch in her breath that seemed like distress and pushed back from the sinks. Either Castle somehow didn't notice that Gates was specifically referring to them, or he wanted to talk about it as little as she did.

And why was that? For someone who had always seemed to be so transparent about his feelings for her, he was almost as bad as she was about saying anything truly meaningful. He told her he loved her, but he seemed to believe her when she said she didn't remember. He never mentioned it again, not even a hint.

Something stirred in her, a remembered anger. Fights at her loft, on two separate occasions, when something in her had finally snapped and Kate had all but demanded Castle tell her how he felt, what she was to him. _Why do you keep coming back?_ wasn't exactly subtle.

And that time he had told her she couldn't get herself killed because of what it would do to Josh. Out of nowhere such a surge of rage had risen within her, so quickly and without warning she'd thought she'd explode from the force of it. She had demanded then too, _what about you_? Not Josh. Rick. She was almost too angry to listen, but not angry enough to miss that he had once again side-stepped her question.

That was their last fight. That last awful fight before the hangar, the one that was never resolved because Montgomery was murdered and she nearly died and everything fell apart. The one that was never resolved because she ran away.

But maybe she was once again making everything too hard. Maybe telling her he loved her was the resolution, the answer to her previous questions, the truth that had been there all along.

So why wouldn't Castle want to talk about it? Why wouldn't he welcome Gates' questions? Kate was pacing back and forth, this previously unconsidered fear twisting her insides. He let her ignore it every time.

Why wouldn't Castle want to force her to confront what he had told her, make her acknowledge it? Why was it that he always, always let her back away? Did he really believe she didn't remember what he said? Or was he just relieved that she wasn't going to hold him to it?

**10:15 am, 12****th**** precinct, still in the bathroom**

Giving up on the charade that she was leaving the bathroom any minute, Kate was instead sitting on the floor under the paper towel dispenser with her arms wrapped around her legs. She hated it when she got this way, so twisted around she couldn't see which way was out. She knew she was being totally unfair. Castle said he loved her. He never repeated it because she had made it impossible for him to do so. Still.

Kate put her head on her knees. _This_ was impossible. The more she tried to figure things out the more muddled everything became. Maybe there was no way out of this. Maybe there was only through, and she was going to have to talk to Castle. The thought made her shiver in fear. Or anticipation. She wasn't sure.

There was a tap at the bathroom door, and Kate jumped to her feet, pushing her hair into place and trying to look casual. Lanie opened the door and peeked her head in. Awesome. Now people were getting called to check up on her.

"Hey." Lanie didn't move to come in, just stood looking at her, her face momentarily caught between understanding and what seemed an awful lot like pity, before it smoothed into blankness. Kate hated it. "I heard about the meeting with Gates."

"Esposito get you to come check on me?"

"No." Lanie frowned at her. "Why, is something wrong with you?"

Kate still felt off balance. "Yeah…I mean, no…Esposito didn't text you? "

Lanie raised her eyebrows as she stepped all the way into the bathroom and let the door swing shut behind her. "Of course he texted me." She was whispering for some reason. She darted forward and grabbed Kate's forearm. "Something about that random reg that says you're supposed to report office relationships? Girl, he is Freaking. Out."

Kate frowned at Lanie, who looked a little freaked out herself. "But why? The rule is stupid, and no one really enforces it. It figures Gates would, but no one else is even going to pay attention."

Lanie shook her head. "I don't know. He says it's the principle of the thing. That it's none of her business. I'm trying to believe that he has some odd personal privacy concerns, and it isn't just an excuse because he doesn't want to make our relationship official. Then I'd have to kill him." Lanie's tone was joking, but there was briefly something in her eyes that made Kate wonder. "So, what did you and Castle say?"

Danger! Kate schooled her face into total blankness as she shrugged her shoulders and tried to add in a quizzical eyebrow twitch to throw Lanie off the scent. "What do you mean?"

Lanie tilted her head and raised her eyebrows. "Seriously?"

"What?"

"Don't you "what" me, Kate Beckett."

Kate glanced around the bathroom, pushed back her hair in the mirror. Twisted her necklace. Studied Lanie's shoes before she raised her eyes to her face and shrugged again.

"We didn't tell her anything. I mean, there's nothing to tell. I don't think Castle even realized what she was asking."

That look flashed across Lanie's face again, making Kate believe she understood a lot more than she was letting on, a lot more than Kate was saying. God, did everyone know? She swallowed.

Lanie was watching her carefully, "And a good thing, huh?"

Kate's eyes shot back up. "A good thing?"

Lanie spoke slowly, her eyes never leaving Kate's face, "Well, yeah. If you guys were really together, he wouldn't be able to shadow you anymore, right? The rule about partners in the field?"

Partners in field who became romantically involved were not allowed to remain partners. How in the hell had she forgotten that? Kate felt the blood rush from her face as she realized what it meant.

Gates didn't care about the regulation. No, it was Gates, of course she cared about the regulation, but what she also cared about was getting rid of Castle. If they were romantically involved he was gone from the precinct.

Kate knew she was just standing there with her mouth hanging opened, stunned by this new complication that was just too much to think about. She didn't know if she wanted to start laughing or burst into tears. She bit her lips to hold in whichever it was and tried to think of something to say that wouldn't give her away.

Lanie was still staring at her. "But that's not something you have to worry about right now. Right?"

"Right." Kate managed a wobbly smile, for a half a second relieved that Lanie had let her off so easily, before she realized what she had just revealed.

She stood, barely breathing, wondering if Lanie was going to bust her.

But Lanie only shot her that knowing look again before looping her arm with hers and changing the subject. "Well, come on, girl. We'd better get out there before Javier works himself into even more of a frenzy."

Kate took a deep breath and felt her shoulders drop a smidge. She was so thankful not to be talking about herself anymore that she almost forgot that she wasn't sure if she could face Castle right now. She nudged Lanie. "Don't worry about Esposito. He's just had a really rough morning."

"Why, what happe…AHHHH!" Lanie's scream was so sudden and so loud that Kate jumped backwards, rammed her elbow against the paper towel dispenser and nearly lost her balance. She caught herself on the edge of the sink and followed Lanie's eyes to the door just in time to see a flash of fur disappearing through the crack on the floor.

"Oh my god, what was that?" Lanie was backed up against the sink, her hands on the edge ready to boost herself up, her voice with a very un-Lanie-like tremble. "Was that a rat?"

Nope. Not a rat.

"No." Kate put her hand to her mouth to hold back the hysterical laughter. Or maybe just the hysterics. "It's a ferret."

**10:25 am, 12****th**** precinct, Ryan's desk**

"So report it." Castle shrugged his shoulders, like the meeting with Gates had been nothing, like he wasn't just as shaken up as Esposito. "Just tell her you and Lanie are dating. What's the big deal?"

"The big deal," Esposito huffed, "is that it's a stupid rule. It's the principle of the thing. It's no one's business that Lanie and I are dating. Not Gates, not the guys upstairs. It's invasive. Montgomery would never…hell, most Captains just ignore that rule, unless it's two partners in the field."

"Two partners in the field?" Castle had a sinking feeling as he tried to make his voice as casual as possible. "Is that..worse, or something?"

Ryan and Esposito glanced at each other, Esposito suddenly looking chagrined. Ryan spoke up, his voice managing to be both apologetic and nonchalant.

"Um, yeah. Almost everyone frowns on field partners being involved with each other. It can compromise reactions at a crime scene, or cause a distraction."

"Beckett never mentioned it?" Esposito wasn't quite looking at him.

"No." Castle shook his head. So that's what this was about. If he and Kate were to ever actually get together he would have to leave the 12th, because they would distract each other in the field.

Castle almost laughed. How he could possibly be more distracted by Kate than he already was? It was ironic, really. Being with Kate could only help his detecting skills. Actually knowing what she looked like naked would free up untold amounts of brain power he was currently using to imagine that glorious, glorious image.

"But none of us are involved with our field partners, so…" Ryan seemed kind of desperate to change the subject.

Castle plastered a smirk on his face, "Not unless you two have something you want to tell me," he forced out, desperate to change the subject himself.

Esposito was still wound up. "See, this is what I mean! What if we did! Is it any of your business?"

"No?"

Ryan exhaled and flopped back in his chair, staring at the ceiling in exasperation. "You have got to let this go."

Castle decided this was a good moment to step out. "I'll...um..." He gestured towards the break room. "Tell Beckett I'll be back in a minute, okay?"

Ryan and Esposito barely nodded at him. As he walked away he could hear Esposito saying something about totalitarianism.

He didn't get any further than Kate's desk. Castle dropped into his chair and opened his drawer, pulling out his red stress ball. It was a present from Kate last Christmas, with "Let's face it, writing is hell" printed around it.

Castle squeezed and thought about why Kate had never mentioned the partners in the field rule, especially in the beginning. All the times he had joked about them getting together and Kate had never once teased him with the possibility, only to reveal that then he would have to stop shadowing her. It was exactly something she would do, her eyes sparkling with the triumph of pulling one over on him, her mouth turning up in that sly half smile.

Thinking about her lit up like that made him smile too, until he remembered it wasn't a joke. If he ever were to finally become involved with Kate, he would have to quit. It made him feel a little hopeless, because it wasn't as if Kate needed yet another reason to keep herself apart from him.

Of course, that was assuming she was even considering being with him someday, maybe, at all. It could be this rule didn't even faze her because she knew it wasn't going to be an issue for them. Perhaps pulling herself together after Gates' unsubtle suggestions _wasn't_ the reason she had been in the restroom for the past ten minutes.

Maybe she just needed a break from him because he had broken the rules and mentioned Montgomery. Or she could just need a break from him, period. Needed time to pull away and repair the damage he had done. It wouldn't be the first time.

Castle squeezed the ball harder. Stupid. He hadn't thought before he spoke. He so rarely did.

Castle contemplated for a minute, then took out his phone and made a call. It immediately went to voice mail.

"Hey! It's Rick. I haven't talked to you in forever. Give me a call back when you get a chance, I have something I need to ask you."

Castle pocketed his phone and felt a little better. He glanced up to see Kate and Lanie finally emerging from the bathroom, heading in their direction. He wanted so much to be able to do as she asked and on her terms, but this waiting…Maybe it was time to start moving forward.

Castle dropped his stress ball in the drawer and wandered back over to Ryan and Esposito, who were now in the throes of some whispered disagreement.

"Dude, I hear you, it's annoying, but I really don't think it's like _1984_. I mean, have you read that recently? Their problems were a little more advanced than having to report a co-worker relationship."

"Whatever. I still think it might be unconstitutional."

Ryan barely contained a very Kate-like eye-roll. "Yes, I know, but I just don't see the big deal, man. It's not like you guys are Beckett and ….Heeeey Castle."

Ryan's face froze in a frantic smile as he noticed Castle standing beside him. He eyes cut to the right, where Kate and Lanie had just appeared. "And Beckett! And Lanie! It's everyone!"

Kate and Lanie twisted their faces into almost identical expressions of bewilderment, while Esposito just sighed and shook his head.

Castle tried to study Kate without being obvious. He wasn't sure, but she seemed pale. His heart ached a little, like it always did when she appeared upset and there was nothing he could do.

Kate took a deep breath and looked around at them, her gaze resting on Ryan and Esposito.

"We have some bad news." The look she gave Esposito was the same one she offered to family members of their victims. "It's the ferret."

Esposito actually took a step back. Castle was just thinking that maybe it wouldn't hurt him to go to some sort of therapy, the kind where they expose you to whatever it is you're afraid of until you just get over it…emersion therapy, like, they could lock him in a ball pit with ferrets or something, which incidentally, would make an awesome reality show, when Ryan spoke up, his voice a little higher and tighter than normal.

"What do you mean? The ferret's right here, in the drawer."

"You sure about that?"

Kate looked apologetic as Ryan slid the drawer opened with his foot, and they all gaped at the emptiness inside.

**10:31 am, 12****th**** precinct, Ryan's desk, now with 100% less ferret**

"Jenny is going to kill me." Ryan was staring at his opened desk drawer, which was noticeably free of ferrets. He was starting to sweat again.

"That's what you're worried about?" Esposito looked like he might hyperventilate. "There's a ferret on the loose."

Kate exchanged a quick look with Castle. He gave her WTF eyebrows before he turned to Esposito. "Hey, man, calm down. It's a ferret, not a puma. How much damage can it do?"

Esposito shot him a threatening glare, the potency of which was slightly under-cut by his shaking hands. Lanie lightly touched his forearm.

"Oh, Javier, why didn't you tell me there was a ferret?"

"I know how you feel about rodents. No need for us both to be upset."

Kate turned to Lanie in exasperation, hyper aware of Castle on her left. "Not you, too? You both look at dead bodies for a living, how can a ferret freak you out so much?"

Lanie gave Kate the stink-eye. "Girl, I do not do rodents. I am not "freaked out". I am repulsed. They are disgusting. Especially ferrets. Besides, dead bodies can't sneak up on you."

Esposito nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and dead bodies don't move in that creepy, undulating way, like a damn cobra."

"A cobra." Kate deadpanned. "You are equating a ferret with a cobra." They were out of control.

"Dead bodies don't have those creepy little teeth and those tiny little claws." Lanie added, holding up her own manicured hands to illustrate.

"Dead bodies don't chew through the furniture and then hide there, waiting to scare the shit out of you." Esposito shivered with some remember horror.

"There was that time we found the psychic lady folded up in her couch." Castle pointed out.

"Yeah, but the dead psychic didn't chew her way into the couch and then just lie there, waiting to wig me out."

"Well, not that we know of."

Kate couldn't take it anymore. "Really? Really. The ferret would freak you out more than casually and unknowingly sitting on a murdered person?" Kate could hear herself unfraying, but honestly, this morning…

"Yeah man, I know you have past….issues with ferrets," Ryan stepped up. Esposito sent him a glare. Ryan backed up a little but bravely continued, "…but this one is sweet. You might even like it."

"No. I will not. Never. They're just creepy…" Esposito started.

"…with their beady little red eyes..." Lanie added.

"…it's like looking into evil. And the way they're always twitching their noses…"

Lanie shuddered, "…uh, I can't stand it. And that high-pitched sound they make..."

"…it's like it's in my nightmares…"

"Guys! Guys!" Castle interrupted, "Esplanie is _esplaining_ why they hate ferrets! Get it?"

Esposito and Lanie stopped and simultaneously swiveled their heads to give him the death stare. "You say that again and I'm gonna have to kill you, bro. Not kidding."

Castle took a step back. "I meant, 'aw, listen to them finish each other's sentences'." He gave Esposito's shoulder a light punch before scooting back even further. "You are such a cute couple."

Esposito narrowed his death stare. "Not much better."

"Yeah, usually it's you two doing that." Ryan piped up.

There was an uncomfortable pause as Castle's gaze tangled with Kate's and she felt all the air rush out of her lungs.

Castle cleared his throat, tore his eyes away from hers. "How did he even get out?"

"The drawer must not have been shut all the way." Ryan was frantically running his hands through his hair, sticking it up in all directions.

"What about the Dramamine, he was supposed to be asleep!" Esposito's voice was getting higher.

"I don't know! I gave him all I had! It's what my cousin gave me!

"Wait, so you don't have anymore? What are you going to give him when we find him?"

Ryan frantically looked around, like the answer would be on his desk, or perhaps the on the murder board. "We'll have to use a regular sedative. Lanie, do you know how to figure out a ferret dose?"

Lanie looked at him like he was crazy. "Do I look like a vet? No. And I don't even have sedatives."

"But you're a doctor!" Ryan practically wailed.

"For dead people! Why would I have sedatives for dead people?"

"Ohh, _touché_!" Castle turned to Lanie and held his hand up for a high five.

Kate rubbed her temples. "Okay, in one minute _I'm_ going to need a sedative. We all have to just calm down. We'll split up, find the damn ferret and oh, shit! Gates!"

There was an almost audible gasp from the group as Gates rounded the corner by the stairs and headed in their direction.

Esposito turned to Lanie, his eyes about to fall out of his head. "Get under the desk."

Lanie blinked. "Uh, excuse me?"

"Gates! She can't see you! She'll think we're involved!"

"Because hiding under the desk isn't suspicious at all." Lanie narrowed her eyes, put her hand on her hip, "And why can't she know we're involved?"

"It's the principle of the…just get under desk! Please!"

"No. Hell no, you have lost your mind, no."

"Too late." Castle grabbed Lanie by the arm and dragged her in the other direction just as Gates came to a stop in front of them. Kate could hear him muttering, "go, go, go," as they hurried to the elevator.

Gates stood there taking them in.

The opened, ferretless drawer.

Esposito, barely holding it together, his eyes darting restlessly back and forth, presumably on watch for a kamikaze ferret attack.

Ryan, his hair like a miniature Don King, sweating like he'd just run laps around the bullpen.

And Kate, standing there with what were no doubt crazy eyes, as she was hit with huge flash of déjà vu. Déjà vu, and the realization that she had spent most of the morning hiding either her non-existent relationship or a ferret from her boss. This possible scenario had not been covered at the Police Academy.

Gates pursed her lips and squinted. She took in a huge breath, folded her arms and fixed them with a look. "Beckett. Esposito. Ryan. You three haven't gotten very far this morning, have you? "

"No sir." Kate tried not to massage her temple where a headache was growing. How was it possible that she had nothing to show for this morning? She was wiped out. "Not very far."

It wasn't even noon yet. Would it be unprofessional if she started drinking right now?

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><p>AN - Sorry for the delay between updates. I had some real-life related delays, plus this one gave me some trouble. Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed, commented, etc., I appreciate it so much. And a thank you to callsignbuzz, who went the extra internet mile and found the name of Kate's therapist for me so I didn't have to keep typing "her shrink".

Please review! I love reviews.:) And let me know if you find any glaring mistakes/typos. I'm kind of cross-eyed right now and I'm afraid I'm missing tons.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N - Sorry for the long delay. Everyone at my house for Thanksgiving meant very little time for writing.:) I hope everyone who celebrates it had a lovely Thanksgiving, and that everyone who does not had a nice week.:)

Oh, and I forget this every time - I don't own Castle. I might own the ferret.

Also - The saying on Castle's stress ball from the previous chapter is a quote from the writer William Styron.

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><p><strong>11:00 am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen, whiteboard**

"Okay." Ryan turned, the white board marker in his hand. "This is what we've got."

The minute Gates walked away a change had come over Ryan. A resolve. That determination that sometimes came in the middle of an impossible case, when there was no reason to think it wasn't hopeless, but something wouldn't let you quit. Something told you to push through, that you would get it. Kate could tell Ryan was in the midst of just such an epiphany. He was going to find the ferret.

The transformation was amazing…and somewhat suspicious. Ryan was calm. He was decisive. He was almost sweat-free. Kate wondered how long it could last.

Now Ryan stepped aside so Kate and Esposito could have an unobstructed view of the white board. It was….marvelous, really, if you glossed over the fact that it was for a missing ferret investigation.

There was a detailed timeline, including: last known sightings (the bathroom), a possible sighting (a scream from the break room), and theories on the ferret's next move. There was a column of extraneous information: when he had last eaten, known interests like chew toys and shiny things. There was even a photo of a ferret, smack in the middle of the board.

"Wow." Kate was a little lost for words. "That is…really…complete. Just…wow. Is that an actual picture of your ferret?" The photograph featured a seriously adorable ferret gazing up from a field of flowers.

"No. It's a Google Image." Ryan scoffed. "I don't have a picture of my ferret."

"Of course not." Esposito stood back, his eyes averted, "Because _that_ would be going too far."

"Hey, if you're uncomfortable you don't have to look at it."

Esposito shot him a look of disdain and was turning away when something caught his attention. He jerked back around, narrowing his eyes.

"What! Why is my picture up here?" He stepped closer, peering at the board. "I'm under 'Known Enemies' !"

Ryan held one hand in the air. "Just trying to be thorough."

"I'll show you thorough."

Just when Kate thought she was going to have to physically restrain Esposito to keep him from tearing up Ryan's ferret board – and possibly Ryan – she felt a quivering awareness that started at the base of spine and ended in the tingling at the top of her head. She was enveloped in warmth. Castle's voice came from just behind her, close enough that she knew she could take half a step back and hit his chest.

"Awesome." Kate twisted around to see Castle gazing at the board happily. "Nice job, Ryan. Good call with the 'Known Enemies'. Really thorough."

"I know, right?"

Esposito looked at Castle like he had gone to the dark side. "Bro. We're a homicide unit. We don't do missing ferrets."

Castle rubbed his chin. "I see what you're saying." He nodded slowly. "It's not really our case. Now, if the ferret were dead…"

"He's not dead!" Ryan barked, causing them all to jump. He looked slightly wild again, a hint of crazy in his eyes. Kate knew the calm couldn't last. His hand was already in his hair.

Ryan turned to Esposito, "Seriously, man? Seriously? I know you have a problem, but Jenny is seriously going to kill me if I can't find this ferret."

"Bro, I don't get how you don't _seriously_ want to kill Jenny for making you deal with a ferret."

"Because that's what you do for the people you love, you help them out with their ferret! Instead of, I don't know, trying to get them to hide under a desk."

Kate felt her eyes widen and involuntarily glanced at Castle, who was staring back, his eyes round, too. That was sort of below the belt. They were all unraveling.

"Okay, first of all 'help them out with their ferret'? And second, shut up about that man, under the circumstances that was a perfectly reasonable request"

"If by 'reasonable' you mean 'ridiculous'."

Esposito inhaled sharply as his eyes bugged out and Kate could see this spiraling downward fast. "Ridiculous!"

"Okay, guys…" Castle stepped forward and laid a hand on Ryan's arm. "Let's just…"

"That's right!"

Ryan flung Castle's hand off just as Esposito hollered "That's _it_!" and moved up, his hands in fists by his side.

Several heads turned in their direction as the rest of the bullpen woke up to the ruckus going on by the whiteboard. The ferret covered whiteboard.

This was seriously happening. Ryan and Esposito were actually about to come to blows in the middle of the bullpen because of a ferret. Please, please let the phone ring right this second with some sort of grisly triple homicide, or they were never going to live this down. Kate sighed, stepped closer, her voice low.

"Everyone is looking at us. You two have got to cool it."

Ryan's eyes rolled around the room without really seeing anything, he was so worked up. "No! I mean, ha ha very funny, Ryan's lost his ferret, hysterical, but I have to find it before Gates does, or Jenny finds out, and…" He turned eyes filled with betrayal to Esposito, "….and you're supposed to be my partner, man!"

Esposito still looked like he wanted to punch something "Yeah? Well you're supposed to be _my_ partner but that didn't stop you from bringing my worst fear to work with you!"

Castle had backed up against a desk and was staring at them both with a look of almost comical horror on his face. "Oh my god." He muttered to Kate. "Who let in the drama llamas?"

"Not helping." Kate shook her head him, trying to convey with her eyes that he needed to shut up and not egg anyone on, because if Ryan or Esposito threw a punch she was done. She was going home, if she had to walk through the damn blizzard to do so.

"It's a ferret! It's just a damn ferret!" Ryan looked completely crazy again, his hair all over, his face sweaty. "Are you going to help me or not?"

Castle suddenly pushed off the desk and stood between Ryan and Esposito, his height blocking their view of each other. "Of course we are." He put his hand on Ryan's shoulder and turned him toward the board, but kept his eyes on Kate as if to say, "See? Helping."

He was, and she was grateful. Kate could feel a smile teasing at her lips, and just like that she wanted to laugh. At the ridiculous ferret fight, at Castle's abrupt switch to helpful mediator, at this whole day.

He was studying the board with Ryan. "Don't worry man," Castle's voice was low and soothing, the way Kate imagined it would have been when he calmed Alexis as a baby, the way it had been when he stood at her back those time when she was shaky, an immoveable force that propped her up to make her stand. It made her want to close her eyes and rest, made her feel safe. "We're all going right now. We'll find him."

But she'd already found him, Kate thought, once again hit with a wave of affection. Once again suffused with love.

She'd already found him.

* * *

><p><strong>11:15 am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen, by the elevators**

"We are never going to find him." Kate whispered. She and Castle were waiting for the elevator, their backs to Ryan, who was adding still more information to the white board. Esposito was sitting at his desk, petulantly pretending to do paperwork. "He could be anywhere in the whole building by now."

"Oh ye of little faith." Castle was twinkling at her out of the corner of his eye and his lips were curling up into a smile and …oh god, twinkling again. Kate wondered if getting on the elevator alone with him was such a good idea.

"I'll make you a bet." Castle wasn't whispering but his voice was still pitched low and warm, the timbre doing something to her insides. Melting her, loosening her up and she wished they were anywhere else. This day, his constant presence, the lack of distraction, was proving too much and Kate wasn't sure how much longer she was going to hold out. Her control was slipping; she could only barely grasp it now.

"I'll bet you that we find the ferret before 5 o'clock, or I have to take you out for dinner." Castle finished softly. He was biting his lips to hold back his smile, his eyes fixed on her like he had just said the most hilarious thing ever and he was just waiting for her to return the volley. And usually she would, but this time…Kate felt a swoop in her stomach and color tinting her checks. Without even thinking she leaned in, her eyes locked to his.

"But that's a bet I can't lose." She had meant to be flirty, light, but instead even she could hear that she was practically purring. Oh.

Castle was still smiling but the teasing slowly faded from his eyes. There was a long pause, before he sucked in a breath, his eyes never leaving her. "Me either."

Oh, god. And again Kate desperately wanted to be somewhere away, somewhere alone with him. She didn't even know exactly what she wanted to do with him (lies) just that, "I wish…" she started, but she stumbled over the words, because she wasn't close to sure what they should be or where to find them.

"What? I didn't…" Castle was whispering now, his face serious. He took a step closer and leaned over to hear, his hand on her elbow, his ear inches from her lips, "Kate, what?"

Out of the corner of her eye Kate saw Gates cross her office and start going through her file cabinet. If she happened to look up would see them nearly embracing in the middle of the bullpen.

Gates. For several wonderful minutes she'd forgotten about the meeting with Gates.

Kate swallowed and abruptly took a step back, trying to get a grip on her whirling confusion. She felt like she was being barraged, hit by one rolling wave of emotion after another all morning, without a moments respite. The surge of feeling she got whenever she saw him , the feeling that she had to tap down, hide, because of her own stupid rules and now the precinct's…she didn't know what to do, couldn't get her footing, was as off balance as she'd ever been.

If she could just have moment to herself, a second to sit down and think, then she could make herself be rational. But she didn't, and when Castle stepped so close to her, ready for her to whisper in his ear, his head tilted toward her, his body nearly surrounding her, so intimate, she knew how it would appear.

Usually, Castle this close to her, touching her, would ignite a slow spread of warmth throughout her body that was somehow both thrilling and comforting. This time she iced over in fear. Fear Gates would see, and the relationship they hadn't even acknowledged would be compromised. Fear that she would lose Castle from the 12th. Fear that she would lose him.

So Kate stepped back, where before she would have leaned in, teasing him, her hand on his shoulder for balance, close enough that his breath would stir her hair. Instead she jerked away from his hand, shook her head. "Nothing."

Castle slowly straightened, his eyes on her face, hurt lurking behind his obvious confusion, "Okay." He looked a little stunned, like he couldn't catch up to the abrupt shift in mood.

"It's just…" she gestured towards Gates' office, "I mean, you were kind of close, it might have looked like…" This was impossible, "It's not like… I know it was nothing…"

"No, no I get it." Castle cut in quickly, giving her a half-smile that didn't quite make it to his eyes. He faced the elevator doors, as if willing them to open. Almost like he was trying not to look at her.

Kate couldn't look away from him, openly staring as something about him sparked a new, yet familiar uneasiness that began to churn in her stomach.

"You know," his voice was hesitant, his eyes still on the elevator doors. "We don't have to look together, if you're worried." Castle finally looked away from the doors and faced her, but he still wasn't meeting her eyes, his gaze landing somewhere around her left shoulder. "It might be better if we," he cleared his throat, took a breath, "split up."

Kate's stomach tightened and she felt the blood drain from her face and she knew, _she knew_ she was being absolutely stupid, that he didn't mean it like that. But she suddenly realized why his demeanor, his tone, was so familiar and was making her so uneasy. Now that she remembered it was scaring the shit out of her.

Castle had looked and acted just like this that day, summer before last. Right after she told him she was seeing Demming. Just before he told her it was his last case. Right before he left her.

And this was the fear that trumped all others. Greater than the idea that Gates might think they were involved, worse than the thought that Castle might be forced out of the precinct, was the possibility that he might decide to leave on his own. Not just the 12th, but her life altogether.

The elevator dinged, the doors opening soundlessly, and Castle stepped back slightly and waved her ahead of him. Kate could feel her breath beginning to come in shallow gasps, and she immediately turned to make sure he was followed her. Somewhere outside of herself she knew she was over-reacting, that she was having some sort of mild panic attack, but she couldn't make herself stop.

Castle was in the back corner, leaning against the wall, and in her anxiety it made her heart pound a little harder. It's like he was trying to get some distance from her. He never did that. Castle was supposed to be in the middle. They always stood in the middle of the elevator. Together. Pretending by tacit agreement that there wasn't room to spread out and that they needed to stand close enough to touch. Kate wasn't sure what to do in the middle by herself, except try to control her breathing and not completely freak out like a crazy person.

She lasted two floors, maybe all of ten seconds. Ten seconds during which Castle kept his eyes fixed straight ahead and Kate couldn't stand it, her anxiety building up and spilling out, her voice loud and almost confrontational in the confides of the elevator. "I don't want to split up."

His head snapped up, his gaze finally meeting hers, the look in his eyes…she couldn't read the look in his eyes. That…that never happened. She always knew what he was thinking, or almost always. The only time he really tried to hide what he was feeling from her was when he was very hurt, and even then…Oh no.

She must've really hurt his feelings, jerking away from him like that. Shame washed through her as she realized how she would have felt had he done the same to her, and _she_ knew that he loved her. The knowledge that she loved him was so ingrained in her now that sometimes she forgot he didn't know, couldn't know. Couldn't know about her thousands of issues behind her actions because she never told him. He would assume she was rejecting him. Again. Exactly like that summer day he left.

Castle was standing away from the wall but made no move towards her, no move to get closer. He was frowning, tentative, like he had no idea what her next move would be. "All right." His eyes were still shuttered. "We don't have to." He looked at her warily, like he was trying to anticipate her next move.

Kate knew she was being irrational but fear had her, the fear that she had finally pushed him to leave. That he would assume there was no reason to stay. Fear that he had been standing there, staring at the wall, thinking up some invented reason that would take him from the 12th, from her, and she had to fix it. Before she even knew what she was doing her nerves had propelled her forward, into his personal space, close enough to smell his aftershave and his soap and something underneath that was just him.

Kate circled his wrist with her fingers, binding him to her, their bodies brushing, her heart beat so hard she was afraid he would feel it. She stood on her tiptoes to speak softly in his ear, even though they were alone in the elevator and there was no one else to hear.

"You can't leave."

* * *

><p><strong>Still in the elevator. Omg.<strong>

Castle was dying. Or dreaming. Or possibly already dead, but he didn't care as long as it meant this moment could continue exactly like this.

He couldn't think, he was too stunned by the sudden onslaught of sensation, and he couldn't get a handle on what was happening, why Kate was talking about people leaving. He certainly wasn't going anywhere, not while she was _touching him_, and oh god, was that her breast against his arm? He's pretty sure that's her breast brushing his arm. By its own volition his hand has risen to rest at the curve of her waist, just at the slope of her hip, and he has to concentrate not to dig his fingers into her soft skin, to yank her against him.

Castle was sure she was mad at him, or at least irritated, but these were not the actions of a woman who was annoyed. Actually, these weren't the actions of a woman named Kate Beckett, with her thumb stoking his wrist and her hair soft against his cheek.

Kate was barely inches from him, her breath on his neck, and _what was she doing_, because this was disturbingly - or awesomely - how many of his fantasies started, especially since they were alone in the elevator. If they came to a sudden stop, became trapped between floors, he was going to know that he was either unconscious or the butt of the biggest practical joke of all time. Either way, he wasn't sure he cared.

Kate dropped to her heels, her voice no longer in his ear, but her body was still right there, touching but not quite, exquisite torture, and if she had any idea how often he'd dreamed of this… except in his fantasies she usually wasn't so pale, and her pupils weren't quite so dilated, at least not with what seemed like…panic? And she definitely never had that tight little quiver in her lips that made it seem like she was trying not to cry…something was wrong.

But she was just so _close._

His heart squeezed and he forced himself to stand very, very still. This wasn't…this wasn't what it felt like.

Castle was pretty sure he had emotional whiplash.

Kate was standing in his loose embrace, his hand still on the soft curve of her waist, when not even five minutes ago she had jerked away from him like his touch burned her skin. Which was a one eighty from one minute before that, when she had taken his flirty comment and returned it with a voice that was like an invitation. To bed.

When she seemed angry he tried to give her space and she stared at him like he might vanish. She yelled at him when he gave her an excuse to get away from him for a while.

And now Kate was standing here so close, confusing him, muddling his senses, but she was breathing hard and looked like she wanted to cry and the only thing he was certain of at this moment was that it would kill him if she cried.

Castle was paralyzed with indecision. His mind told him something wasn't right, something was off. He could feel Kate quivering against him and intellectually he knew that it wasn't arousal, but his body was telling him it was desire, desire like his, and he wanted with everything in him to wrap his arms around her, spin her so her back hits the wall, to sink into the softness of her body. To run his hand down her thigh and push against her, pull her hips to his, to cup the nape of her neck under her hair and lightly suck the beautiful column of her throat before burying his lips in hers and kissing her again and again…

But no. Oh, no no, she was stepping back, her heat no longer engulfing him…although her fingers were still wrapped around his wrist, tiny points of fire against his skin.

"I mean…" Kate bit her lip, visibly flustered or trying to kill him, one. "We can't give Gates a reason to send you away."

"What?" He still couldn't really concentrate, but it didn't help that she wasn't making any sense.

"Gates." She was staring at his collar, refusing to meet his eyes, "We can't do anything that makes it look like we're involved, or she might make you leave."

Something clicked. "Gates was there. That's way you jerked away."

She looked up, her whole body visibly slumping with relief. "Yes."

Castle was stunned. Kate was relieved that he understood? That's what this was about? She was in a near panic because…what? She thought he might be mad at her? No, ridiculous. It had to be something else.

"So you're upset because we might get in trouble with Gates?"

"Not trouble. If she thinks we're involved…"

"Why would she think we're involved?" Castle meant it to be reassuring but realized the second it came out of his mouth that it sounded more incredulous, like he didn't think there was anything between them. And of course there wasn't, but…

Kate inhaled sharply and he wanted to say it wasn't what he meant; it was just that he was so used to pretending that there was nothing to know, and why wasn't _she_ pretending…the rules were all broken and everything was upside down and what the hell.

He held her hip a little firmer, pulled her a fraction closer. "Kate. Why are you so upset?"

Her fingers spasmed on his wrist, gripping him tighter. "I'm not…why do you think I'm upset?"

Castle felt totally surreal. Kate was close enough to lean down and kiss, her eyes were still a little overly bright, and she was holding his wrist so tightly he was starting to lose feeling in his fingers.

"No reason." Castle glanced down at her face and quickly looked up again when he realized he could see straight down her shirt. He was going to die in this elevator, he really, really was." It's just…you don't usually care this much about what Gates thinks."

"I don't care what Gates thinks."

"Then what's wrong?" Now she pulled back. Kate dropped his wrist, disentangled herself from his hand at her hip.

"I don't…I'm not…" Kate stopped, took a breath, and finally looked him full in the eye. "I just don't want you to have to leave the 12th."

Kate's eyes were huge and she was biting down on one lip. Castle wanted to reassure her that if he didn't let her kick him out, he sure as hell wasn't going to let Gates, but he couldn't move because he had been struck with an idea so impossible, so…

He hadn't been paying attention. The feel of her against him had kept him from really hearing her, noticing that that's the third time she said that, about him having to leave.

And that meant…she's this upset because she's afraid he might have to stop shadowing her?

Kate was staring at him, her anxiety almost palpable, and he knew he was staring back, silent and slack jawed, but he just… because if she didn't want him to leave, if it distressed her this much…it had to mean…oh god.

"What?" His silence had gotten to her, and Kate looked freaked out and afraid and worried and beautiful and gorgeous, and if he had wanted to kiss her before it was nothing to how he felt now. He pressed himself against the elevator wall to keep from reaching for her.

"Nothing." Castle couldn't stop his smile, and he knew that his face was a gooey mess of love. He's almost desperate to hold her but knew it wasn't what Kate needed right now, and before he did anything he had to get that look off her face. To do whatever he had to make her feel like herself again. He took a breath, fixed her with a look.

"I think I'm offended. Gates, kick me out? She has tried and failed, my friend." Kate's shoulders were relaxing, the anxious look fading. "But if you're worried, I'll just stay ten feet away from you at all times." He waggled his eyebrows. "We can pretend you have a restraining order out against me."

A slow smile was breaking across Kate's face, and her eyes were almost back to normal, back to her. "A restraining order is at least fifty feet, Castle."

"Hmm." He scrunched his face. "That might make it harder, but maybe you could work at your desk and I could just stay in the break room." The joke was stupid, but Kate was smiling, so Castle was counting it as a victory.

"Wait, so I'm stuck with paperwork while you get the coffee? How is that fair?"

"Oh don't worry, I'll figure out a way to get you coffee. I wouldn't let you down like that."

"No." Kate said, something in her eyes making his heart pound while his whole being was flooded with crazy anticipation and happiness and love. "I don't think you ever would."

* * *

><p>Reviews. I love them.:)<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N:

1. By now standard apology for the length of time between updates. I have two small children and it's the holiday season.:)

2. This one went long and I had to cut it in half, so the next bit really should be up in a couple of days.

3. I know nothing about the lay out of a holding area, despite my best Google efforts. Please excuse my gazillion mistakes.

4. I don't own Castle.:)

* * *

><p><strong>12<strong>**th ****precinct, STILL in the elevator, a brief recap**

"I think I'm offended. Gates, kick me out? She has tried and failed, my friend." Kate's shoulders were relaxing, the anxious look fading. "But if you're worried, I'll just stay ten feet away from you at all times." He waggled his eyebrows. "We can pretend you have a restraining order out against me."

A slow smile was breaking across Kate's face, and her eyes were almost back to normal, back to her. "A restraining order is at least fifty feet, Castle."

"Hmm." He scrunched his face. "That might make it harder, but maybe you could work at your desk and I could just stay in the break room." The joke was stupid, but Kate was smiling, so Castle was counting it as a victory.

"Wait, so I'm stuck with paperwork while you get the coffee? How is that fair?"

"Oh don't worry, I'll figure out a way to get you coffee. I wouldn't let you down like that."

"No." Kate said, something in her eyes making his heart pound while his whole being was flooded with crazy anticipation and happiness and love. "I don't think you ever would."

* * *

><p><strong>Seconds later, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, elevator, which by now has had time to descend into the center of the earth **

Kate was a little shell shocked. The last five minutes had been an emotional maelstrom, but she thought it was over. Her heart rate was almost back to normal, even if her hands were still trembling. The panic had receded, leaving her a little tired and completely relieved.

Relief mixed with embarrassment, because she had totally lost it for a second. She carefully exhaled. She had it together now. It was going to be okay.

It was going to be okay because somehow Castle had made it okay.

Kate knew she was staring but she couldn't seem to help herself. Couldn't seem to care that her eyes were fixed on Castle with the whole of her heart spilled across her face. Love struck.

She tried to surreptitiously take deep, calming breaths without Castle noticing. Almost impossible, because he was staring back at her just as intently, the expression on his face like he had just discovered that fairytales and magic and Santa Claus and Narnia were all really true.

He had a look in his eyes like he knew a wonderful secret, the kind he couldn't wait to share. She knew that in her freak out she had revealed too much, but in this moment she couldn't care. He was looking at her, joking with her. Castle was himself and not the guy from last summer who was getting ready to walk away.

Part of her, the part that stubbornly refused to be happy, whispered that he wasn't pushing the issue again; that this was the perfect chance to find out how she felt and he was just ignoring it.

But the way he was looking at her… maybe he had already guessed.

The silence stretched out, their gazes locked.

Her heart was starting to pound, heat spreading across her face. Kate knew she should look away or she would give Castle the impression that she…

What? That she wanted him?

Kate took half a step forward, unsure. Maybe she should just…

"We've been in this elevator forever." Castle's voice was just a bit high and a touch too casual. It snapped Kate back to reality. Oookay. They were at work. Why did she keep forgetting that?

"I don't think we're moving anymore." Castle leaned up and pressed the button. The doors immediately slid opened, revealing the dim hallway that led to the zoo. Castle turned back to her, his face still lit up like he was sure there was a delightful surprise just around the corner.

"Are we going to lockup? Oh, please." Castle sucked in a breath and put his hands together like a child.

"Um," Kate paused for a second, forcing herself to focus on her job instead of her non-relationship with her non-boyfriend. Upstairs, five minutes ago that felt like a lifetime, she had decided to bring him down here for no other reason than she knew he would like it. "I thought we could look around for the ferret," she sent Castle a sideways glance, "and maybe check out the cat burglars."

This was good. This was them. She was almost back on solid footing.

"Yay!" Castle nearly skipped. "Are the clowns down here yet? I wonder if they're all in the same cell?"

Yep. Almost back to normal.

* * *

><p><strong>11:30 am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, lockup, aka not the elevator, finally**

The instant they stepped into lockup Kate knew something was wrong. Instead of the usual cacophony there was complete silence, except for an odd, low- pitched...whistling?

She whirled around, grabbing Castle by the shoulders and forcing him behind the corner, so they were partially hidden in the guard alcove. That seemed to be missing its guards. Oh no.

"What? What are we doing?" His hand had automatically come up to grab her elbows when she pushed him, and he had forgotten to let go. Through her sleeves and the front of her shirt she could feel the warmth of him against her skin, and she had to work not to move closer. If just his hands on her arms affected her like this what would it be like when…

Kate ruthlessly yanked herself out of that burgeoning fantasy and pushed him back against the wall when he tried to peek his head around the corner.

"Stop it." she barely whispered. "We're hiding."

"What?" Castle's kept his voice down but his tone was mildly outraged. "This is ridiculous. We work here!" Kate pursed her lips and cocked her eyebrow. He huffed, his chest brushing hers. "Okay, you work here. You're allowed to be …"

Kate put her hand on his mouth to shush him before he gave away their hiding place, trying to ignore the warmth of his lips against her fingers.

"The guards!" she hissed into his neck, and he instantly went still, getting it. She took her hand from his mouth, her thumb accidentally stroking the full point of his lower lip, a tingling shock, and looked up. He was so close she could feel his breath with each exhale, his eyes wide and fathomless, and …

Hadn't they been in exactly this situation five minutes ago? She may have touched Castle more in the last fifteen minutes than she had in the last three and a half years. It was awesome. No! Kate squeezed her eyes shut. Focus. Must focus.

She opened her eyes and nodded at him, pressing her hands lightly against his chest to indicate he should stay put. Castle nodded back. Kate slowly backed away from him, drew her gun, eased her way around the corner…

Aaaand, Castle's hand slipped down her arm to entangle his fingers with hers as he followed her into the hall. Kate immediately reversed direction, crowding him back around the corner and up against the wall - again - their arms twisted behind his back, their hands still intertwined.

"What are you doing?"

Castle's eyes were huge. "Uh, what are you doing?"

Against her Castle was ridged, stiff. Wait! No. Horrible word choice. Shit. Kate gave herself a shake. He was trying not to move. Better. Okay. "You were supposed to stay back!"

"Then why did you tell me to come with you?"

"What? I didn't…"

"You were holding my hand."

"You were holding my hand!"

"It takes two to hold hands, Kate. Handsssss. Plural."

"I said _hand_…No…no, that's not…I pushed you so you would stay. You nodded you understood!"

"That? I thought you just wanted to feel my manly chest." Castle grimaced. "Sorry! Sorry, inappropriate."

Kate felt a little hitch of sadness. She missed his jokes, his ridiculous come-ons, when they weren't heavy and awkward with meaning. She missed flirting back without feeling guilty for taunting Castle with what he couldn't yet have. A small but impatient voice in the back of her mind reminded her that if she would just get over herself she could make flirty, sexy jokes with Castle all the time. Naked, if she wanted to. And she did. Wait…this wasn't focusing.

Kate turned her head so she wasn't looking at his eyes that were projecting confusion and sex and noticed the surveillance monitor mounted in the corner. Well, duh.

"Castle." She moved closer to the monitor, pulling him with her. She was still holding his hand and he had to turn completely around to avoid having his arm jerked out of the socket. He let out an _oof_ as he smacked into the wall on the turn around.

"Oh, sorry." Kate was on her tip toes, trying to see the monitor better. Nothing was moving, and the only figures visible seemed to be stretched out across the floor. This wasn't good.

"Don't worry about it." Castle was holding his face. "It's only my nose. I don't think it's bleeding. It's not like I have a photo shoot next week or anything."

Kate turned, her attention caught. "You have a photo shoot?" She shook her head. Work. God. "No, never mind. Listen, you stay here, watch the monitor." She let go of his hand and moved to the corner, her gun at the ready. "I'm going in. If you see anything happen, don't come after me, go get back up."

"Or…" Castle's fingers were suddenly on her cheek, turning her to look at him. His face was leeched of color. "How about you stay with me and we both go get back up now? Because I'm not standing here and watching a TV screen to find out if you've been shot."

The "again" hung in the air, unspoken but furiously loud.

Kate felt the familiar stab of guilt for what she was doing to him.

"Okay." She nodded against his hand, his palm still cupping her jaw. "That's…" his eyes were haunted with all the things she never let him say, and she swallowed hard against the sudden lump in her throat. "…that's smarter. We'll…"

Castle suddenly pulled back. "Kate. Stop. The monitor"

He dropped his hand from her check and tugged on her arm, pulling her towards the corner.

"Castle, what are you doing? I don't think we can wait, we need to go get..."

"We don't. I think I know what's going on."

Her grabbed her shoulders and turned her around.

"Do you see it?"

Kate stepped closer. The image on the security monitor was grainy, but she could make out most of the people. Before there had been no movement, but now she could see something in the far corner. Something was moving outside the last cell. Something small. So small it was barely noticeable on the screen. It was weaving and bobbing…

"Is that? No...it can't be."

"It is." Castle's voice in her ear sounded a little too excited. "It's the ferret."

* * *

><p><strong>11:35 am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, hiding outside lockup, wtf**

Kate whirled around to stare at Castle, who, frankly, looked thrilled. No. This...just no. Kate had a limit for the ridiculous and she was pretty sure this was it. She went to move around Castle and into the hallway.

"Wait, what are you doing?"

"Castle, I have to..."

"No! You'll startle them!"

She stared at him blankly. This was crazytown. "What?"

"You'll jerk everyone awake. Just..." He carefully eased up to the corner, sneaking his head around. He watched for a second and then looked back at her, motioning her forward. "Look at this. But no loud noises."

Kate moved to the corner, unsure if Castle had finally lost it. He crouched down, still peering into the hall. He waved her up, indicating she should stand over him to see. She gingerly bent over him, gritting her teeth against the sensation of her legs against his back, his head against her hip as she leaned forward.

Kate wasn't sure what she expected to find in the hallway, but whatever it was, it wasn't this.

"This is…what is this?"

The scene before Kate was the weirdest thing she had seen so far today, and that was saying something. The occupants of every cell stretching down the hall were either prone on the floor or sitting slumped against the bars. Their eyes were opened, and they seemed caught between awareness and sleep.

The missing guards were leaning against the wall staring into the last cell, where a young woman was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor. Her cell mates were fanned out around the edges, up against the wall or the bars. No one moved, and the silence was complete but for the whistling noise Kate had noticed before.

In the middle of the hall, in front of the girl in the cell, was the ferret. Kate wasn't positive, since she wasn't a ferret expert, but she didn't think it was acting like a ferret was supposed to act. It was rooted to the spot, up on its hind legs like a merekat. It was slowly swaying back and forth, its body rippling and undulating. It reminded Kate of something.

The ferret was the only thing moving.

Kate inched back around the corner, pulling Castle with her. He stumbled as he got to his feet, falling against her, and she grabbed him around the waist to steady him.

"Castle. What the hell." Her words were muffled against his chest as he tried to right himself, his hands everywhere. Little points of heat were shooting all over her body and she was going to go insane if he didn't…

"Sorry!" He finally pulled himself off her. "It was an accident! You pulled me off balance!"

"No…not… what the hell with the ferret?"

"Oh." Castle blinked at her, his eyes not quite focused. He turned his head. "Can you hear that?"

"Castle! Oh my god!" Kate reached out and palmed his face as he had hers. "Focus! The ferret!"

Castle shook his head. "Right. Don't you see?" He gestured to the still figures on the monitor, to the dancing ferret. "They're hypnotized."

* * *

><p><strong>11:39 am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, outside lockup, seriously, wtf**

"Oh!" Kate sucked in a breath, stepping closer to the monitor. "They are!" Everyone in a stupor, the silence, it made sense now. Castle was a genius. "But how?"

Castle's arm appeared by her head, pointing at the screen. "It has to be that girl in the last cell; she's the only one awake."

Kate examined the girl on the screen. It was hard to see over the monitor, but she seemed to be dressed in some sort of harem outfit. She squinted, unable to get a clear view. She turned towards the hall. "It's too grainy. I can't see. I need to…"

Castle stepped in front of her, digging in his pocket, pulling out his wallet. "Wait." He removed a flat piece of shiny plastic shaped like a miniature frying pan and handed it to her. "Use this."

Kate frowned. "Is this a mirror?"

"Yes!" he sounded excited. "It's a flexible wallet mirror! Cool, huh? It's from Estonia."

Kate torqued her eyebrow. "Why do you have this?"

Castle stared at her. "In case I ever need to see around a corner without being seen." The "duh" was unspoken but implied.

Obviously. This was Castle. Kate sidled up to wall, carefully easing the mirror out. She had a clear view of the girl. She _was_ wearing a harem outfit.

She turned to Castle, whispering. "Look at her clothes. She's with the cat burglar circus crime ring."

Castle almost squealed. "I bet she's a side show attraction! She's a hypnotist!"

"Yeah but…how did she hypnotize everyone? And what is she doing to the ferret?" Kate was reexamining the scene in the mirror when suddenly his face was right there, his cheek against hers. She almost dropped the mirror. "What are you doing?"

"Shh." His whole body was against her back, their faces nestled together. "I'm trying to see."

Kate swallowed and tried not to move because his lips were _right there. _ Focus. She stared at the ferret, which was still swaying, almost like a…

"Esposito's right." Castle's voice rumbled against her, sending shots of need through her body and making it hard to catch her breath. "It does look like a cobra."

In a flash Kate understood, and turned so quickly that her lips actually grazed his, his arms automatically circling her for an instant before he jumped back, one hand to his mouth.

"Sorry!" Kate reached out to touch him before jerking her hand back. It was a shock…the brief feeling of his lips lingered; she was going to feel it for days. "I'm really…"

"Nooo." Castle still had his hand over his mouth, his eyes enormous. "Don't be sorry."

"Okay, but…"Kate took a breath, tried to pull it together. Foooocus. "Castle, that's it."

"What's it?" He still sounded dazed.

"The ferret's like a cobra! The whistling noise!"

Castle dropped his hand, comprehension breaking in his eyes. His mouth dropped opened in excited awareness.

"She's a snake charmer!"

"Her pipe was confiscated, so she's whistling!"

Castle fisted his hands in excitement. "This is the best case ever!" He was almost jumping. "I'm so jealous that Robbery gets it. Why couldn't they have been a murdering cat burglar circus crime ring?"

Kate put her hand up to stop him. "Okay, she's a snake charmer; we just go in and stop her."

Castle stilled, looked appalled. "But don't you want to know _why_ she hypnotized everybody?"

Just then Kate's gaze was caught by movement on the screen. Three of the girls in the same cell had broken away from the wall and were creeping towards the bars. One of them opened her hand and something - a rope? - flew out and lightly hit the guard, falling to the floor. The girl quickly reeled it in, then flung it out again.

Castle's hand was on her shoulder, bouncing, like he was jumping up and down behind her. "Kate! That's why! It's like that episode of the Brady Bunch!"

Kate gasped. "They're trying to get the keys off the guard!"

They turned to each other, their faces inches apart.

"They're trying for a jail break!"

"No" Castle's eyes were wide and delighted, his smile thrilled, "Not a jail break." His eyebrows quirked up. "A disappearing act."

Kate laughed. She couldn't help it. She just really, really loved him.

* * *

><p><strong>11:45 am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, lock up, the best laid plans...  
><strong>

Later, Kate would wonder why she thought it would be easy. Clearly, she had forgotten the day she was having.

She rounded the corner, stepping into the hallway, Castle behind her. Her gun was raised, but seriously, what was going to happen? It was a girl whistling.

"Freeze!" Her voice echoed off the walls, especially loud in the unnatural silence. The whistling abruptly ceased as the snake charmer leapt to her feet in surprise. Almost immediately the occupants of the zoo started stirring, the spell broken by Kate's shout.

The three girls throwing the rope froze.

Castle took a step closer and she thought she felt his hand feather against her hip before it dropped away.

"Is that…" he sounded incredulous "Is that their underwear?"

Kate squinted at the rope lying across the hall. Yes. Yes it was. A rope made of underwear knotted together, long enough that it must have included every pair of panties available in holding. Sure. Why the hell not?

"I'll just…" Castle's voice was strangled with suppressed laughter. "I'll just grab that." He went to step past her right as everything happened at once.

The guards, who had been slowly standing, blinking in confusion, suddenly sprang into action. One of them grabbed for the underwear chain, but missed. The other, obviously still confused, and startled by Castle's sudden movement in his direction, drew his gun.

"Freeze! Not a step closer!"

"Whoa!" Castle jumped back, his hands in the air.

"Officer!" Kate knew her eyes were wild with disbelief. That was just what today needed; Castle getting shot by friendly fire. "Stand down!"

"Detective Beckett?" The guy was still half out of it, his gun waving dangerously. "What's going on?"

Kate eased forward, trying not to spook him. "You have a situati…"

She got no further. At that moment the snake charmer sent Kate a wild-eyed look, sucked in a huge breath and started singing, a low unearthly wail.

Half of the people who had been slowly getting to their feet slumped back to the floor, including one of the guards.

The snake charmer's cohorts, three girls who Kate now recognized as the original cat burglars she'd seen this morning, once again threw out their underwear chain, aiming for the guard on the ground. Some sort of hook was tied to the last pair of panties.

Kate narrowed her eyes. It was the damn cat ear headband. Of course it was.

"Castle!" Kate trained her gun back and forth, trying to cover both the hypnotist girl and the shaky guard. "The girls! Get their underwear!"

Kate cringed before the words were out of her mouth, because Castle was going to have a field day with that one, but there was no answer. She whirled around to find him unresponsive, his eyes glazed over, swaying on his feet.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me." Castle would get himself hypnotized. Kate reached up to smack some sense into him when his unconscious balance failed him and he started to crumple. She could see it happening, like it was in slow motion, and put up both hands to stop him.

But she underestimated the force she needed to catch him, his dead weight knocking her off her feet. The room tilted and spun and then he was taking her down with him, a tangle of arms and legs as she struggled to right them even as they were falling.

Her gun slipped in her fingers and flew out of her hand.

She threw her arm out, reaching for it, somehow flipping them so that Castle landed first. His head struck the floor with a crack that would have scared the shit of her, if she could have heard it over the sound of her gun going off as it hit the floor.

Screams. Deafening screams as the whole hall erupted in panic.

* * *

><p><strong>11:52 am, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, lockup, AHHHH**

"Castle!" Kate could barely hear her own voice, her ears muffled by the gun shot. Even so, she could practically feel the din around her, as everyone in lockup was yanked out of their hypnotic stupor by the gun fire.

Except for Castle, who lay still, his eyes closed.

Kate had a sick feeling in her stomach that had nothing to do with her own fall as she struggled to get up, to get out from under him. Sometimes she forgot what a big man he was, tall and broad, but right now, unable to pry her leg from under his hip, his dead weight pinning her to the floor, he seemed to dwarf her completely.

He cracked his head when he fell…

"Castle!" she shouted again, her voice oddly sob-like. She twisted around, managing to move her leg enough that she could pull herself over his chest, reach his face, just as his eyes popped open.

"Kate?" He started struggling to get upright as she gasped in a shuddering breath of relief. "What happened?"

He was trying to stand up, but somehow she was both under him and on top of him, and he was trying to help her and, oh god, his hands were everywhere…one slipped up the back of her shirt, sliding against her bare skin, and just that was enough to make her jump, desire darting through her. She leapt back, disentangling herself all at once.

Kate could hear one of the guards calling for backup ("shots fired! "), but the other was still on the floor. In the chaos the cat girls were still trying for the key…and some random guy to her right was reaching through the bars, his fingers almost touching her gun, lying where it had fallen on the floor.

She dove for it, landing hard on her elbow, her fingers closing around the gun a millisecond before the guy reached it, shouting to Castle as she hit the ground.

"Get the underwear!"

Castle pointed at her. "Still on that. Okay!" He darted forward, nearly tripping over the ferret, which darted out of nowhere.

Out of the corner of her eye Kate could see the collapsed guard sitting up, shaking his head. The random guy tried to grab her wrist and she smashed the butt of her gun into his hand. Amazingly, over his screams she could still hear the singing, although it was a futile effort. No one could possibly stay hypnotized in this racket.

Castle went down. Instantly he popped back up, triumphantly holding the underwear chain aloft. "I have the panties! You get the ferret!"

Kate stood up clutching her gun and blew her hair out of her face. She looked at Castle, so adorable, and the words, the perfect response, flew out before she could stop herself. "And I'll meet you back in the bedroom?"

She could tell the guards were staring at her, scandalized, and she was going to hear about this for weeks, but the look on Castle's face was totally worth it.

* * *

><p>Reviiiiiieeeew. Please.:)<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N - I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! Thanks so much for sticking with this story.:) Castle tonight! Eeeee!

* * *

><p><strong>12:45, 12th precinct, bullpen. Kate's desk<strong>

Kate slumped at her desk, her head in one hand, her phone in the other. If she called the office would Dr. Burke be able to counsel her right now, over the phone? She'd never tried that before, but she needed someone to talk her down from the crazy.

Castle wasn't back yet. He'd had to make a phone call, said he'd meet her up here. That had been about a half an hour ago.

Half an hour during which Kate had reminded herself roughly 783 times that there were any number of reasons for Castle to make a phone call to some random woman he'd never mentioned before, most of which were innocuous.

Thirty minutes of staring at the accidental weapons discharge form she was supposed to be filling out, but instead going over and over everything Castle had said before he rushed out of lockup.

Kate needed to talk to him, just to reassure herself everything was okay. Things had gotten so weird right after they'd stopped the cat burglar circus crime ring from vanishing via hypnotism and underwear. Well, weirder.

And she'd been feeling so, so... the only word she could think of was _powerful_. She'd just made a joke about taking Castle to bed in front of two guards and a ton of criminals. She'd made this joke _to Castle_, who, no matter how used he was to her teasing, was probably having a hard time dismissing it as just flirtation.

It most definitely skirted the line of what was acceptable to say to your co-worker, but in the moment Kate couldn't even care. Castle's shock prevented him from disguising his delight and sheer sexual hunger, his eyes flaring with heat. For once, instead of wanting to run she'd just felt awesome.

She'd felt clear-headed, decisive, sexy, _fun_, and in that moment she regretted nothing.

And then...

* * *

><p><strong>roughly 30 minutes earlier, 12th precinct, lockup, right before things got weird(er)<strong>

Kate can't believe she really said it.

From the look on Castle's face – a cross between being hit over the head and going downstairs on Christmas morning – he can't believe it either. It was supposed to be a joke, but it may have put Castle over the edge, because the look on his face was rapidly changing from shock to pure, undisguised sexual hunger, so strong that Kate felt it like a blast of heat. It washed over her, setting every nerve on fire, and for a second everyone around them disappeared.

She took half a step forward, her heart pounding, her eyes locked to his, when backup arrived, four uniforms burst in behind her, their guns drawn, shouting at everyone to get down. Castle broke eye contact as his gaze flew behind her, right before he dropped face first to the floor.

Noise exploded around them again as Kate abruptly remembered that they weren't actually alone, but were surrounded by insanity. The hypnotist girl would not accept that it was over and was still wailing in her cell. The guy who tried to grab her gun was screaming, cradling his hand. And the ferret...

Was no where to be seen.

Kate shook her head, trying to regain her equilibrium, trying to shake the desire, the need just to touch him. The constant mood shifts were making her dizzy, pushing her to a breaking point. If she could just talk to Castle for five minutes without some sort of emotional or animal related emergency interrupting. She wasn't even sure if she was ready to say anything, but she wasn't going to find out in this mad house.

Kate glanced down at Castle prone on the floor, his hands behind his head. Ooookay. The first step was getting Castle upright.

Kate tucked her gun in her belt and stepped to the side to get out of the way of the incoming officers. Castle couldn't see her, so she didn't bother trying to alter her expression, to hold back the tender fondness shining from her eyes. "Castle. They don't mean you."

His face was in the floor, his voice muffled. "Newbie over there almost shot me. The day we're having, I'm not taking any chances."

He had a point.

* * *

><p><strong>5 minutes later, 12th precinct, lockup, yada yada yada<strong>

Five minutes later and everyone had been secured with the exception of the ferret, which Kate hadn't seen since it nearly tripped Castle. So close. Ryan was going to be devastated.

Kate turned from briefing the investigating officer from Robbery - never before had she had to say "panties" so many times in an official capacity – to find Jablonski, the guard who managed to stay conscious, beckoning her over.

"Thanks for your help." He reached out to shake her hand. "I think we've got it under control. You and Mr. Castle can take off." He nodded at Castle, who was still talking to Detective Walker. He had manged to mention the panties at least twice as many times as she had, she was sure. He looked up at the sound of his name, the heat in his eyes still making her knees wobbly.

"Yeah," interrupted the younger guard, the one who would have shot Castle if he hadn't gotten re-hypnotized. "We don't want to keep you guys. Sounds like you have places to be. Plans." His lips twisted as he tried to keep a straight face. "It's too bad you lost your ferret. That sounded..._interesting_."

Kate merely raised her eyebrows at the guy, knowing that this was but a drop in the bucket of possible co-worker related hazing, but she happened to catch Castle's face as he headed toward her. He had obviously heard. His eyes were shifting from her to the guard, the heat gone, his expression now unreadable.

"Hey." He stepped up next to her, carefully not touching her, respectfully out of her personal space. "Are we good to go?"

Castle was only a step or two away but it was so unusual for them that it was making Kate uncomfortable. Without thinking she took a step closer.

He stepped back.

For a second Kate was so surprised her mind went blank. It was as if she'd been hit with a rush of ice water, and was so startled she actually sucked in a breath that was almost a gasp.

Castle smiled at her like everything was fine. Normal, like he hadn't just stared at her like he wanted to rip her clothes off, then jumped back like he couldn't bear to have her close. Kate felt her eyebrows draw together, her heart rate pick up.

Immediately Castle's face shifted to concern. He reached out a hand as if to cup her elbow before dropping it to his side, his fingers clenching in a fist. "You okay?"

The young guard muttered to himself, barely audible, "She will be once you get her to the bedroom."

Oh, honestly. Kate knew she was going to get some ribbing for her comment to Castle, but she wasn't taking anymore from Officer Newbie McShoots over there.

"I'm sorry, what?" Her voice was loud, her glare withering, her hand resting on her gun. "I didn't quite hear you."

The guard jumped, "Uh, nothing?" She could actually see the blush creeping up his neck, staining his face red. He threw a desperate glance to Jablonski as if for help, but just got a head shake.

"Oh, sorry. My mistake." Kate sent him a disdainful smile that turned into a smirk as she turned away. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Detective Walker and Jablonski trying to contain their own smiles.

"Yeah, Castle, I'm fine." She hooked her hand through his elbow and started to step away.

Behind her Jablonski coughed. "Thanks again. You two...have fun."

Kate paused but didn't turn around. Jablonski wouldn't be intimidated by a glare, dammit, and it's not like she hadn't known this would happen. As long as Gates didn't hear about it...

The thought of Gates sent a shiver of fear running through her before she ruthlessly squashed it down. Kate had enjoyed these last five minutes of feeling confident and unafraid. She wasn't going to worry. Gates wouldn't hear, everything was fine. She started down the hall, tugging on Castle's arm.

Castle, who wasn't moving. Her hand was still looped around his elbow. He wasn't shaking her off, but he wasn't really leaning into her, either. He seemed to be holding himself unnaturally still, his eyes fixed and steady, like he was studying her. "You're sure you're fine?"

"Yeah." She smiled and shrugged her shoulders, trying to shake off the weird vibe she was getting from him, trying to go for normal. "I just can't believe that after all of that we didn't get the ferret." Okay, relatively normal.

"But we foiled a cat burglar circus crime ring. You can't say that every day." Castle was smiling, his expression relaxed, but he was still holding himself so carefully, oddly apart from her.

"True."

Jablonski and Detective Walker were no longer paying them any attention. They had moved down the hall and were having a serious discussion about the proper procedure for confiscating the underwear chain as evidence. They seemed to be debating whether they had a legal or moral obligation to provide the cat squad with panties.

But that newbie guard...Kate sighed. He was trying to surreptitiously observe them while he checked the locks on each cell, and was totally failing at the "surreptitious" part. Kate hoped he never went out for Vice, because he would suck at undercover work. Lord, he was an idiot.

Castle's face darkened as he turned and started walking down the hallway. "That guy's fucking worthless."

Kate blinked, his language and his sudden vehemence startling her. "Because he almost shot you?"

Castle jerked his eyes back to her. "What? No. He just..."

He was glaring at the guy, his face so serious, furious. For a moment there was something in eyes, something she'd never seen... "He just needs to pay attention to his job."

"Okay." Kate wasn't sure what to think, what to say. Castle never criticized police officers. Never. And this guy, while not the brightest, hadn't done anything to warrant this kind of anger, even if he had almost shot Castle.

And this was _Castle._ He didn't do moody and angry. Kate felt the unease she'd been trying to tap down start to spread, her shoulders tensing up.

Just then the theme music from Harry Potter started chiming, muffled but unmistakable. Castle stepped away, gently disengaging her hand, and dug his phone out of his pocket. "Sorry." He held it up. The screen was filled with a picture of Hogwarts. "Alexis's school."

He listened for a second, then dropped the phone back in his pocket, once again moving for the exit. "Automated message. School's been closed because of the blizzard. I wonder why Alexis hasn't called?"

"Maybe she's waiting until she gets home. Call her when we get upstairs."

Castle nodded without looking at her, and again Kate felt that odd breathlessness she was trying to ignore. She was not going to overreact.

They were just turning into the main hallway when the elevator opened at the other end. Kate saw Jenkins step out followed by…seriously?

Kate stopped, staring, because it was still amazing. "Just wait, Castle." The clowns started piling out and filing past in a seemingly never ending line down the narrow hallway. "It's going to be a minute until the elevator's free."

Jenkins winked as he passed her, almost smiling. He was obviously getting a kick out of this. Kate was glad someone's day was going well.

Castle huffed. "They're just getting down here? How long were they in interrogation?"

"Yeah, but…" Kate pressed herself against the wall so the clowns would have room to pass, her side brushing up against Castle. She told herself she had to be imagining it when it seemed like he flinched. "...it had to take a while. That's a lot of clowns."

Castle's face was strained, the lines around his mouth tight. "Kate, just say excuse me, you can squeeze through. You're tiny." He was trying not to touch her while still herding her towards the end of the hall.

They had almost reached the end of the clown pack when Kate stopped. "Shoot. I meant to count them if I saw them again. How many do you think there are?"

"Don't stop, don't turn back. Let's just get out of here." Castle was still hustling her along the hallway, resolutely facing forward.

Kate stared at him in disbelief. Who was this guy? "You're not interested? You."

Castle opened his mouth to respond, his face a knot of frustration, when his text message alert went off, the sound bouncing off the walls in the narrow corridor. It always disappointed Kate that it was just a boring chime. Castle fumbled for his phone, digging in his pocket again while he tried to steer Kate and dodge clowns.

"Sorry, I've just been waiting..." He got his phone out right as they cleared the clowns. Castle abruptly stopped, his head bent over the phone, eyes on the screen. As he read his face finally relaxed, that odd, stilted look draining away. He took a deep breath, the corners of his mouth tilting up.

Kate didn't mean to do it, but she was right in front of him, facing him, and it wasn't her fault if she could read upside down.

_Got your message about tomorrow night. That will definitely work. I'll call you._

The sender was someone named Betina.

Castle's lips were still quirked into a small smile. "Listen. I'll meet you upstairs, okay? I need to make this call."

"Okay." Her voice was neutral but inside alarm bells were going off.

Castle smiled at her, distracted. He brushed past, heading for the stairwell, his hand trailing lightly against her elbow for a moment before he snatched it back, as if he'd forgotten touching her was something he wasn't doing.

Kate felt short of breath, unbalanced, like she had missed a step coming down the stairs and had to reorient herself. Carefully she breathed in and out, reminding herself that everything was probably fine, that there was no reason to over-react, like she had in the elevator.

Betina? She didn't know of any Betina, but it was impossible to know all of Castle's entourage. She was probably an editor, or a publicist, or an assistant to a publicist, or an editor's assistant. Probably.

Kate stood still in the dim hallway, her eyebrows furrowed, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in her stomach. It was most likely something to do with an upcoming book signing, or maybe that photo shoot he had mentioned. She was sure it was nothing.

Kate wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly noticing the chill. It had better be nothing.

* * *

><p><strong>12:46, 12th precinct. Back at Kate's desk. Still no Castle.<strong>

Exactly how long did one damn phone call take, anyway?

Kate put down her phone. She couldn't call Dr. Burke. She was pretty sure he didn't do sessions over the the phone, but even if he did, she couldn't talk about all of her Castle-related insecurities in the middle of the bullpen.

Aside from the obvious reasons, the way this day was going she was likely to be interrupted by escaped cobras, or a pack of ninjas, or an elephant. Maybe Spiderman would show up outside the window. Maybe Castle's girlfriend would walk in.

Kate took a deep, shaky breath, and reined in her anxious thoughts. He didn't have a girlfriend. He didn't.

She wished Lanie were still here.

Kate briefly contemplated confiding in Esposito. Not that she would tell him everything, but if she presented the story of Castle's weirdness as concern for Castle's well-being, rather than concern that Castle had a date tomorrow night, it might work, even if Esposito had gotten unusually good at seeing through her bullshit where her emotions were concerned.

But Esposito had his own problems today. And who was she kidding? He would totally see through her bullshit.

Ryan she didn't even consider. He'd been devastated when he'd heard they had come so close to catching the ferret. He was sitting at his desk, silently sulking, even though Kate had apologized about a thousand times.

"Yo, Beckett. Where's Castle? Still in bed?"

Esposito was exiting the break room, heading in her direction with what could only be described as a shit-eating grin. Jablonski must have texted him before she was even out of lockup. Awesome. Tax dollars at work.

Kate just managed to keep her face blasé. "If that's where you left him."

Espostio ignored her completely. "And while I appreciate your dedication to duty, you didn't have to try and actually shoot the ferret."

Ryan looked up from his desk, grinning, "Yeah, Beckett. That was above and beyond."

Her humiliation seemed to have brought the boys back together, given them something to bond over. Wonderful. Kate was so, _so _pleased for them.

Kate lifted the weapons form and waved it in the air. "Hey. What should I put down for_ Reason for weapons discharge_? How does, _attempting to detain Ryan's secret, escaped, against-regulations ferret_ sound? Think Gates will find that acceptable?"

The smirk dropped off Ryan's face. "Now, wait. I thought it was an accidental weapons discharge because Castle knocked you over."

"Maybe because he tripped over your ferret."

Esposito paused at Ryan's desk. "I thought he didn't trip over the ferret until he went after the underwear."

Kate's mouth dropped open. "Seriously, did Jablonski send you a video or something? How did you know that?"

"Oh, everyone knows."

"Great."

A uniform, the one who started last week, faltered as he passed them, obviously overhearing. Esposito gave him the head nod. "Hey, man. 'Sup."

The new guy muttered something and scurried away, trying unsuccessfully to hide the look on his face that said he thought they were all crazy. Or perverts.

"So," Ryan glanced around, checking that the coast was clear of Gates, who had to be the only person left in the precinct who didn't know about the ferret. That was going to make her extra pissed when she eventually and inevitably found out. "if Castle didn't trip over the ferret, why did he knock you down?"

Kate was amazed they hadn't heard this part. It was the best part. "He wasn't really conscious. He was hypnotized like everyone else."

Ryan and Esposito immediately started snickering, just like she knew they would, but for a second she remembered Castle's head smacking the floor. How he was unconscious in the middle of the pandemonium, and she couldn't find it funny.

"So he _passed out_ on you?" Ryan had no trouble finding it hilarious.

"So overcome by Castle's manly physique dragging you to the floor that you dropped your gun, huh?" Esposito waggled his eyebrows and gave her his sexy face.

Kate snorted and picked up her pen. "You give Lanie that face? No wonder she left."

Esposito tossed himself into Castle's chair. "Nah, she loves my face. She's on her way back to the morgue, a body was brought in." He held up his hand at her indrawn breath. "Don't get excited, it's not for us. It's Carver's team."

"Dammit."

Ryan jerked his head towards the elevator. "There's Castle."

Kate twisted around in time to watch Castle pivot away from them, staring down at his phone as he headed for the break room.

"Well, there he was." Ryan stood up. "I'm gonna get some coffee, too. You guys want some?"

Kate shook her head as she watched Castle walk away, still intent on his phone. She wanted to follow him but she told herself that was ridiculous. Everything was fine. She lay her hands flat against her desk to stop the shaking; tried to ignore that her stomach was slowly twisting into knots. Totally fine.

* * *

><p><strong>1:04 pm, 12th precinct, bullpen<strong>

Castle stepped off the elevator and headed into the bullpen, his steps slowing when he saw Kate was already back at her desk. He'd hoped for a couple more minutes.

He'd never been so glad to get a text message before. Never been glad to have an excuse to get away from Kate.

Castle had no idea what had been going on with them in the elevator and lockup. She had seemed upset, but then she seemed okay, and then maybe they had turned some sort of corner, but then they were sort of back to normal.

They had foiled a hypnotist and found random underwear and she'd made that ridiculous joke about the panties and the ferret and his bedroom, and oh God, he takes that back, because no joke that Kate makes about them being together in a bedroom is ever, ever ridiculous.

Especially since it was what had pushed him over the edge. He knew it was a joke, _he knew it_ and yet his mind completely skipped over the joke and went directly to part about Kate. In his bedroom.

She was standing in front of him, her eyes lit up, so pleased with herself. Her hair was rumpled and her face was flushed and she was smiling, having fun, and if four armed cops hadn't appeared, threatening to shoot them, he's positive he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from grabbing her. Yanking her to him so he could feel all of her against him. Running his hand up her shirt to feel her skin, kissing her, hard, like he'd wanted to for years.

Castle took a deep breath. Just thinking about it was making him hot, his skin too tight. It's a good thing the cops burst in, or he would have given those asshole guards something to really talk about.

Castle felt his stomach clench, remembered rage still making him want to punch something. Kate had mentioned before that she sometimes got a hard from some of the guys for Nikki Heat, for her association with him. She usually brought it up when she was mad at him.

It seems unfathomable now, but he used to find it sort of funny. Shame washed through him. Shame that he was the reason she had to put up with that shit; shame for the guy he'd been. Because now he can't imagine what the hell had been wrong with him. The sudden, all encompassing rage he'd felt when that asshole had opened his stupid mouth, like he had some right to even think about her like that...

He'd felt like he was going to explode. His anger, his desire, all roiling together with no outlet, no escape, and he couldn't be near her, couldn't touch her. He'd had to get out of there, away from her, just to calm down.

God, that fucking guard. It took almost as much effort not to punch him in his disrespectful mouth as it did not to kiss Kate.

Granted, Kate could take care of herself, and she hadn't seemed to really get why he was angry...

Seriously, he had no idea what was going on.

His overwhelming want was clouding his senses, muddling his mind, making it impossible to think.

Castle wasn't positive he hadn't invented all of it - the whole emotional roller-coaster ride of a morning - in his own head. All he knew for sure was that if he'd had to spend even one more minute with some part of her body pressed up against him he was going to kiss her, and probably ruin everything.

Except, maybe not. That was the problem. He was so worked up, so painfully aroused, that he was no longer a reliable witness. He wanted her so badly that he was mistaking her every gesture, twisting it into what he wanted it to be.

Although her hand against his bare skin and her lips brushing his was pretty difficult to misinterpret.

Unless that had been a complete accident. In which case, never mind.

Castle could remember a time – a time before Kate - when he could feel aroused without also feeling like a ninth grade boy, desperate just to touch her, all anxiety and frantic, futile longing. He's not sure he'd ever felt like that before, even when he was actually in the ninth grade.

His playboy reputation was somewhat exaggerated…okay, no it wasn't. He'd always had a way with the ladies, but he'd never had to want anyone as long as he'd wanted Kate. With any other woman the delayed gratification would have dulled the want, decreased his interest, but not with Kate.

With her he's so far gone now that he knows having her won't stop the wanting. Nothing ever will. She could have died that awful day, under that falsely bright sun, and he still would have wanted her, every minute, until the day he joined her in the ground.

Earlier on, when Castle was still able to tell himself that what he felt for her was just an unusually intense sexual attraction, he wondered if that was the very reason why, her unavailability. He wouldn't be the first man to want what he couldn't have just because he couldn't have it, even if that wasn't his typical m.o. Usually he liked women who liked him back, who were just as ready for fun as he was.

But Kate…

In the beginning there were moments when she seemed to actually dislike him, but that didn't stop the wanting. It only seemed to intensify it, and at first Castle didn't understand. Sure, sometimes the chase was fun, but not when he knew he was never going to catch her.

He knows now that what he felt for her was always more, right from the beginning, when she blew him out of his doldrums and launched his very life onto a new trajectory.

He'd based a whole series of books on her so he could have an excuse to follow her around all day. Who did that? It was so transparent it was laughable, and Castle can't believe he's gotten away with it. Can't believe that Kate didn't understand exactly why he was there, what he felt for her, from the very beginning.

But maybe she didn't.

Castle rubbed his hands over his face. Maybe she honestly didn't know. He didn't. Not at first.

The moment he recognized the reality of his feelings for her was outside her apartment building, flames licking against the sky, his ears ringing, his phone useless in his hand. He still couldn't articulate it, probably because there was no room in his head for anything but the sheer gut-tearing fear. Castle doesn't even remember running into the building. One minute he was on the sidewalk, blinded by the heat, and the next he was throwing himself at her door.

He'd felt the same jerky, disjointed sense of lost time when Lockwood tried to shoot her. Castle remembered the abrupt, horrifying comprehension that Lockwood had Kate in his sights, but then nothing but a haze of panic-fueled rage until he came to himself, Lockwood unconscious beneath him. His hand aching and bloody, Kate calling his name, safe. Safe and alive.

Castle wished the last time had been like that. Wished that, like Kate, he had no memory of the cemetery; of the flash of the scope, of the the way realization hit him just as the bullet hit her. He dove for her anyway, but he already knew. He was too late, and for one dreadful, devastating moment that lasted months and months, he was sure he had lost her forever.

Castle stood by the elevator and watched her talking with Ryan and Esposito before slowly turning and heading for the break room. He couldn't go over there yet. Kate would see everything in his face. He wasn't sure exactly what she did want, but he was pretty sure she wasn't ready for the full force of his love to crash over her like a tidal wave.

He pulled out his phone. He'd double check and make sure Alexis got home okay.

Castle stepped into the break room and dialed. The phone rang four times before someone answered. It wasn't Alexis.

* * *

><p>Thanks so much for reading. Reviews are delicious and awesome.:)<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

* * *

><p><strong>1:04 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, a brief recap**

_Castle stood by the elevator and watched Kate talking with Ryan and Esposito before slowly turning and heading for the break room. He couldn't go over there yet. She would see everything in his face. He wasn't sure exactly what she did want, but he was pretty sure she wasn't ready for the full force of his love to crash over her like a tidal wave._

_He pulled out his phone. He'd double check and make sure Alexis got home okay._

_Castle stepped into the break room and dialed. The phone rang four times before someone answered. It wasn't Alexis._

* * *

><p><strong>1:05 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, the break room**

"Hello?"

The male voice on the other end of the phone was decidedly not Alexis. Castle felt everything in him freeze as every case involving a murdered young woman flashed through his mind. He drew in a sharp breath before he spoke, his voice loud and hard. "Who is this? Where's Alexis?"

There was a slight pause while the robber deliberated, and Castle felt his chest seizing up, his hands shaking on the phone.

And then, "Um, she's in the shower?" The rapist and/or murderer's voice slid up at end, like a question.

Castle hesitated, trying to concentrate past the surge of panic, because the murder/rapist sounded oddly young and…nervous. Almost familiar. In fact, it kind of sounded like… Oh no.

Abruptly Castle's panic was replaced with rage, which was probably an over-reaction, but he'd just had to deal with hypnotists and runaway ferrets and sexist guards. And now he had to deal with -

"Ashley? Is that you?"

Ashley let out a relieved breath. "Oh, hi Mr. Castle"

"Oh _hi_! Ashley! Why aren't you at college? And why the hell are you in my house while my daughter is in the shower?"

"Oh, no. God, Mr. Castle, I'm sorry. It's...it's not… I just answered her phone because she's all wet…"

Of all the things you don't want to hear from your teenage daughter's ex-boyfriend, "she's all wet" had to top the list. Castle could feel his hands clenching into fists. He started toward the bullpen. "Get Alexis on the phone. Now."

"Yes, sir. I'll just go…"

"Do not go in that bathroom while she's in the shower!"

"Okay…but how…?" Ashley's voice had risen to a squeak.

"Figure it out!"

Castle wrenched opened the door and collided with Ryan on his way in. He grabbed his arm - his grip was too hard, if Ryan's recoil was any indication, but he couldn't worry about that now, not when scenarios involving kidnappers and stalkers and his daughter having sex were hijacking his thoughts. He held the phone away from his face and tried to keep his voice down even though his heart was racing. "Get Beckett!"

"What?" Ryan immediately snapped into cop mode. "What's the problem?"

"Dad?" Alexis popped on the phone, her voice apprehensive. "What's going on?"

Relief that Alexis wasn't being held by kidnappers using Ashley as a front man, mingled with the realization that Alexis had gotten to the phone way, way too fast to have gotten dressed made him splutter into the phone. "Alexis! Why didn't you call? Why is Ashley answering your phone?"

"Dad, I'm sorry, I was all wet and cold from the snow, so I took a shower…"

"Yes, I have heard that you were in the shower."

"And Ashley didn't want you to worry…"

"Too late!"

"So he answered the phone…"

"What is he even doing here? He's supposed to be at Stanford!"

"He's home for a long weekend."

"It's Tuesday! And I thought you were broken up!"

"He just came by to talk about some things…"

"You were going to talk while you were in the shower?"

"No! I was already in the shower when he got here."

Castle felt his eyes bugging. "What! Then how did he get in?" Visions of hostages and robberies returned. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Silence.

"Alexis?"

"He, um…he might still have a key."

Castle could feel all the blood rushing to his face. "STILL have a key!" He felt like he might choke.

Ryan turned. "I'm getting Beckett."

The choking sensation eased somewhat. Kate would know what to do. "Alexis, don't move."

He held the phone away from his face. "Can I get the police involved? Even if she let him in willingly?" Thoughts of bizarre kidnapping scenarios and Alexis wearing nothing but a towel flashed across his mind. "Of course, it can't hurt to check."

Ryan looked over his shoulder as Castle followed him out of the break room door. "I'm getting Beckett for you, man. You're freaking out."

* * *

><p><strong>Also at 1:05 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, Beckett's desk**

Kate sat at her desk, carefully not watching the break room, and mentally reviewed her reasons for freaking out.

She briefly marveled at the fact that she seemed to have done more personal introspection today than she had done in her entire tenure in Dr. Burke's office thus far. Then again, she had never had a day when the most mentally challenging thing on her agenda had been outsmarting a ferret. Which she had failed to do.

Whatever. It really freed up time to think.

Someone needed to die. Kate felt badly about that, but she needed a case. Because too much time to think had led to the following conclusions:

She was pathetically in love with Castle. So much so that if and when she ever managed to tell him, he was going to be completely astonished by her level of slavish devotion. Maybe not in a good way. And…

If it was in a good way, if they actually got together, there was a good chance that he would be kicked out of the precinct. But that might be a moot point, because…

Once she told him about her feelings, she would have to admit that she had heard him that terrible day in the cemetery and that she had been blatantly lying to him for months. At which point he might want nothing to do with her. Added to which…

It had recently occurred to her that Castle didn't actually seem to be in that much of a hurry for her to remember. In fact, maybe he was grateful she didn't, because…

Now he could pretend he never said it, and instead date other, more emotionally healthy and available women. Dates that…

He may or may not be trying to set up right now, with all of his mysterious texts and phone calls. Which circled back to moot points, because…

If Gates heard about Kate's comments from lockup she would assume they were a couple and kick him out. If she hadn't already fired all of them because of…

The stupid ferret.

Kate wasn't sure what it said about her that her list of romantic problems included a ferret.

No, she was sure. It said that she was a coward, because there shouldn't even be a list. She had some legitimate concerns, but the second half of the list was ridiculous.

Kate took a deep breath. If she didn't want to be that girl, pathetically in love, losing her mind at every word or action she didn't understand, then she needed to _stop being that girl_. Love shouldn't be pathetic.

She didn't need to call Dr. Burke. Kate knew what he would say. If she wanted to be more then she was going to have to do more, starting with simply asking Castle what was wrong, and who was on the phone. Why was she trying to pretend she didn't care when she did?

"Beckett!"

Kate looked up to see Ryan striding out of the break room, his coffee forgotten. Castle was right behind him. He was still on his phone, eyes darting all over the place. Across the bullpen his gaze met hers. The look on his face had her out of chair, whirling to meet them halfway.

"What's wrong?"

Ryan stopped in front of her, his voice low. "We have a situation."

* * *

><p><strong>1:14 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, in the vicinity of Beckett's desk, with a situation**

Kate felt sick. "What? What's the situation?"

Ryan cut his eyes back at Castle, his look aggravated pity. He leaned in to whisper, "Castle's flipping out. Alexis' boyfriend answered the phone and Castle thinks it's suspicious."

Castle looked like his head was going to explode. "It's her ex-boyfriend! And the whole thing seems weird!"

Kate put her hand to her chest, almost lightheaded with relief. "That's it? Ashley answered the phone? I thought something was really wrong."

Castle's eyes were popping out. "Something is really wrong! I think Alexis might be naked!"

"What?" Kate looked at Ryan, who just shrugged his shoulders.

"See? Flipping out."

Her hands were actually trembling in a belated reaction to the adrenaline. Great. Castle looked mildly upset and she practically had a panic attack. Kate resisted the urge to punch him in the arm. That would take care of some of the adrenaline.

Castle stepped around Ryan, frantically waving her towards him, now talking, presumably to Alexis. "What are you wearing? Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I'm not that young, you know."

Kate took in his red face and erratic gestures. Maybe he was a little more than mildly upset.

Her irritation drained away as she recognized the sincere worry in his eyes, no matter how unfounded. It was all well and good for him to think up elaborate stories about the depravity of men and their motivations when it concerned strangers. The downside was that it seemed just as real when he was imagining that depravity aimed at his precious daughter. The curse of the writer's imagination.

"At least tell me that Ashley didn't come in the bathroom while you were actually in the shower."

Or maybe he was just imagining his teenage daughter having sex. The curse of the father.

"So Ashley came in while you were in the shower? He was waiting for you when you got out?" Castle spoke at about twice his usual volume, enunciating clearly. He tilted the phone away from his mouth and reached out to snag Kate's arm, pulling her into his body, his mouth suddenly against her ear. "Get over here and listen to this, something doesn't sound right."

Kate was snuggled into Castle's body as he leaned over so she could press her ear next to his. She had to close her eyes for a second when the feeling of being surrounded by Castle, by his heat and his smell, engulfed her. She was back in the dark of lock-up with his lips inches from hers...and she missed the first part of whatever Alexis was saying.

"…seriously embarrassing me!" Alexis sounded like she was in a tunnel, which meant she was on speakerphone. "Why are you being so weird?"

Pressed in so close, Kate could actually feel Castle's heartbeat, hard and fast. "Well, I'm sorry Alexis, if I get worried and weird when I call my daughter and instead get her ex-boyfriend. Of course, I'm just taking your word for it that it's Ashley. It could be a kidnapper with an excellent gift for mimicry."

"Oh my God, Dad!" Alexis sounded totally exasperated, a tone in her voice that Kate recognized from her own dealings with Castle. "There aren't any kidnappers!"

"How do I know Alexis! You can't be too careful. Maybe the kidnappers are making you say that! Maybe you and Ashley have guns to your heads!"

"Will you please stop! Ashley can hear you!"

"If you don't want Ashley to hear then why are you on speakerphone?"

"So I can hold up my towel."

"You had better be kidding."

"You would rather I didn't hold up my towel?"

"That's it. I'm on my way home right now."

"Seriously? Have you lost your mind?" Alexis paused and then, "Kate?" There was a hint of resignation in her tone. "I know you're there. Can you please make him stop being ridiculous?"

Kate actually felt her stomach drop, like she'd been caught in the act of …something. "Uhhh…um…" Now she was stuttering. Wow. This was awkward. "He's just…" She took a calming breath. "He's just worried, Alexis."

Kate felt Castle freeze. With his body aligned with hers, their cheeks pressed together,

Kate was hyper aware of how good he smelled, how close his lips were. She hadn't felt this busted since that time in 11th grade when her dad had walked in on her and Mike Holsterman on the couch with his hand up her shirt.

Alexis sighed. "Dad. I said I was sorry. I left my phone on the coffee table. Ashley saw it was you and answered it so you wouldn't be worried. That's it."

Kate felt Castle swallow, and had to close her eyes against the need to turn and press her lips to his throat.

He inhaled. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Alexis sighed again. "Dad. I promise, everything is fine. Ashley and I are just going to talk." Kate kind of doubted that. "There's no need to worry."

Kate could feel Castle's agitation and genuine worry and felt terrible for him, even if he was acting sort of like a total lunatic. A lunatic whose neck she was going to accidentally kiss if she wasn't able to move away in the next five seconds.

He huffed into the phone, "Okay, but I'm calling every half hour to make sure you're okay."

Kate could practically hear Alexis rolling her eyes. "No, Dad, you're not. I'm 17, not 10. I love you. The kidnapper says I have to hang up now."

Castle jerked upright and started spluttering into the phone. Kate could still hear Alexis still talking on the other end ("Kidding! Gosh!") before she finally hung up.

Castle slumped into his chair looking confused and a little lost, like he was wondering how on earth his little girl was 17 and able to demand time alone with her boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.

Looking at him, Kate felt a wave of tenderness for him and his huge heart. She wished for the hundredth time today that they weren't in the precinct so they could have one moment of privacy. She was becoming increasing sure of what she would do if they did. Instead she caught his eye and tilted her head to the side.

"Not kidnappers, huh?"

Castle was rhythmically rubbing his temples. "Worse. Ashley." He leaned over and thunked his forehead against her desk. "She was probably standing there in just a towel. At least I hope she had on a towel." He shuddered. "Why did I think that? Now I'll never unthink it. I'm going to have to bleach my brain."

Kate felt her heart turn over. She had no defense against this Castle, this loving, concerned father Castle. It made him so vulnerable. "Come on. I'll make you a coffee."

"Are you trying to make me feel better? Because - and I don't mean to hurt your feelings - I don't know if your coffee skills are up to that."

Kate feigned offense, her hand to her chest. "I'll have you know Castle, that my coffee…" she paused and leaned over, searching out his eyes, a smile tugging at her lips, "…is really not _that_ bad."

Castle huffed out a short laugh, but his eyes were still bleak, even as he tried to smile at her. "That's debatable. But you know what? I'm sick of the break room. Let's run out for a coffee."

Kate was poised to agree. The thought of time alone with him away from the precinct was so tempting, however short and public it may be. She might even be able to work up the courage to ask him what was going on in lockup. But she abruptly remembered, "We shouldn't. The blizzard. It's like a wall of snow out there."

Castle was already on his feet, reaching for his coat. At this he stopped. He dropped heavily back into his chair, his head flopping back. "You're right. We're stuck here."

That seemed true on so many levels. Castle looked so despondent that Kate almost couldn't stand it.

"You know, so what? Let's go anyway. It's just snow. It's only a block." She nudged his foot with hers. "We'll make it."

Castle lifted his head, still with a smile that somehow only covered the surface. "Don't be silly. I can wait for the coffee, Kate."

He stood back up and swept out his arm to indicate that she should go ahead of him. "Break room. I'll make you coffee."

But that's how it always was.

Kate nodded and stepped ahead of him, her eyes narrowed in thought.

Things needed to change.

* * *

><p><strong>1:27 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, break room. Again**

Kate wrapped her hands around the mug Castle handed her, letting the warmth seep into her fingers. It was getting colder inside; the remaining heaters couldn't keep up. Maybe they would all get sent home, like Alexis. For some reason the thought of being home, snowed in, all alone with nothing to do, didn't sound nearly as appealing as it should.

Castle sat down next to her, his eyes cast down at the coffee in his own hands.

"You okay?"

He nodded shortly, "Yeah. I'm fine. Aside from feeling really foolish, and my sudden urge to Google information about convents." He looked up. "If I hurry I can probably get Alexis into one before she turns eighteen and I lose my parental authority."

Her heart squeezed. "I'm sure Alexis is fine."

"I know." Castle nodded a few times. "I really do know that. She's a smart girl." He glanced up at her. "Even so, would it be out of line if I had you call her and remind her to use condoms? Woman to woman?"

Kate fought the temptation to laugh. "Maybe a little."

"Worth a shot." He cleared his throat. "Listen, I'm sorry I was such an idiot. Nothing new there, right?"

Kate kept her hands tightly wrapped around her mug so she wouldn't reach for him. "You weren't an idiot, you were just worried. Just a dad."

He rubbed his eyes, scrubbed his hands down his face. "I just…I really don't want her to be having sex with him."

"Castle…"

He sat back, "I know. Could I be a bigger hypocrite? And I know she loved him, and that she's almost an adult…but she's my baby, and…"

Kate forgot that she was trying not to reach for him and gently covered his fist with her hand. "What?"

Castle opened his hand and turned it over, his eyes on their intertwining fingers. "It's times like this when I really feel like I fail her. She needs a mother to talk to about having sex with her boyfriend. No matter what I do I'm not the same as a mother."

Kate felt her breath catch in her throat. No. Not the same as a mother. She closed her eyes. This was about Castle, and what he needed right now. "Castle," She lowered her head, trying to see his eyes. "I don't think you could have been a better father to her. Alexis knows she can talk to you if she needs to. About anything."

Castle finally looked up at her, a rare vulnerability in his eyes. "I hope so, but she's never said anything to me about this, and…"

"Castle." Kate interrupted, wanting to hug him but deciding he would benefit from a reality check instead. "Most seventeen-year-old girls do not discuss the pros and cons of having sex with their boyfriends with either parent, no matter how close they are. And besides," She licked her lips, unable to pull her eyes from his, rather desperately reaching for a light tone, "she does have a mother."

Castle groaned. "The thought of Meredith advising Alexis in sexual matters does not ease my mind."

"There's your mother…"

Castle's mouth dropped open in horror. "Oh my God. That's worse. Now you're trying to upset me."

Okay. He was in danger of wallowing. It was time for the big guns. Shock and awe. Kate tossed her hair and arched her eyebrow, leaning in closer. "If it helps, I didn't talk to my mother about having sex with my boyfriend."

Castle's eyes lifted to hers, wary, like he suddenly realized the dangerous ground he was treading with her. "No?"

"No." Kate scoffed. "I just did it. In the backseat of her car."

That did it. Castle's eyes widened, delighted and intrigued. "Seriously? You…I…I can't believe you just told me that. You must really want me to feel better."

Kate smiled back, trying not to close her eyes at how good his thumb felt against her sensitive palm. "You've had a rough morning. I figured you'd earned it."

Castle turned in his chair, bringing his leg against hers, his eyes filling with glee. "Really, the back seat? How very, very clichéd of you, Detective Beckett."

Kate shrugged, trying not to melt on the table. "I like to think of it as being traditional. Keeping it old school."

"Hm." Castle nodded, his smile barely contained and finally real. "I approve. Are we sure we don't need to go anywhere? I have a sudden urge to get in the car with you."

Kate couldn't help it. She burst out laughing, as much with relief as anything else, because this was the Castle she knew, and she was so glad to have him back. Her shoulders were shaking with mirth, her other hand somehow coming to rest on the inside of his knee, and then she was looking into his eyes and his mouth was _right there_ and her laughter stuttered to a stop as she lost all breath.

In an instant the mood shifted from teasing to the desire that always lay just under the surface of everything between them.

For endless moments they stared at each other, caught, suspended; unable to go forward, but way, way too late to go back.

"Kate?" Castle sounded almost surprised, his eyes wide. He was motionless for half a second until his other hand slowly moved up to ghost along the hair at her cheek, to gently tuck it behind her ear. His fingers trailed against her earlobe, the skin of her neck, and she couldn't suppress a shiver.

Desire, the want that was always there but that she tried to keep tapped down, controlled, was surging up, and, oh God, his eyes, so hot, dropped to her lips as he shifted closer, his fingers still resting against her throat. Her fingers spasmed on his leg and she leaned forward, gone too far to stop herself, too far gone to worry if she was ready, too far to care.

She could feel his breath along her cheek, rapid puffs, and then his lips barely skimmed against her skin, close to her ear, as his fingers moved through her hair to curve around the nape of her neck. She lifted her head a fraction and then her lips were barely grazing his, so light, and -

Kate never heard the footsteps, but Castle must have, because he snatched his hands away from her and reared back in his chair, leaving her confused for an instant until she heard the doorknob rattle.

She was only halfway back in her seat, her hand still on Castle's thigh, when the door slammed opened and Ryan skidded in. "Guys! Ferret sighting on the second floor!" He caught sight of them and stopped so abruptly he tripped over his own feet, knocking into the table.

"Oof. Sorry." He pulled himself up, his eyes enormous and darting from her to Castle and back to her again. "Uhhh, am I interrupting something?"

Kate found that she couldn't even speak, she was so stunned, the belated realization breaking over her that she had almost kissed Castle (omgomgomgomg) in the break room, where anyone could have walked in on them. She knew her eyes were like saucers, mirroring Ryan's and basically giving them away. Beside her Castle was uncharacteristically silent. That was so strange that it was confirmation in and of itself.

"Okay then." Ryan started backing towards the door when no one answered him. "I'm going….away." He eased into the hallway, a smile slowly creeping over his face. "I'll just close this door."

The door snicked shut and Ryan was gone, no doubt on his way to initiate the email chain or text message alert system that kept everyone apprised of her and Castle's relationship status for wagering purposes.

Kate felt the heat and the color in her face and knew she was blushing. If ever there was a moment to freak out, this was it. They were lucky that it had been Ryan. It could have been anyone, it could have been Gates, and then every worst case scenario she'd been imagining all day would have come true.

Not to mention that after running her hand up his inner thigh and leaning in so close that her breath had mingled with his, there was absolutely no way that Castle could possibly miss how badly she wanted him. She'd been so close, so tantalizingly close, that even now she could feel the phantom heat of his lips nearly touching hers, and she involuntarily raised her fingers to her mouth.

"Kate."

Castle's voice was strangled and resigned. He was getting ready to apologize, she could tell, and she had to stop him, wouldn't be able to bear to hear it, because although she had every reason to regret what had just happened, every reason to be completely freaking out, the only thing she truly felt right now was frustration that they were in the break room and not his bedroom.

It would kill her if he didn't feel the same way.

"Kate," he tried again, and when she turned to look at him his face was like a punch in the stomach.

She was terrified she was going to see regret, but instead it was fear looking out from his eyes. Fear, and anxiety, and confusion, and underneath it all the faintest hint of hope. "Kate, please, I'm…"

"No." Kate held up a hand to stop him as a revelation crashed over her, so obvious, so glaringly obvious, that she couldn't believe her own stupidity.

Maybe he was just as scared of messing this up as she was. Maybe he, too, was terrified that he had just ruined everything. Maybe they wanted exactly the same thing.

"No, really, Kate…"

"Shhh." Kate still had her hand up to keep him quiet, and he trailed off, sagging with misery and confusion.

Things had reached a breaking point for both of them, but they couldn't do this here.

She forced herself to meet his eyes. "Look, we can't talk about this now."

"Okay." Castle nodded, but she could see that he didn't get it. "We don't have to." His voice was carefully neutral but the hope had faded from his eyes and his shoulders slumped, defeated.

"No, I mean…" God, always with the misunderstandings. Kate took a deep breath, looked right in his eyes, and reminded herself that the only way out was through.

"Castle, will you have dinner with me tonight?"

* * *

><p>Thanks again to everyone who has stayed with this. I really, really appreciate all the wonderful reviews. You guys are awesome.:)<p>

Random Fun Facts:

"Maybe the kidnapper is making you say that." as part of the phone call with Alexis, was the very first line I wrote of this fic, and was originally supposed to be a part of chapter 2.

This was supposed to be no longer than 3 chapters.

Chapter 7 is the third time I have cut the same chapter in half because of length. I am either really bad at judging how long a scene will take, or way, way too wordy. Maybe both.:)


	8. Chapter 8

_Things had reached a breaking point for both of them, but they couldn't do this here._

_She forced herself to meet his eyes. "Look, we can't talk about this now."_

_"Okay." Castle nodded, but she could see that he didn't get it. "We don't have to." His voice was carefully neutral but the hope had faded from his eyes and his shoulders slumped, defeated._

_"No, I mean…" God, always with the misunderstandings. Kate took a deep breath, looked right in his eyes, and reminded herself that the only way out was through._

_"Castle, will you have dinner with me tonight?"_

* * *

><p><strong>1:28 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, break room. This is really happening, right?**

Castle needed to inhale but his lungs were paralyzed in his chest.

Had he heard her right? There was no way he had heard her right.

When he was 14, one night during that first horrible semester at Edgewyck, he was yanked out of sleep by three ineptly disguised seniors and given the choice of either climbing the flag pole or watching his boxer shorts flap in the breeze with the American flag the next morning.

It wasn't personal. He wasn't being singled out for humiliation. Every freshman boy received the same challenge during the first three months. Some couldn't do it. Some didn't give a shit. Castle had retrieved his underwear, but lost his grip three fourths of the way down the flag pole.

He fell eight feet and landed on his back, the air knocked so forcibly out of his lungs that he couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and for a second he was worried he was going to die or be found collapsed on the lawn clutching his underpants. Maybe both.

Castle remembered lying there on the grass, staring at the sky filling with an early dawn. He was gasping like a fish out of water; unsure if the prank was over, if he was in the clear.

He felt just like that now, including the suspicion that he might be the target of a joke. Not that Kate was that cruel. But she might - she had - teased, never knowing how much he stupidly hoped, every single time.

God, he could still smell her hair, feel the soft skin of her neck against the pads of his fingers; was still so aroused - so in love - that he couldn't make any sense. He'd been so sure Kate was going to backpedal, to demand that they never talk about it. Or worse, just leap up with an excuse to get out of his presence and then never mention it again.

Instead she was staring at him, her eyes huge, her face a mix of determination and terror. He couldn't catch up. All day he'd been a step behind her.

Instead of shutting down and running she'd…asked him out?

Castle tried to drag in air and calm his racing heart, because this didn't necessarily mean what he was thinking. He'd been in this moment- this moment on the edge of hope-and been disappointed too many times to recklessly believe now.

It wasn't like they'd never had dinner together. But she'd never asked him to dinner right after nearly kissing him in the break room.

Castle sucked in air, wheezing a little. Oh, God. He'd almost kissed Kate in the break room.

Glancing down he saw her hand resting on the table, the one that had been on the inside of his thigh. It was trembling.

Trembling. She was nervous?

His lungs seized up again as he was hit with the incredibly obvious realization that _Kate had almost kissed him, too._

They had almost kissed _each other_.

Kate was shaking and maybe this wasn't a joke. She wasn't teasing and it might actually be possible that they were finally on the same page.

His eyes flew to hers. Kate swallowed, and he was momentarily mesmerized by the movement of her throat. A minute ago his fingers had been right there against her delicate skin, his lips brushing the curve of her jaw. It was chilly in break room, but he felt overheated, his skin tight and swollen against his bones.

"Castle?" There was a hint of uncertainty in her voice, the slightest quiver. He was suddenly terrified she was going to take it back.

Castle wasn't absolutely sure what was happening, but he was positive he didn't want to screw it up.

* * *

><p><strong>1:28 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, break room. Be brave.**

Castle looked like she'd just punched him the solar plexus, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open. Kate wasn't sure he was breathing.

It wasn't exactly the reaction she was looking for. She wasn't sure if he was stunned, or horrified, or just trying to think of a way to tell her he already had plans tonight.

Her stomach clenched. She had forgotten - about the time his fingers tangled in her hair as he pulled her mouth towards his - about his phone calls, the random texts from some random woman.

"Castle?"

"Sorry! Sorry." Castle cleared his throat, but his voice still came out sounding strangled and about an octave higher than usual. "Of course I'll…I mean, I would love …Where, um, where do you want to go?"

Your bed. Kate felt her heart stop for half a beat and was momentarily terrified she'd said that out loud. She pressed her lips together as her hand fluttered to her mouth.

"Kate?" Now he sounded terrified and unsure. God, they were a mess.

She dropped her hand and tried to smile, to act like this was perfectly normal and she didn't feel like she was hurling herself off a cliff. "Um, it doesn't matter where, really."

"Okay." Castle nodded, and Kate could practically seeing his mind whirling, mentally reviewing every possible choice, getting ready to rev into overdrive to make this the best dinner ever. If she wasn't careful they were going to end up somewhere very fancy, very public and very unsuited to talking. Or making out. Whichever.

"Actually," _Be brave be brave_. Her hand was still trembling as she lightly covered his wrist, and her voice was breathier than she liked, but then she could barely make herself breathe. "Maybe we could just get take-out at my place? I think we need to be able to talk."

Something shifted in Castle's face, and he looked less confused but no less stunned. His other hand came up to cover hers as he leaned across the table, leaned in towards her. His voice wasn't breathless, but rough and deep, licking at the edges of her self-control. "Kate. Why are you shaking?"

* * *

><p><strong>1:32 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, break room. No really, this might actually be happening.**

Kate jerked slightly, obviously holding herself in place by force of will, and Castle could punch himself, his brief elation shaken.

He shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have called attention to her nerves. Now is when she'll stand up, now is when she'll run.

Under his palm Kate's fingers flexed against his wrist, her hand hot, and he could see the color sliding up her neck to her cheeks.

She didn't run.

"I, um…" She pushed her hair back from her face with her free hand, her fingers twisting in the strands. She was just barely holding his eyes. "I guess I'm nervous."

Can your heart _literally_ skip a beat?

Kate was looking at his face, clearly making an effort to maintain eye contact. Her voice didn't shake like her hand, but was lower than usual, like she was trying to keep it controlled. It sent a shock of heat through him; he knew this was what she'd sound like alone with him, her mouth at his ear. This is what she'd sound like naked in the dark, just before he made her lose control completely.

"Why?" Castle realized he was whispering, like he didn't want to spook her.

Now she looked away, her eyes flicking from the table to the ceiling to the door before landing on his face again as she took a shuddering breath. He was holding his own breath. "Because I want to talk about what just happened."

All the blood in his body rushed downward and he wondered for a moment if he was going to simply slip down the chair into a puddle under the table.

Kate was staring at him, all big eyes and, Oh God, _lip biting_, and Castle didn't know how it was possible, but his need for her was even more desperate, more urgent. His mouth went dry and he had to fight to inhale again, because she had just almost kissed him and wanted to talk to him alone _about the almost kissing_ and even he wasn't relationship challenged enough to miss what that meant.

Wait. Holy shit. What did it mean?

His own hands started to shake, and a small but expanding knot of panic formed in his chest, because she wanted to talk about it but she hadn't said in what way. It could be really good, but if it wasn't…

If it wasn't then she was mistaken, and at least he would have privacy when he tried to convince her she was wrong. He wasn't above begging.

No. He tried to mentally reel himself back in. Kate didn't look like she was about to tell him that she didn't have any feelings for him; that he was going to have to stop shadowing her because she had just realized that he had a lot in common with a stalker and the whole thing was getting awkward.

Not that he had ever imagined that conversation or anything. But no, she looked like…like…

He narrowed his eyes, forced down his panic and really looked at her.

Kate was still biting and slowly re-biting her lip in a way that made it difficult to look at anything but her mouth, but Castle made a heroic effort to tear his eyes away and take in the rest of her.

She was holding very still, her brows drawn together, but there was no pity in her eyes, no reservation. There was determination combined with uncertainty, but mostly there was an unnamed something she had been letting him see more and more of recently; something that loosened the knot of panic in his chest and let him breathe.

She looked like…Castle swallowed as his heart did a slow rotation in his chest. She looked like Kate. So achingly beautiful that his hand itched to stroke her cheek; to gently smooth back her hair before he twined his fingers in the heavy, silky strands.

Kate frowned at his silence, wavering a little. "If you want to. Talk, I mean. We don't…"

Castle felt his breath, shallow in his throat, and he blinked. "No! No, I do want to. God, Kate, I….yes."

Her face relaxed a fraction and he was awash in tenderness, yearned to hold her, to place his thumb on her forehead and gently rub away the crinkle between her eyes. To sooth her flustered, frustrated look by pulling her face to his and kissing her with no interruptions, kiss her until no words were needed.

Suddenly he wasn't worried about what she was going to tell him tonight, because he knew exactly what he was going to tell her.

Kate started to smile, the one with her whole mouth and eyes, the one that he'd only seen a handful of times but always, always made him feel like something wonderful was waiting just within reach. Castle felt an answering grin spreading across his face even as the knot in his chest unraveled.

He carefully pulled her hand from his wrist, turned it over until it was clasped in his, tentatively squeezed... "So…until tonight, then? After work?"

She squeezed back. "Until tonight."

* * *

><p><strong>1:40 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, break room. Okay. Okay.**

Okay. She'd done it. They are going to talk and she'd told him the truth and seriously, if this was how hard it was to just throw your feelings out there then no wonder she'd never done it before. Kate thought she might throw up from the adrenaline. And the relief.

It was going to be all right, it really was. Castle was smiling at her and lightly holding her hand, his thumb softly sweeping over her knuckles and sending tingles of warmth up her arm and oh God, how long before this day was over? How long before they could leave?

So now what? Go back to not working? Look for the ferret? Do something, anything to fill the endless hours between now and dinner without accidently dragging Castle into a supply closet?

The tension surrounding them was palpable, somehow even worse than before, the anticipation of the evening ahead making it impossible to think of anything else.

In anticipation of talking, Kate reminded herself. They'd agreed to talk.

Kate glanced at Castle from under her lashes. Yeah, something told her that wasn't exactly how things were going to go.

It was like a switch had been flipped, or some sort of restraining device had been turned off, because all the careful control that she now realized he had been using was gone, and he looked like he wanted to eat her alive.

It was wonderful. Why had she been trying to deny this again? No! Stop. Work. Or pretending to work. Something.

"Well, I guess we'd better…" Kate started to stand, to slip her hand from his, but he stayed seated, gripping her hand tightly in his, holding her with him before he abruptly let go.

"Sorry." He briefly scrubbed at his face before dropping his hands to his lap. His lips were turned up in a self deprecating smile, but there was something in his eyes, like he couldn't quite believe she would come back if he let go.

Kate's breath caught. She had so much making up to do. But not now. Now all she could do was…

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm…" Castle paused, his face a mask of indecision. He spoke slowly, his tone careful, leery. "I don't really know, actually."

"Because of just now?" She can hear herself talking but can't believe it. God, Dr. Burke would be so proud.

"Yeah." He nodded slowly, but looked like he wanted to say something else. And Kate was suddenly overcome with guilt and tenderness, both. He really was as confused as she was.

"And you were already kind of upset? About Alexis and…and…" Kate stuttered, momentarily stuck. _Don't stop. Just ask_. "…and from what happened in lockup?"

"Yeah, about that." Castle leaned forward, talking almost before the last word was out of her mouth, anxious, chagrined. "I'm sorry if I was…" he waved his hand in the air. "You know. Weird."

"Well, this whole day has been kind of weird." This was completely surreal. They were actually talking. Out loud. To each other. About things that actually mattered. Using real words; using them literally, without weird subtext and loaded looks. It made her feel naked.

But that's what she wanted, right? To be naked with Castle?

Oooohh, totally sidetracked. A wave of heat washed over her face and she couldn't look at him for a second.

_Deep breaths. Keep going_. "So, what was wrong?"

Castle sighed and looked away, actual color creeping up his neck. Kate stared, momentarily distracted. Had she ever seen him blush before?

Castle shifted his eyes to hers before dropping them to the table top. He was jiggling his leg up and down, his knee rhythmically hitting the underside of the table. "I don't know." He seemed to struggle for a second. "Except…does that happen often?" He looked up, his knee stilling, his voice rough. "What that guard said?"

"What, Jablonski?" Kate shrugged, perplexed. "Sometimes. He's just messing with me."

Castle still wasn't really looking at her. "No. Yes, Jablonski, but the other guy?"

"The one who almost shot you?"

"Yeah." Castle let out a short laugh. "I'd like to shoot him."

And there it was, that tone from lock-up. Bitter and pissed and nothing like Castle.

"You were really mad." Kate wanted to touch him but her nerves were back. "I've never seen you like that. It wasn't just because he nearly shot you?"

Castle sat back in his chair, finally lifting his eyes to hers. "What? No, that was an accident."

"What then?"

"Seriously, Kate?" Castle ran his hand through his hair, agitated. "You don't mind the way he was talking to you? What he said about… us, and…

"Oh. That." Kate still didn't really get it.

"Yeah, that." He couldn't sit still, was up out of his seat and pacing back and forth. "I mean, at one point he was just standing there _leering _at you."

Kate tried deflecting with humor. "Maybe he's a fan. Maybe he was trying to work up the courage to ask for your autograph."

It didn't work. Castle snorted. "A fan of yours, I think. Asshole. I mean, really, can't we report him for…sexual harassment, or, I don't know…hostile work environment or something?"

"Wait." Kate shook her head. "You hate this guy because you're insulted for me?"

"Hell yes, I'm insulted for you! It's not…you shouldn't…" He broke off, breathing hard.

Kate was stunned. He was insulted for her. He wanted to protect her. Never mind that the guy was a total pipsqueak and that even if he wasn't, she could take care of herself.

She blinked hard against the sudden wetness in her eyes. Kate sometimes forgot how he could blindside her with his sweetness, how completely he could disarm her.

She didn't know why she was so shocked. She knew this about Castle, knew how loyal and protective he was of those he loved. How devoted. It was just that it overwhelmed her to be reminded that she was one of those people.

Kate slowly let out a breath. If only they weren't _here_, if only they were at her apartment. This was why they should have waited to talk about anything, so she could reassure him with kisses instead of words.

"Castle, that guy was a harmless idiot, I promise." He sent her a dark look and she tried not to smile. "You've said things just like that to me a hundred times."

"I know." He was still pacing. "But it's different."

"How?" Kate wanted to laugh.

"Because I'm joking! Mostly. And I don't think of you like that. I mean, I obviously think of you like…but not to just _leer_. I mean, I lov ….

Kate heard herself gasp as Castle abruptly shut up, his eyes wide.

Everything stopped. It was like the very air stood still as they stared at each other; the horrified awareness of what Castle had almost _almost_ said another presence in the room, heavy, crowding them.

_Not yet not yet not yet._

Kate could only stare as she watched Castle take several deep breaths, as he made a visible effort to pull himself together, before anything irrevocable occurred. She could almost see him make the decision to pretend that nothing significant had almost happened.

"I just hate that you have to put with that." Something desolate passed over his face. "I hate that I'm the reason why."

Her heart was still pounding from either relief or disappointment; she wasn't sure which, but something inside her broke a little that he thought like this, like he believed he was a negative factor in her life. "Oh, Castle, no."

He slumped back into his chair. "But it's true." He tried to smile, but couldn't, quite. "You've told me, remember? How hard it is for a woman to be taken seriously here. How every time a new Nikki Heat comes out you get teased for weeks. How-"

"Castle, stop." Kate had no idea he felt this way, no idea he had even listened when she said those things. She leaned toward him. "I'm proud to be a part of Nikki Heat. No one could make me feel badly about that." She paused, her lips quirking. "Although sometimes I do get a little flack for the naked covers."

She lightly kicked his ankle to show she was joking and was rewarded with the hint of a smile and an eyebrow quirk. He sighed. "Well, that's completely unfair. It's not even you naked on the covers." He widened his eyes and added in an exaggerated whisper, "_Unfortunately_." He coughed, his normal tone returning. "I mean that respectfully, of course."

Oh. So close, but Kate knew him well enough to see the lingering unhappiness, the remaining guilt. She couldn't leave it like this.

Kate took a huge breath; braced herself. "The guy in lockup was my fault, Castle. I knew what I was in for after I said that about the bedroom."

Castle twisted in his seat, startled, and when he spoke he sounded genuinely confused. "Then why did you say it?"

Kate shrugged, now unable to look at him. "I don't know. It was funny?" She hesitated, raised her eyes to his, the corners of her lips tugging up. "It _was_ pretty funny. And maybe…maybe I wanted…"

Castle abruptly leaned over the table, close enough to make her catch her breath. The chagrin and bitterness were gone. Instead he looked like he had that moment in lockup, when she was sure that had they been alone they would have been on each other in a second. And here they were. Alone.

"Kate," He seemed to be forcing the words out of his throat. "We need to wait, I don't…I don't think I can talk about this here."

"Okay." She nodded, swallowed hard. "Okay."

But she couldn't stop herself from reaching out her hand, her fingers just brushing the backs of his, when there was a voice at the door.

"Yeah, bro, coffee sounds great! I'll head to the break room - grab us some!" Esposito was obviously standing right outside. He might have been yelling directly in the door crack. "I'm going in the break room right now!"

Kate pulled her hand out of Castle's and leaned back in her chair, the look on his face making her flush so hard she could almost feel the heat coming off her own skin.

The door slowly creaked open and Esposito stuck his head in, his eyes half closed.

Castle shot his eyes to Kate and then back to Esposito, frowning. "What are you doing, man?"

"Trying not to be scarred for life. Between the ferret and you two." He closed his eyes and shook his head in disgust.

Castle glanced at her, obviously worried. "Hey, I don't know what Ryan said, but nothing…"

"Yeah, whatever. I can only deal with one insane situation at time, and right now Ryan takes precedence. Besides, we're used to you two."

"Wait, what…?"

Esposito huffed, "Later. Right now someone has to convince Ryan to take down that stupid ferret board. People are starting to talk. Kapowski put a picture on Twitter."

Kate snarfed the sip of coffee she'd just taken. "She didn't."

Castle shook his head. "That was a mistake. We could have reached a lot more people with my Twitter account." He pursed his lips. "I guess I could go retweet her."

Esposito turned on his death stare. "I hope you're kidding, bro."

"Relax, Espo." Kate sent a side glance to Castle, unable to help her small smile. "He's kidding."

"You're kidding?"

"I might be kidding." He was speaking to Esposito, but his eyes were on her, the heat of a moment ago replaced with tenderness. His foot nudged hers under the table and her stomach flipped, their eyes suddenly locked together.

This had already been the longest day of all time. It felt like she'd been here for months. She wasn't going to make it another four hours.

"Okay." Esposito coughed loudly. "I'm leaving now. I need you two out here ten minutes ago." His face disappeared right before the door flew opened so hard it bounced off the wall. They both jumped.

Esposito was standing there, arms crossed. "I'm leaving this door opened."

Kate glanced at Castle just as he turned to her. They shared what she was pretty confident was their first simultaneous eye roll.

"Okay, dad."

"Seriously. I'm not this strict with Alexis."

Kate sent him the side eye while Esposito narrowed his eyes.

Castle spread his hands in acknowledgment. "Mainly because she won't stand for it, but still."

Esposito dropped his arms and slowly started towards the bullpen. "Just hurry up, before we all get reassigned to animal control."

Kate couldn't help the little snort of laughter that escaped as she turned back to Castle, but it abruptly caught in her throat when she saw his smile, so happy, so opened. She felt the briefest moment of regret when she realized how little it took to make him happy, to give him hope; that she could have done this ages ago. She felt the familiar guilt creeping up but she ruthlessly forced it back.

Later. Tonight they would talk about it. In the meantime-

Kate slowly reached across the table and put her hand in his; swept her thumb across the sensitive inside of his palm, as he had done to her earlier. She inhaled and looked in his eyes, her heart threatening to turn over in her chest. "Are we okay?"

The smile dropped from Castle's face, but his eyes…there was something in their depths that made her heart stutter and her mouth go dry. Made her yearn not just for tonight but for forever. His hand gripped hers, almost too tightly, stilling her thumb, his heat soaking into her skin.

"Kate. We are always okay."

* * *

><p>I am so sorry for the even longer than usual delay between updates, and appreciate everyone who is still reading this. About two chapters to go – I promise it will not be abandoned.:)<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

**1:53 pm, 12****th**** precinct, break room, a brief review.**

_Later. Tonight they would talk about it. In the meantime-_

_Kate slowly reached across the table and put her hand in his; swept her thumb across the sensitive inside of his palm, as he had done to her earlier. She inhaled and looked in his eyes, her heart threatening to turn over in her chest. "Are we okay?"_

_The smile dropped from Castle's face, but his eyes…there was something in their depths that made her heart stutter and her mouth go dry. Made her yearn not just for tonight but for forever. His hand gripped hers, almost too tightly, stilling her thumb, his heat soaking into her skin._

"_Kate. We are always okay."_

* * *

><p><strong>1:55 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen. Hands to yourself.**

Castle kept an unnatural distance between them as he followed Kate out of the break room. It probably made him more obvious, but whatever. She had to be physically out of his reach or he was going to touch her again; would be unable to stop himself from brushing against her, running his hand over her hip. Spinning her around so that she collided with his chest, her mouth inches from his-

Dammit.

It wasn't even like it was sexual. That was completely untrue. It was totally sexual. He wanted her so badly that he felt like every second of yearning throughout the last four years had coalesced into this moment right here, and he didn't see how he was going to make it another four hours.

And even thinking that he was going to be able to touch her the way he wanted to in four hours was probably taking optimism to the point of delusion, since all they had agreed to was having a meal and talking, but oh, God.

Maybe he should stop looking at her. Maybe he should have stayed in the break room. He should just sit in there until the end of the day or until he spontaneously combusted, whichever came first.

But it wasn't _just_ desire.

No. It was that they were teetering on the edge of something. They were almost there and he wanted to tether her to him, keep her close. Have a point of connection, so that they were together when they went over the edge. He couldn't bear it if he lost her in the fall.

* * *

><p><strong>1:55 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen. Working. Absolutely concentrating on working.**

When Kate stepped out of the break room she felt raw, naked, like anyone looking at her would know. Like Castle had left his finger prints all over her.

She slowly approached the white board – the ferret covered white board – with Castle following her by an unnecessary fifteen feet that was going to fool no one. The hazing hadn't started only because Ryan and Esposito hadn't noticed them yet.

Esposito stood with his back half turned to the board, still trying not to look at it directly, shaking his head in disgust.

Ryan was pacing back and forth, his gestures a little too exaggerated, his voice a bit too loud, his hair way too crazy. He'd taken another turn for the worse.

"I'll take it down when I find him, and I'd find him faster if I had some more help. _Like from my partner_."

Esposito pointed at Ryan, his face still averted. "No one can help you if you get fired, which is happening as soon as Gates sees this."

"Well, if I can't find the ferret I'm probably getting divorced. So, you know, priorities."

"You're exaggerating. That's completely ridiculous."

"Says the guy who can't even look at a ferret picture!"

"That doesn't even make sense, bro."

Ryan shoved both hands into his hair and continued pacing. Kate could already see the sweat on his face.

Esposito sighed. "Seriously, you have got to take that board down. You know there's a picture online?"

"Kapowski's Twitter. Like anyone reads that."

"I follow her."

"And that brings her up to, what? Seventeen followers? I think I'm safe."

"It might already be too late. Gates has the internet, you know."

"Pssht" Ryan flapped his hand in the air.

"I'm serious. I give it thirty minutes before there's some sort of ferret white board GIF floating around."

"_That's_ ridiculous."

"Have you been on Tumblr recently?"

"No."

"Well, I mean, me either, but…" Esposito trailed off when he caught sight of her, a huge, obnoxious grin slowly splitting his face.

Ryan turned. Immediately his shoulders dropped and his hands came out of his hair. His eyes lost some of their crazy. He even smiled, even if it did look a little manic.

Kate slowed, trying to delay the inevitable. Wasn't it just _awesome_ that no amount of anger at Esposito had enabled Ryan to keep what he had seen to himself? Some information obviously transcended all conflicts, ferret or otherwise.

Sure enough, as she and Castle got closer Kate could see their faces festooned with twin expressions of delight, proving once again that nothing united them like mockery. Of her.

"Well, well ,well. Wasn't expecting to see you two for a while." Esposito raised his eyebrows.

Castle huffed. "Why? You told us you needed us ten minutes ago."

Kate flinched in surprise. Castle sounded disgruntled. He sounded disgruntled about a foot from her ear. So much for distance. She fought the urge to turn around, to get even closer. "You sort of tried to threaten us."

Esposito squinted. "I wasn't trying to threaten you. You'll know when I'm threatening you."

Kate put her hand on her hip, her arm hitting Castle's stomach. He was so close. They were going to have to separate. She couldn't make it through the rest of the day like this. "You told us we couldn't close the door."

Esposito snorted. "Cause you didn't need to close that door."

Castle was so quiet. Kate knew, _knew_, that he was imagining what might have happened if the door had remained closed. Or maybe that was just her.

"Yeah. No reason to close that door." Esposito reiterated when they said nothing,

"Next time just hypnotize them into leaving the door opened." Ryan suggested, and Kate was almost grateful, because at it gave her gave her something to think about other than being behind a closed door with Castle.

But thoughts of hypnotism lead to the ferret/panties incident from lockup, calling up the look on Castle's face right after her bedroom joke, like he was going to explode if her didn't touch her -

She was going to die. That was all.

Esposito held out his bunched fingers for Ryan to feed the birds. "Nice one, man."

"Really? That's what you're going with?" Castle's voice was full of derision and sex. It was possible that only she noticed that second part.

"What do you mean?" Ryan was all innocence. "I'm just trying to remind myself why I'm not supposed to be mad that you lost my ferret even though you literally tripped over him." By the end of the sentence Ryan sounded slightly less innocent and little more loud and crazy.

"We didn't _lose _your ferret. We found him. We just, um, failed to detain him." Castle was so close Kate could swear she could feel his voice rumbling in his chest. Or maybe that was just every single one of her nerve endings vibrating.

"What good is that?" Ryan's hands were back in his hair.

Esposito nudged Ryan. "Remember, you need to be understanding. They were hypnotized."

Kate couldn't stay silent for that. "I was not hypnotized. I was trying to stop a freaking underwear uprising and the ferret was the least of my concerns."

Esposito and Ryan turned to Castle.

"And what's your excuse, man?"

Castle glared at them while Ryan barked, "hypnotized!" into his fist while pretending to cough.

Castle sighed. "Look, everyone was hypnotized, okay? It's not like I could help it."

"Beckett wasn't."

"Well, no, not…I mean, obviously. Not with her control issues. She doesn't count."

"What's that supposed to mean?" It's not like it wasn't true, but it kind of stung. Kate briefly wondered if Lena, Betina- whoever- let him drive.

She started to turn around to glare, but then Kate felt his hand against her lower back, soft and light, barely there. It was nothing, hardly a touch, but it was something they never, ever did. She suppressed a gasp, and then his breath was on her neck, his voice low against her ear for only her to hear, "You know I'm teasing."

Then he stepped away, leaving her shaky, and overwhelmingly aware that they had entered entirely new territory.

He cleared his throat and continued at a regular volume, but his fingers feathered against the sensitive skin of her waist and then were gone. Her breath felt stuck in her throat. What was he doing?

"I just meant that you are clearly too strong willed to succumb to hypnotism. Or any other kind of Jedi mind trick. You're probably able to throw off the Imperious Curse, too."

Kate barely suppressed a shiver. How did he do that? In one breath go from nearly insulting her to sounding so, so...admiring. Proud. It took everything in her not to jump as she felt his fingers against the back of her hand.

Ryan's eyes were bouncing between them while he obviously fought to contain a smile. Even Esposito looked, if not pleased, at least not totally disgusted.

Castle kept talking, "But everyone else – out. Hypnotized. It was crazy. This girl was like a banshee. Without panties." It was like he was pretending that his thumb wasn't slowly sweeping up and down the back of her forearm, like it was some sort of accident. She had to fight to control her breathing.

Esposito snorted. "Whatever, man. I would have held out. I don't get hypnotized."

Ryan crossed his arms. "Me neither."

Castle's thumb momentarily paused, and there was a brief, awkward silence as all three of them stared at Ryan. He dropped his arms, his face incredulous. "Oh, come on!"

"No, I'm telling you, everyone – except Beckett" he lightly squeezed her elbow, his fingers hot. "– was completely under. I don't know how they're going to keep her from doing it again."

"Solitary confinement?" Espostio offered.

Kate shook her head, trying to ignore Castle's hand and join the conversation. "No, she'll just start as soon as someone opens the door. It, um," She swallowed, her mouth dry. "It happened crazy fast."

Castle snapped his fingers with the hand that wasn't slipping down her arm. "Hannibal Lecture mask."

"Yeah, we don't really keep those lying around the precinct."

"Really? That's disappointing." Castle frowned, thought. "How about an ordinary muzzle?"

"Canine unit isn't housed here, bro."

"Horse bridle?"

Kate didn't even bother responding to that one, just pressed her lips together and tried not to laugh. When she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye he was waggling his eyebrows at her.

It was surreal. From the outside, to anyone else, this probably looked like a normal conversation. Castle was going through the motions, offering up crazy ideas, bantering, waggling his eyebrows. But instead of teasing his eyes were burning, something in them, way in the back, almost frantic with longing.

She quickly looked away, because they were still at work and five o'clock was so far away, and oh god, she _loved_ him.

But Castle saw, he must have, because he stepped almost imperceptivity closer. His hand curled around her palm, his fingers stroking against the seams of hers. She couldn't look at him. All he was doing was holding her hand, but it felt so forbidden, so erotic-

Kate could feel her face flushing. She had to move away before – what? Before she accidentally threw herself against him, just to feel him. To ease – just for a second – the exquisite awful ache of wanting him.

Her heart was beating too fast. Ryan and Esposito had fallen silent because, honestly, what do you say when it looks like your co-workers are about to start making out? She had to stop this now.

Instead, like a reflex, her fingers wrapped around his.

She felt a shudder ripple through Castle, could have sworn she could feel his heartbeat (or was it hers?), before he abruptly straightened up and stepped back, his hand releasing hers and dropping to his side.

Kate made herself take a slow breath. He was right. This was work, and she had to stop thinking like this.

He was right, but Kate immediately missed the warmth, the sensation, the_ connection_, and just - they had a problem.

* * *

><p><strong>2:01 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bull pen. What the hell is he thinking?**

Castle fisted his hands to keep from reaching for her again. They were in the middle of the bullpen, and he was so turned on from stroking her freaking palm that he thought he might explode. This was exactly the kind of behavior that would get her harassed, behavior that would get him kicked out, exactly what he told himself he wasn't going to do. He had managed to keep a reasonable amount of space between them for maybe thirty seconds. What was he thinking?

He was thinking five o'clock was eons away. That's what he was thinking.

It was almost like he was standing outside himself, watching the whole ridiculous scene with Ryan and Esposito and the ferret board unfold, watching himself play his part, while inside he was a whirling storm of emotions that pulled him inexorably to Kate.

Esposito cleared his throat, trying to break through the awkward silence. "C'mon. It couldn't have been that bad."

Castle blinked. What were they talking about? Concentrate. Ferret. Hypnotized. Panties.

"Man, you weren't there. It was total chaos." Castle did his best to sound outraged, and not like he was wondering if Ryan and Esposito would notice if he slipped his hand up the back of Kate's shirt, touched the warmth of her back, right in the hollow. If she would jerk away, or if she would turn to him, her eyes like they were in the break room, liquid warmth. An invitation.

Espostio snorted. "Yeah, you were totally in the shit. I don't know how you're even able to talk about it. All those panties flying everywhere must have been totally traumatic."

"Do you need to go home?" Ryan added, clearly unable to hold back any longer. "Maybe lie down in the break room? I heard something about you two needing to go to bed."

Oh, man. His gut clenched as he was hit with a shock of anger. He really hated this. Which was crazy, because just this morning he would have found it hilarious. He would have said it himself.

Castle took another step back, increasing his distance from Kate, lowering his temptation…not at all, really, but at least it would look better.

He tightened his fists and gritted his teeth, trying to keep his face blank, trying to remember that Ryan and Esposito meant nothing by it; that they were their friends, would literally take a bullet for Kate.

Kate, who had adopted her sweetest expression and turned to Ryan who, no idiot, suddenly looked terrified.

"Do you think it's time to call Jenny about her ferret? She's probably one her way to pick him up. You don't want her to come all this way in the storm for nothing. " Kate smiled, angelic evil. "If you're nervous I'll do it."

* * *

><p><strong>2:05 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen, a new level of bizarre**

"No! " Ryan's desperation immediately cancelled out his mockery, but increased his sweat. "No, I've already called her and told her I don't want her coming here in the storm. I'll bring the ferret tonight."

"So you lied." Esposito shook his head.

"It's not a lie! I don't want her traveling in the storm."

"I meant the part about bringing the ferret home with you tonight. _Since you don't have it_."

"That was really mean, man."

"Yeah, uncalled for." Castle gestured towards Ryan. "He's already upset enough. Look at his sweat."

"You're right. I shouldn't be mad at Ryan. You two are the ones who let the ferret escape. If you guys had kept it together we'd be rodent-free by now."

"Ferrets aren't rodents."

Kate jumped at the voice to her left, knocking into Castle, who automatically grabbed her elbow to steady her (breathe). Kapowski was standing there, her gaze wide and fixed on the ferret board. She looked totally spooked.

"I'm sorry?" Kate tried not react as Castle's hand slid down her arm in a caress as he let go.

"Ferrets." Kapowski swallowed, still staring at the board. "Everyone thinks they're rodents, but they're not. They're carnivorous. They eat rodents."

Esposito gasped. "I knew it!" He jabbed a finger in the air for emphasis. "I knew they weren't to be trusted."

"They're not rodents? Really?" Castle sounded fascinated. Of course he did. "What are they?"

Kapowski cleared her throat, her eyes sliding from Castle back to the ferret board. "Mustelids. Like weasels and minks. Wolverines. Honey badgers.

"Heh. Honey badgers." Castle stepped back as Kapowski whirled around, abruptly and inexplicably outraged.

"I _hate _honey badgers." She wasn't blinking.

"Okay. Um, sorry?" Castle moved beside Kate, his face confused. "But…have you seen that video? It's pretty funny."

"That video is disgusting." Kapowski stared into the distance, zoned out. She was absolutely giving Kate the creeps. "Violent."

"Wait, wait, wait." Esposito had some crazy eyes himself. "Wolverines? Ferrets are from the same family as wolverines?" He turned to Ryan, accusatory. "You said it wasn't dangerous!"

Castle moved away from Kate to put his hand on Esposito's shoulder. Kate forced herself to stay put, not to close the distance. "It's still just a ferret, man. It's not turning into Hugh Jackman or anything."

Esposito acted like he hadn't heard him. "And otters?"

Ryan held out his hands, exasperated. "What could possibly be wrong with otters?"

Esposito scrunched his face. "They just look sneaky."

"They eat beavers." Kapowski added.

Castle choked on nothing.

"I don't…I don't even know what to say to that." His eyes were wide and he was biting his lips, and Kate could tell that he was struggling super hard not to throw out "that's what she said."

Ryan shook his head as if to clear it of the crazy and turned to Kapowski, hopeful. "You know about ferrets? Can you help us find him?"

"Oh." Kapowski's eyes flared wide before she dropped her gaze to the floor. "I don't think so." She shook her head and started backing away slowly. "I, um….no."

"Please," Ryan was almost teary. "I don't know what else to do. He could be anywhere."

She was still shaking her head. "Sorry, no, I can't. I just…I can't." She shuddered, was turning away when Castle gasped.

"You can't be!" He pointed at her, his face disbelieving and gleeful at the same time. "You are! You're scared of ferrets too!"

Kate jerked around to stare at Kapowski, who was frozen and staring at the floor, like a kid caught being naughty. She was so astounded that it was even possible that she worked with two (two!) otherwise reasonable adults who harbored a paralyzing fear of ferrets (ferrets!) that she forgot her urge to move closer to Castle. For a second, anyway.

"Are you kidding me? You are police officers! How can both of you be so irrational?"

"It's not irrational!" Kapowski looked a little sick. "Their little bodies are like snakes. Furry snakes."

"That's what I said!" Esposito looked thrilled to have someone share his psychosis. What was that saying? Insanity loves company?

"If you hate them so much, why do you know so much about them?" Ryan was almost whining with disappointment.

"Because," Kapowski swallowed, her eyes never leaving the floor. "My sister had a ferret. Once."

"So, what, did it bite you or something?" Kate could hear her impatience, but honestly.

"She had a ferret but I wanted a hamster. We shouldn't…we shouldn't have…"

"Oh no." Kate suddenly knew where this was going.

"We didn't know, we thought they were both rodents. We thought it would be fun for them to play together. So we let them both out of their cages and…and…" Kapowski's mouth was working but no sound was coming out.

Castle's mouth dropped opened. "The ferret ATE your hamster?"

Esposito looked like he'd been punched in the stomach. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Kapowski was still staring at the floor, lost in her memories. Her terrible ferret memories. "No, no. But it was close. The ferret just clamped down, he wouldn't let go, you know? I had to hold his creepy little body while my sister pried his jaws opened."

"The horror." Esposito whispered.

"Was, um," Kate was terribly afraid she was going to start laughing and that was going to be really inappropriate. "Was your hamster okay?"

"He lived, but he was never the same." Kapowski looked up, her eyes filling with tears. "He could never really play in his little ball again. He kept tipping over – he couldn't balance with only three legs, and…"

"Oh, no WAY!" Ryan shouted.

"Dear God." Esposito, horrified.

"The ferret ate his LEG!" Kate _was_ going to laugh.

"This is the best story I've ever heard." Castle, delighted.

"So you see why I can't help you." Kapowski shook her head. "It's just too painful to remember what happened to Stumpy."

"You called your hamster Stumpy?" Castle almost wheezed, he was trying so hard not to laugh. "That just seems unnecessary."

Kapowski glared at him. "He was already named Stumpy before the accident."

"Well, that was just really unlucky." Castle scrunched his face. "Or maybe really lucky?" He raised his eyebrows. "A self-fulfilling prophecy?" He got a good look at Kapowski's face. "Still too soon?" Kapowski was giving him a death glare. "Always too soon?"

"It's not funny, bro." Esposito looked nauseous.

Kate clamped her hand over her mouth to keep in the giggles.

Castle shot her a sideways look before he turned back to Esposito. "I'll tell you what. We'll get the cat burglar girl up here and she can hypnotize you two out of your fear of ferrets."

Kate couldn't keep it in anymore. The laughter just burst out. Kapowski was shooting daggers at her and Esposito looked totally betrayed, but she couldn't help it. Predator ferrets and honey badgers and hamsters with three legs and it was all too much.

"Nice." Esposito was disgusted. "Thanks a lot, Beckett. You too, Castle."

She could barely breathe. Kate was laughing so hard she had to lean against her desk and grab Castle's arm to remain upright. Castle, who somehow was once again close enough to touch. When had he…

Castle wrapped his arm lightly around her, his hand barely resting on the curve of hip, and Kate stopped laughing as her stomach flipped and her breath caught and everything rushed back.

She looked up, his face right there. He was smiling, but his eyes…frustration. Longing.

Heat swept over her followed by an almost unbearable frustration as she realized that this was what they were waiting for. They weren't at her apartment, her bed (talking! Talking first!), alone, because they had to stay here and deal with ferret phobias.

Castle leaned in, and somehow, somehow, her hand was against his chest, curling around the lapel of his jacket, pulling him closer. His lips were almost touching her ear. "I need to talk to you. Now."

* * *

><p>AN - Thank you sooo much to Rhyolight04, who let me know that ferrets aren't rodents (!) Did everyone else know this? I had no idea. All ferret related information is courtesy of her hilarious and informative email.:)

Still two more chapters to go! I know I've said that, like, three times, but this time I think I'm serious!

I just got a fanfic related Twitter account: muppet_47 Please help me reach my goal of 17 followers.:)

As always, thank you so much for reading and for leaving reviews. It makes my day.:)


	10. Chapter 10

_She could barely breathe. Kate was laughing so hard she had to lean against her desk and grab Castle's arm to remain upright. Castle, who somehow was once again close enough to touch. When had he…_

_Castle wrapped his arm lightly around her, his hand barely resting on the curve of her hip, and Kate stopped laughing as her stomach flipped and her breath caught and everything rushed back._

_She looked up, his face right there. He was smiling, but his eyes…frustration. Longing._

_Heat swept over her followed by an almost unbearable frustration as she realized that this was what they were waiting for. They weren't at her apartment, her bed (talking! Talking first!), alone, because they had to stay here and deal with ferret phobias._

_Castle leaned in, and somehow, somehow, her hand was against his chest, curling around the lapel of his jacket, pulling him closer. His lips were almost touching her ear. "I need to talk to you. Now."_

* * *

><p><strong>2:10 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, under the stairs. Under the stairs?**

"Hey." Castle was staring down at her, his eyes impossibly hot. He was only half a foot away, but somehow was not touching her. Instead he was gripping the stair behind him so hard his knuckles were turning white.

"Um. Hey?" Kate was so confused and turned on she could barely concentrate. She had no idea what was going on. After nearly embracing her by the desks while she accidentally (accidentally!) wrapped his shirt in her fist, Castle had grabbed her by the elbow and hustled her under the stairs.

Under the stairs. That wasn't conspicuous at all. Luckily, Karpowski and Esposito were deeply involved in discussing various ferret phobia coping strategies – something about calming mantras and inhaling the scent of cedar chips - and hadn't seemed to notice them leave. That only left Ryan to stare after them with a look both knowing and delighted.

Ryan was still staring. Castle glanced over his shoulder, shifted a little as if to block her from view, still without touching her. Kate pressed her hands against the bricks behind her to hold herself in place, to keep them off him. Oh. This was bad, this obsessive, burning need to have him touch her, right now, always.

Castle swallowed, seemed to lean towards her just a touch, and Kate had the wild thought that he had brought her here to make out, like teenagers under the bleachers. The idea was way more appealing than it should be.

He took a breath so deep she could see his chest expand, his body almost brushing hers, his eyes still burning, a little wild.

"Kate. I can't do this."

* * *

><p><strong>2:12pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, please be more obvious under the stairs**

Castle was gripping the stair behind him so hard he could feel the hard edge cutting into his palm, just to stop himself from reaching out for her.

He was losing his mind. He had held himself in so tightly for months and months, carefully backing away, hiding the want from her, from himself. All undone in an instant.

That moment in the break room had completely destroyed his defenses, his control, and he was unraveling. He couldn't pull it back, couldn't keep the love and desire off his face. Couldn't keep his hands to himself.

Her eyes were fixed on his face, her expression startled, confused, like she was sure she had misheard him.

"Castle, what?"

Kate was whispering, anxious. Her pupils were so dilated the green was almost gone, and she was trying to hold his gaze, but her eyes kept darting to his lips. Everything in him tightened and holy shit. Did she even know that she did that? What she was doing to him?

She frowned and stepped forward. "Are you okay?" And then she put her hand over his on the step. It was such a wash of sensation, of stimulation, that he nearly forgot where he was, nearly…but no. He couldn't. This was why he had to-

Castle swallowed, spoke through gritted teeth. "Kate, I'm sorry …but you're going to have to stop touching me."

* * *

><p><strong>2:15pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, under the stairs. No. No, no, no.**

Kate stepped back from him so fast she almost stumbled, and he reflexively reached for her elbow to check her fall. She yanked her arm back, her eyes wide. Shiny. "What?"

Oh no. No, no. He wasn't doing this right. He reached for her hand. "No, I just mean that _I_ can't touch _you_…" Not better. _Not better! _ "I…I just can't be around you." Shit.

Kate snatched her hand back like he was on fire. Something behind her eyes slammed shut as she jerked away.

His stomach twisted at the look on her face. Oh no, that wasn't-

"I…um…okay." Her eyes were unblinking, staring somewhere around his shoulder. She wrapped one arm protectively around her waist, and oh god, he has done this one hundred percent wrong.

"Are you, um…" She still isn't looking at him. "Are you going home?"

Castle gripped the step tighter to keep from stepping into her space and palming her face, her expression making him panicky. "No, Kate, that isn't what I mea-"

"Are we…will I still see you tonight?" Her voice caught at the end and he felt sick. He had no idea how he managed to mess up so badly in less than ninety seconds, but he had to fix it.

"Kate." He ducked his head to catch her eye and immediately felt like he'd been socked in the gut. Her eyes were wide, unblinking, to hold back the tears caught on her lashes.

Something in him broke and he surged forward. He closed the distance between them, suddenly uncaring about who could be watching and what they might see. Now he could feel her breath on his neck - hot, a little fast. His hand was gentle on her arm but he was almost vibrating with the effort not to crush her to him, to do whatever was necessary to get that look off her face.

Castle leaned in so close that his lips grazed the shell of her ear, sending sensation skidding through him, stuttering along his nerves.

"I can't be near you because I want you so badly it hurts."

* * *

><p><strong>2:19 pm., 12<strong>**th**** precinct, under the stairs. **_**What….what?**_

The blood rushed from her head so fast Kate swayed on her feet. Tingling shock washed over her, hard, before she had completely comprehended his words. "What?"

Was this what it felt like to be stunned, hit by lightening? Kate felt stupid and slow, her brain shocked into a nonresponsive state, because _Castle just said $%WgsR%&du65re6romgomgomgomg_

Castle, who had pulled back and was staring at her, his eyes huge, unblinking, as shocked as she, "What, what?"

Okay. Okay. His breath was against her cheek and she was going to try to calm down, pull in air.

She had completely freaked out for a second. _Again_. Freaked out by her own insecurities - by the stupid fear that had snagged her when he said he couldn't be near her. But then he'd said…that he….

Heat was crashing over her in waves. Her skin was actually tingling, aching, and maybe he was right. They shouldn't be around each other here, because now she couldn't even look at him. Couldn't they just leave? Maybe they could just leave.

The shocked tears crowding against her eyes pushed through, two dropping down her cheeks, forced out because there was simply too much inside her to keep it all in. She froze; hoped Castle wouldn't notice.

Of course he noticed.

Castle sucked in a breath, his hands reaching up and away before he could touch her, his voice rough. "Kate. No, god. I'm so sorry. I won't say it, I'll take it back." He paused, his hands brushing her hips, her waist, before jerking back, whispering, "But…I...don't think I can take it back. I can't say I don't mean it, but please, I won't say it again."

"No, it's not…" Kate swiped at her cheeks, trying to find the words to tell him that she wasn't upset; she just couldn't contain it - the lust, the love, and if she could have picked the worst place in the world to have this conversation, under the precinct stairs in full sight of the bullpen would have made the top five.

He looked desperate, terrified. Overwhelmed by her reaction to him, _to them_ and this was exactly_, exactly_ what she was afraid of, that he wouldn't even know this woman who felt so much for him she couldn't control it. She would scare them both.

She tried to smile but her mouth felt brittle and wrong.

"No. I'm fine. You just... but you're right, of course you are, we need to talk before-" She could hear herself babbling, tried to slow down. "Are you..._are_ you going home?"

Kate hated how her stomach dropped at the thought of him leaving. So stupid. She could go three hours without seeing him. It would be easier.

It would not be easier. They were almost there. What if he left and got hit by a car, caught in a robbery, just changed his mind? And she was never able to tell him… Oh wow. She blinked back more tears of _she didn't even know what_ because this was too much. She felt too much.

Castle was staring at her, his expression odd. "I was thinking of just sitting in the break room. Maybe Ryan's desk. Unless you want me to…"

"No! No." Kate felt her chest muscles relax, was able to breathe. "We'll just give each other some space. Here." My God, were they really having a cryptic conversation about how to keep from making out at work? Was this real?

Castle's hand brushed her arm before he took a step back, his eyes on hers. "Okay." He nodded, his mouth quirking up. "We'll have space here." He paused before he turned away to step into the bull pen. "We're okay?"

Kate could feel her shoulders dropping, the anxiety subsiding, even as desire flared up white hot, everything in her reaching, hoping. She nodded, echoing his words from earlier. "We're always okay."

* * *

><p><strong>3:02 pm., 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen, Ryan's desk**

"Uno!" Castle tossed his card on the desk and leaned back in his chair, his hands behind his head. "How many is that now? Three? Five?"

Ryan glared, at the end of his patience. "It's two. And will you stop with the Uno? It's Crazy Eights."

Castle dropped his arms and shrugged. "Same difference."

Kate frowned and threw her cards down. They were all at the end of their patience. They still didn't have a case. No one wanted to brave the blizzard, so whatever they'd eaten for lunch had come from the vending machine or the scary recesses of the break room fridge. The ferret was still missing, and she could barely look at Castle without feeling like she was going to burst into flames.

Castle, who was the worst winner ever. It should have been completely off putting, but somehow she was still totally turned on, proving that an excess of lust could actually make you crazy. Kate sighed, irritated by absolutely everything. "Can you at least quiet down? People are trying to work."

Castle glanced around. "Who?"

He had a point. A quick survey of the bullpen revealed two other card games and group clustered around Avery's computer watching the Christmas episode of Downton Abbey.

"No one." Kate admitted, capitulating so quickly that Castle's eyes snapped to her face. His eyebrows drew together, his mockery shifting in an instant to concern at whatever he saw there. He made a move to reach for her, but checked himself, throwing her a glance of such hopeless frustration that she almost leapt across the desk right then, no doubt shocking him and scarring Ryan for life.

They were saved by Esposito stepping off the elevator.

"I have it!" Esposito walked up brandishing a syringe. "Tranquilizers!"

Ryan squinted at him from his desk, "Dude, where did you get that?"

"Talked to the guys in the Mounted Unit. They hooked me up."

Kate did a double take. "You have horse tranquilizers?"

Castle frowned. "Why do you have…" he gasped. "You have horse tranquilizers for the ferret!"

"What!" Ryan reared back, horrified, "You're trying to kill it! You're trying to kill a ferret that belongs to little kids!" He slammed his pen down and twisted in his chair to glare at Esposito. "Why do you hate kids, man?"

Esposito stopped still and blinked, taken aback by Ryan's vehemence. "I don't hate kids! It's just a little bit of tranquilizer. The guys said it's safe to use on cats. It will just put him back to sleep."

"You are not using that."

"You heard Karpowski! Ferrets are viscous! There's no telling what it might do!"

"You've gone crazy. I seriously think you need some help. This ferret issue has gone too far."

"Reality show." Castle sing-songed under his breath. "Feeeerrets in a baaaall pit."

Kate resolutely kept her eyes on Ryan and Esposito, sucking her lips against her teeth to keep from smiling.

"I was trying to help."

"Help him die."

"Fine. If you want to get your leg bitten off. Disability won't cover that shit if it's your ferret, I don't care if it does happen at work."

Ryan rolled his eyes and stood up. "I'm getting some coffee.

He headed for the break room without looking back. Esposito followed muttering dire predictions about workers comp and a lifetime as a desk jockey with a fake leg.

Leaving her alone with Castle.

They'd managed to avoid being alone for a whopping thirty minutes.

"So," Castle fiddled with his cards, not quite looking at her, his whole manner hesitant, tentative, a complete one-eighty from a minute ago. "You, um." He cleared his throat, picked up the cards. "You want to play?"

"Do I want to play?" Kate knew he was talking about cards, but the picture in her mind was very, very different, and yes, _yes_, she wanted to play and she had to move away from him right now.

Castle glanced up at her question, his face… It was an act, she realized, the card game, bragging about winning, all an act to get through the afternoon. He was just as bothered and miserable as she was.

Kate could feel her face flushing, her gaze caught in his, arousal sliding through her in slow undulating waves.

She jumped up. "I'm going…um…my desk. Phone. Time." She'd lost the ability to make actual sense. Awesome.

"Good idea. It has to be almost five." Castle sounded a little desperate. She heard his chair scrape back and then he was standing beside her and why, why, why? This was not space, not when her traitorous body wanted to fold into him, breathe him in. Lick his neck. Oh dear lord, please let it be almost five.

She glanced at the phone.

"Dammit. It's only three..." Kate stopped as Castle suddenly dropped to the floor and half crawled under her desk. She tried not to gasp as he brushed against her legs. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for my paperclip chain."

"Your paperclip chain?"

"It was right here on your desk, and now it's gone. I can't find it anywhere." Castle popped his head out and looked up at her, his mouth inches from her thigh. He briefly closed his eyes. "Hey, will you check the other drawers?" His voice was strained. Tight. "Maybe I put in one of yours by mistake."

Kate was about to reflexively retort that they were all her drawers, when she realized that the one on the top next to his chair was full of his stuff: the paperclip chain, his stress ball, that grape flavored gum that made her think of children's medicine. There was also a notebook, a flash drive that she pretended she didn't know he used to steal case files, and a tie, in case he needed to go somewhere fancy from the precinct.

It was his. He had a drawer in her desk. They really were work married.

"Kate?" Castle's voice pulled her out of the oddly pleasing revelation. She passed a hand over eyes and turned to find his gaze on her, so full of absolutely everything that she couldn't do it anymore.

The drawer - the stupid drawer - had put her over the edge and she wasn't going to be able to stop herself. She was going to drop into her chair beside him, wrap her fingers around his jaw. Pull him closer, until his mouth was on hers, warm and soft …

And his phone rang, snapping her out of it, making her jump. She slumped against the desk, her hand trembling against her mouth. That was close. Two hours left. Two.

Castle sat back on his heels and checked the number. "Oh. I've got to take this." He jumped to his feet, suddenly towering over her. He hesitated. "You're all right?"

Kate nodded mutely, willing him to move away, just for a minute. Just so she could regain her equilibrium.

"Okay." He stepped away from her desk. "Check the drawers?" He called over his shoulder as he walked away, and then,

"Hey!" He sounded excited. "Thanks for calling me back so fast." He paused, smiling. "It's great to hear from you, too." Kate sat up, her attention caught. Suddenly uneasy.

Castle half-glanced back at her as he walked toward the stairs. He dropped his voice, but since Kate was listening so hard she was all but cupping her ears, she was still able to hear him.

"So, are we on for tomorrow night?"

It was like she'd been punched in the stomach, her abdominals contracting, _hard_, as the air was forcibly squeezed from her lungs.

Kate stared after him, paperclip chain forgotten, trying not to gasp for air. It was ridiculous. Totally ridiculous, but she couldn't ignore the nagging fear, the hollow ache unfurling inside of her. She'd been trying all day to tell herself it was nothing - the phone calls, this woman.

It didn't sound like nothing anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>3:18 pm, 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen. Breathe.**

Kate couldn't move. Castle was still on the phone, his back to her, and the whole thing had her reeling so hard she wondered if she was going to be able to keep her coffee down.

The rational, adult side of her mind tried to remind her that she was over-reacting again. That phone call could be anything, even if it had sounded exactly like plans for a date.

The insecure part, the part that had always wondered if Castle could ever find one person enough, could ever find _her _to be enough, was suddenly, horrifically certain she was right. That she and Castle were nothing more than bad timing and mixed signals; that they had never been playing the same game at all. Had she imagined everything?

No. Kate took a steadying breath. She hadn't. She wasn't going to do this. She was going to wait right here, and as soon as he got off the phone she was just going to ask, point blank, who was on the phone and why.

Or should she wait until tonight? Maybe she should wait until tonight, when they had time. So if it was a date she could tell him that she didn't want him to go. No more waiting. No more games.

And then the screaming started.

* * *

><p><strong>3:19 pm 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen, break room, crazytown.**

It was coming from the break room, high pitched and shrill. Over it, Ryan's voice, frantic.

"Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him! Ouch! Dammit!"

Kate ran, making to the break room door just in time to see Ryan reeling back, clawing at his face. Something flew through the air, right before he tripped and flew backwards, knocking over the full coffee pot on his way down. His head barely missed the counter.

There was the crash of shattering glass while coffee splattered into the air. Esposito abruptly quit screaming and stood stock still, his hands covering his mouth, his eyes huge, so in shock that he didn't even react when he was hit with most of the coffee.

Castle slid up, breathless, slamming her into the doorframe, his arm wrapping around her waist to catch them both.

"Oof." His breath puffed against her neck. "Whoops." He tried to pull his arm away but got his thumb tangled in her belt loop, his fingers accidentally dipping under her waistband, against her skin, and holy shit, breathe.

"Sorry!"Castle was breathing hard against her back, and for half a second it felt like his hand splayed against her stomach before he yanked his fingers free, nearly tripping to Ryan's side.

Kate followed, her hand on her chest. Can you actually have a heart attack from a triple wallop of arousal and adrenaline and possible heartbreak? Maybe.

Castle crouched down and helped Ryan sit up as Kate gently grabbed Esposito's shoulder. "What happened?"

He jumped and whirled around, his eyes still impossibly large. Haunted.

"Beckett, it was…" Esposito's mouth was opened but he couldn't get the words out, his throat working convulsively, one hand waving around over his head. "It just flew through the air," he managed, "Like a kamikaze attack."

"What flew through the air?"

"The ferret. He was in the cabinet." Kate turned to Ryan, who was sitting up on the floor holding his sleeve to his face. "Castle, can you grab me a napkin?"

"The ferret jumped out of the cabinet?"

"_He was lying in wait_." Esposito whispered.

"Don't be stupid. He was trying to hide. We scared him." Ryan dropped his arm to grab the napkin, and all three of them gasped.

Castle actually staggered back on his heels, losing his balance and falling against the table leg. "Oh my god, man. What the hell happened to your face?"

Ryan's face was covered - covered - in short pink welts, each oozing tiny droplets of blood. He looked like he'd lost a fight with…well, a ferret. Beside her Esposito started to breath hard.

It was an attack ferret. Kate raised her hand to her mouth, to contain her laughter or her horror, she wasn't sure which. "Oh. Oh, no way. Did it claw you?"

"No, that's where he got… um," Esposito had to stop and compose himself. He was going to hyperventilate in a second. "That's where he got whipped by the paperclips."

"The paperclips?" She and Castle asked in tandem. It was to Castle's credit that he refrained from calling "jinx".

"Yeah, the ferret, he…," Esposito gestured towards his face with shaking hands, "he had a whole chain of them, like, clenched in his teeth."

"Oh." Castle's face brightened. "So that's what happened to my paperclip chain."

Kate, Ryan and Esposito turned as one to stare at him.

"What? That's one mystery solved."

"Dude, it's not funny." Esposito's voice became even more horrified. "He used those paperclips like a nunchuck. Like it was intentional. Like it was _personal_."

He really did need some therapy. Kate patted his arm, wondering if he was going to need to breathe into a paper bag. "Esposito, that ferret couldn't possibly..."

"I know what I saw!"

"Whoa." Castle flinched back again, his hands flying to his ears. Kate tried to discreetly wipe the flecks of spit from her cheek.

"Calm down, man." Ryan was dabbing at his face. It was covered in blood, but was amazingly sweat free. Aside from his mangled face he looked the sanest he had all day. The ferret sighting had obviously cheered him up. Given him hope. "He was only swinging at me because we agitated him. It's not his fault."

"Not his fault?" Esposito's face flushed a dark red. He looked like he was about to have a stroke. "Listen to yourself! It's like you're a victim of abuse! Don't defend your abuser!"

Ryan raised his eyebrows. "I think maybe you need to listen to _your_self."

"What is the meaning of this?"

They all froze. Gates. Dammit. Kate closed her eyes.

"Mr. Castle, why are you on the floor? Why is Detective Esposito covered in coffee?" She blanched. "Why does Detective Ryan look like he lost a fight with a squirrel?"

"Now, squirrels _are_ rodents." This last was from Karpowski, who, along with most of homicide, was clustered outside the break room door shamelessly eavesdropping. Downton Abbey must be over.

Gates twisted to stare at Karpowski, her eyebrows around her hairline. "I am aware of that, Detective Karpowski. Is there a reason you felt compelled to remind me of a squirrel's scientific classification?"

Karpowski darted her eyes from Ryan to Gates while Kate held her breath. Castle and Ryan seemed paralyzed; Esposito tried not to wheeze.

"No sir, no reason." Karpowski sounded liked her usual, unflappable self again. She might be terrified of ferrets, but she was no sell-out. "Just useful information. You should learn something new every day, you know."

"Thank you for sharing." Gates' gaze was unblinking and unnerving, like a shark. "Please get back to work before I forget I work in homicide and not an elementary school."

Everyone around the door scattered, probably to clean up their card games and pretend to do paperwork. Gates turned back to the break room, one eyebrow still raised. "Well?"

Silence, as they all waited for Castle to come up with something. Ridiculous explanations were his forte', and in this case the ridiculous was built right in. Kate shot him a glance, only to find that he was staring, wide-eyed, confused. Like even he couldn't believe he wasn't in the middle of some elaborate story.

Kate felt her heart sink. If Castle couldn't think up an explanation they were in serious trouble. Gates was still staring at them, that damn eyebrow hiked up, a hint of triumph in her eyes.

Was she messing with them? Did she already know? If she did, that was it. Ryan was on traffic duty forever, and she and Esposito were going to get some sort of accessory to the ferret disciplinary action. Maybe they would even get sent home for the day without pay.

Kate sucked in a breath. _Maybe they would get sent home_. That would be the best silver lining _ever_. She and Castle could leave right now. They could be alone. The heavy, anxious knot in her stomach could be gone if she could just talk to him, ask about the phone call. Her place was closer, so…

Esposito cleared his throat, "Uh, sir? It's my fault. I forgot to add water when I made coffee. The pot overheated and exploded when Detective Ryan picked it up." His voice squeaked and he coughed. "We're lucky he didn't put an eye out."

Gates narrowed her eyes, focusing on Esposito's pants. "Then why are you covered in coffee?"

Esposito's mouth opened and closed soundlessly, his eyes rolling to Kate, who stared back blankly. She had nothing.

"And that was my fault." Oh, thank God. Castle was entering the fray. "Detective Ryan was, uh, startled when the pot exploded –"

"He screamed like a little girl." Esposito cut in, still sort of breathless, but trying to help.

Ryan threw him a dirty look from behind his bloody napkin. Esposito shrugged helplessly as Castle raised his voice, pressing onward, "And that startled _me_ into dropping my coffee, which then splattered all over Detective Esposito here."

"Uh huh." Gates flicked her eyes from Ryan to Esposito to Castle, suspicious. "I see. And where is your coffee cup?"

"The trash." Castle lied without missing a beat. "I thought it best to start cleaning up immediately. Wouldn't want anyone else to slip and get hurt."

"How thoughtful." Gate's eyes were narrowing and Kate could see she didn't believe a single word. "How very lucky we are to have you among us, Mr. Castle." She also didn't have anything on them. Yet. "Very well. Finish cleaning up and get back to work."

They collectively held their breath until Gates was in her office, slumping in relief at the sound of her door closing.

"That was close." Castle looked stressed. "We have got to find that ferret before he attacks someone else, because we all know who is getting blamed for this."

Kate rubbed her temple. Something else to worry about. "Yeah. Gates knows something's up. Did you see her face? She's on the warpath now."

"Yeah, well, so is the ferret." Esposito cleared his throat, didn't quite look at Ryan. "I'll help you look for him, if you want."

Ryan struggled to his feet, one hand still clutching the bloody napkin to his face. He staggered over to Esposito; put his hand on his shoulder. "Thanks, man. That means a lot. And thanks for stepping in, saving my ass with Gates." His voice was brimming with emotion.

"Of course, bro." Esposito choked out, "I'm sorry I didn't help you before. Partners."

"No, man, I'm sorry. I know how you feel about ferrets. I should have told Jenny I couldn't do it." Ryan sounded like he might cry.

Castle stood up and edged closer to Kate. "Are they okay?"

Kate smiled. Her boys were ridiculous, but also adorable. "I think they are."

Castle sent her a sidelong look, his lips twitching. He raised his voice. "Do you guys need privacy? We can leave."

"Yeah," Kate added, "do you two need to go lie down in the break room?"

Ryan and Esposito ignored them as they shared a manly hug, complete with backslaps. Kate heaved an internal sigh of relief. At least that was one relationship salvaged today.

* * *

><p><strong>3:29 pm. 12<strong>**th**** precinct, break room. Just do it.**

Kate sat at the table drinking what felt like her twentieth cup of cup today. Esposito and Ryan were in the bullpen planning their next move. They were currently rearranging the ferret board to get a fresh perspective. Castle was making himself a cappuccino, busying himself with the all elements of the cappuccino ritual that Kate could never quite master.

She was pretty sure she had decided to wait until tonight to ask Castle about his phone call, but all at once she was talking, all of the tension and anxiety causing her to blurt out exactly the wrong thing.

"So, big plans tomorrow tonight?" Kate wanted to take it back the moment the words left her mouth. She had a pit in her stomach and had never wanted any information less, but at that same time at least it was out there. She was going to go crazy if she didn't find out what was going on.

Castle looked up from the cappuccino machine and paused, his eyes startled for a moment before he smiled at her, hesitant. Or was it reluctantly? "Maybe." She couldn't read him. At this moment he was indecipherable, as he'd been for so much of today. "Um. Yeah. I hope so."

Kate somehow managed to keep her face blank as everything inside her just collapsed, because holy shit, she hadn't really, deep-down believed she was right.

Castle was still smiling at her, smiling like he hadn't just snapped her heart in two. And, apparently, turned her into a melodramatic drama queen, but god, it hurt.

Okay. But. She didn't know anything, nothing for sure; she needed to clarify before she freaked out. She swallowed the lump in her throat. She just needed a minute to get it together. A minute alone.

Kate took a deep breath and willed her voice not to shake. "Oh, well. Cool. Have fun." That was all she got out before she had to stand up and head for the door. So stupid. It was not all right. But she couldn't cry. She was not going to run. She wasn't. The damn fucking tears were pressing against back of her eyes, but she just had to make to the elevator…

But something in her voice or face must not have been as controlled as she thought, or maybe he could just read her that well, because she had only just made it into the hallway when he was behind her, grabbing her by the upper arm, turning her around.

"Hey, what's wrong? You don't…" he trailed off when he saw her face, and Kate realized, humiliated, that she hadn't managed to hold back all the tears.

She started to say something, anything, to put him off so she could escape, buy herself a few minutes. But her throat closed up around a knot of misery and she couldn't do anything except stand there, futilely swiping at her cheeks, while Castle's face morphed from confusion to baffled concern. Abruptly he pulled her forward, opened the first door he came to and pushed her through. He shut the door behind him, plunging them into darkness.

* * *

><p>One more chapter to go! We'll see if I can finish before the season finale! (sheesh)<p>

Thanks again, so, so much, to everyone who has stayed with this and said lovely things on Tumblr and Twitter, and to everyone who reviews. You guys are awesome.:)


	11. Chapter 11

I know I emphatically said this would be the final chapter, but it is not (Surprise! Except not really at all!).

This went long, so I cut it in half for easier reading. And to sooth my self-diagnosed OCD , which was freaking out because this was going to end up with an odd number of chapters.

The final chapter is complete but for bits and pieces, and will be up Sunday night, whether I like it or not.:)

* * *

><p>Chapter 11<p>

* * *

><p><em>Kate took a deep breath and willed her voice not to shake. "Oh, well. Cool. Have fun." That was all she got out before she had to stand up and head for the door. So stupid. It was not all right. But she couldn't cry. She was not going to run. She wasn't. The damn fucking tears were pressing against back of her eyes, but she just had to make to the elevator…<em>

_But something in her voice or face must not have been as controlled as she thought, or maybe Castle could just read her that well, because she had only just made it into the hallway when he was behind her, grabbing her by the upper arm, turning her around._

_"Hey, what's wrong? You don't…" he trailed off when he saw her face, and Kate realized, humiliated, that she hadn't managed to hold back all the tears._

_She started to say something, anything, to put him off so she could escape, buy herself a few minutes. But her throat closed up around a knot of misery and she couldn't do anything except stand there, futilely swiping at her cheeks, while Castle's face morphed from confusion to baffled concern. Abruptly he pulled her forward, opened the first door he came to and pushed her through. He shut the door behind him, plunging them into darkness._

* * *

><p><strong>3:31 pm. 12<strong>**th**** precinct, supply closet. Literally and figuratively in the dark.**

Castle was pressed against her in the tiny supply closet, her back against the shelves, the only light seeping in from under the door. The dark and her tears - the hateful, stupid tears – made everything blurry, indistinct. Uncertain.

"Kate?"

In the dark his voice was low and intimate, edged with a quietly frantic concern, and she wished he would shut up, step back, because his concern would break her like nothing else. She'd figure out a way to be fine it only he'd stop asking her if she was.

"What's wrong?" His hand was still wrapped around her upper arm, but then the other was against her face, the pad of his thumb gently sweeping across her cheekbone, collecting the tears as they fell.

Kate squeezed her eyes shut, immobilized by his tenderness and physical proximity, a voice inside her fighting desperately to be heard saying that she should step into him, wrap her hand around his neck. Just _ask_ him, tell him what was wrong.

But the words were trapped, fear making her mute. She needed a minute, because she couldn't lose it in front of him. She just needed a few moments alone to prepare herself for the worst.

"Please, you have to tell me, I can't…" Castle broke off with almost a guttural sound as all at once she was hauled against him, his arm tight around her waist, his other hand cradling her head, his voice in her ear, hot and close. "I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what you want me to do. You have to tell me."

He sounded so lost, so confused, so exactly like she felt every second that Kate could feel herself breaking. She was gritting her teeth against it, because she couldn't do it like this. She wouldn't do that to Castle; melt all over him into puddle of messy emotions.

But being held so close, the sheer unfamiliar relief of it, was suddenly too much. This day, the tension of being with him but not… and tonight was so far away. She'd been waiting so long that the extra hours seemed unbearable, insurmountable.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, trying not to sob out loud. Her hands crept around his neck, holding him close. She felt his arms spasm around her, pulling her in tighter, surrounding her in warmth.

Kate didn't know if she was apologizing for crying all over him or…or for all of it. Maybe for being an idiot all these months - years - too long. She just knew that she was sorry.

Castle's breathing was rough and irregular. He was holding her so close she could feel his heartbeat, and one hand was stroking her hair, her shoulder, her hip, like he didn't know what to do, how to help.

This wasn't fair to either of them, this uncertainty, this confusion. With her own unspoken rules and unspoken truths she had tied Castle's hands, so this was up to her.

Time to pull it together. She didn't have a minute. She had right now, and his had gone far enough.

Kate took a huge breath and raised her hand to his face. Her voice only shook a little.

"I don't want you to date anyone else."

* * *

><p><strong>3:37 pm. 12<strong>**th**** precinct, supply closet. Holy, holy shit.**

He was actually holding Kate, her body against his, her hand on his face, and it was impossible to think. His fingers were still wet with her tears, and he wasn't sure how but it was his fault. And now she said-?

She doesn't want him to -?

"What?" Castle was so startled he laughed. Only one quick exhalation of disbelief, but it was enough.

Kate dropped her hand and pulled away. Anxiety pitted in his gut, and he tried to loosen his grip, give her a little space_, don't run don't run_ but he hit the opposite shelves in half a step. God, this was a small closet – sideways they both could barely fit in the aisle. His hand was still at her waist.

"That's funny?" She was trying for a neutral tone but he could hear the tears still clogging her voice. He dipped his head, trying to see her eyes.

Apprehension squeezed his chest and he tightened his fingers on her hip, because he couldn't lose their connection now. Alarm bells were ringing and he sent up a prayer to whatever or whoever was up there to please, please let him say the right thing.

"No! No, Kate." How was he supposed to say the right thing when he had no idea what she was talking about? He thought…the break room…tonight. "Why would I be dating anyone else?" He was parroting her words back at her because they made no sense. He couldn't get a handle on why she would even -

"I don't know." She shrugged. "Because I'm closed off. Afraid, like you said." Kate swayed into him, slowly wrapping her hand around his bicep. He could smell her hair; feel the soft curve of her waist. He tried to breathe quietly and listen because this was important, but she was right there, overwhelming his senses, and this would be perfect if she weren't crying and they weren't in a closet and _what the hell was going on?_

Kate looked down, her words rushed, unsure. "Because I haven't let you know how I really feel, and maybe you're tired of waiting. And I don't blame you." Her voice hitched. "I'm difficult, I have a thousand issues, and maybe you don't even want –"

"What?" He couldn't even keep up with what she was saying, it made so little sense. "No, not why would I date someone else, why would _you think_ I was dating someone else?"

But then her words caught up with him. His chest seized up, and he almost bent over with the shock, his face in her hair, because, oh god, she was trying to answer him. Kate was giving him reasons why he should date someone else, someone who wasn't her, and something in him broke a little.

This was what she thought? That she wasn't worth it to him? That he was going to get tired of waiting?

"Stop." Castle wanted to shake her, kiss her, anything to make her stop talking. His heart slid into his stomach and behind his eyes was the unmistakable sting of tears.

"No." Kate looked up, suddenly fierce, her hands gripping his arms, holding them both steady. "I need to tell you. I'm sorry. I haven't been fair to you…"

The stinging got worse. "Kate."

She swallowed, shook her head. "…but I'm trying, I'm honestly trying, and I know you have to be exhausted, but please. Please don't give up on me now."

Oh, Kate. All the air whooshed out of his lungs as a tangle of words rose up to choke him, all struggling to get out at once, none of them making it, none of them quite right. So he answered her the only way he could, with his mouth on hers.

* * *

><p><strong>3:41 pm. 12<strong>**th**** precinct, supply closet. !**

The shock of Castle's mouth on hers wiped her mind and stole her words. Her thoughts scattered as his lips slowly brushed back and forth; not quite a kiss, not yet. His arms untangled, releasing her, but then his hands were on her face and he was moving into her, surrounding her, and Kate knew that it was only his body against hers that kept her from shaking, kept her from flying apart.

She had really done it. She had used real words to tell him real feelings now her blood was pounding in her ears and she was almost vibrating with the tension because _what were they doing_? Or maybe it was because he had just tugged her hips to his and slid his lips across her jaw. Hard to tell.

"Why would you think that?" He sounded so honestly baffled that Kate was confused. Confused, and in danger of her legs collapsing. His hand rubbed against the sensitive point at the base of her spine and she gasped, accidentally arching into him.

Oh, god. Concentrate. The phone calls, she needed to know... but she was in a surreal haze that surrounded her like a dream. It had her questioning the reality of anything and everything except his body, _his mouth_, on hers, here in the dark.

His palms were hot on her cheeks, his fingers against her neck and behind her ears, sending little frissons of desire along her nerves. His breath was rough and fast across her mouth and she needed to trace his lower lip with her tongue, pull it between her teeth, _she had to_, except …she needed…

"Those phone calls. You got a text message…" Castle leaned in and Kate stuttered to stop as she felt his lips on her throat, feather light. Her breath was coming fast; it was making her light headed, unable to think, but she had to - "…a message about something for tomorrow night. It was from a woman…"

Castle pulled back. "Betina?" Her eyes had adjusted enough that she could just see his, dazed, unfocused. He shook his head, even as he slipped one hand to nape of her neck and threaded his fingers in her hair, sending shivers across her skin. "She's a contortionist. Used to work with that cat burglar I know, from that case a few years ago."

"Oh. And, um…" She swallowed as her stomach dropped. Oh, god. What were they doing? Not making out. _Was this making out? _They weren't even kissing, _why weren't they kissing?_ But his mouth was hovering over her pulse point and he is all around her and she is on fire from the inside out. "…you're meeting her tomorrow night?"

"No. No!" Castle straightened up, his body abruptly thrumming with a different kind of tension. "Oh, god. Is that what you thought?" His mouth was no longer on her neck, her lips, but there was nowhere for him to go and Kate was glad. Glad she was still surrounded by everything that was him. It clouded her mind, but it also made her brave.

"Well, yeah." She was thankful for the dark. It made this easier. "You said you'd see her…and, I mean, obviously you can see whoever you want, but…" she took a shaky breath, "but if we're going to talk about what happened_, what's been happening_ then I guess-" another breath. "I guess my feelings are hurt." Her heart was lodged somewhere around her vocal cords, beating so hard it was almost choking her. She forced out the rest. "I guess I'm jealous."

"No, no." Castle gripped her upper arms and seemed to shift into hyper-focus; Kate could almost feel his spiking anxiety. Then words were pouring out of him, and she could barely keep up between her aroused senses and trying to hold onto the tenuous threads of her self control.

"I don't have a date with Betina. I don't have a date with anyone." His voice is low and panicked and sexy. "She's part of a circus acrobat show - I remembered it was in town after we saw the cat burglars. It's really hard to get tickets, so I called her. After that crazy case I thought it would be fun."

A circus show? Relief and chagrin crashed into her so hard she almost sagged against him. "So you were getting tickets for you and Alexis?" Could there possibly be a more innocent explanation? All the blood drained from her head from the sheer shock of relief. She almost swayed as, just like that, the horrible fear that had been with her all day evaporated, leaving behind nothing but desire. Desire and an almost frantic love. And oh, god, this meant…"Castle?"

But Castle didn't seem to hear her. He had frozen, his hands still in a death grip on her arms. Even in the dark she could see the dumbfounded delight on his face, his eyes lit up like his birthday had come early and he had gotten the present he wanted most of all.

"Wait. You're _jealous_?"

* * *

><p><strong>3:48 pm. 12<strong>**th**** precinct, supply closet. Omg, had his birthday come early?**

"Yes. I was." And then Kate is surging into him, her hands slipping across his chest, around his neck. She exhaled in what sounded like relief and something else, something promising, her breath ghosting across his cheek, and he wanted to talk about this, he did, but he had never been more turned on in his life.

Turned on, and maybe a little hurt because she really thought_, she really thought_ that he was going home with her tonight and out with another woman tomorrow?

"But why a secret?" Kate was panting in his ear, one hand in his hair, the other sweeping across his abdominals, everything in him contracting, and he couldn't think, couldn't stop to decide if it was a good idea before he answered-

"Because it wasn't for Alexis." He might have been gritting his teeth a little, his hand creeping under her shirt, upward, his thumbs stroking her ribs. "Did I work this case with Alexis? For you." Almost involuntarily he tightened his hold, her hips colliding with his, their legs tangling. "For us."

"For us?" Her voice, breathy, surprised, wrapped around him in the dark. Her fingers traced the shell of his ear, and he was stretched about as far as he could go. "Why not just ask me?"

"On an actual date? You would have run." Oh shit. His filter had gone south along with all the blood in his body.

"I would not…I…" She faltered, leaned back a fraction.

"You would." _Shut up._ What was he doing?

He reached out to pull her back but she knocked his hand out of the way.

"No." Kate grabbed his jaw in one hand and forced him to look at her, her eyes glittering in the dark. "I wouldn't. I won't. Not now." And then her mouth was on his, open and hot and wet, her tongue and her teeth and he was so shocked that his body was reacting before his mind registered what was happening.

He was kissing Kate.

_Kissing her._

Kissing her in the closet in the precinct in the middle of the afternoon…_wait, wait,_ he pulled away, tried to make his lungs work. "Do you think we should…?"

"No. Stop thinking." Her mouth was back, the hot slide of her lips across his jaw, his throat. She was unbuttoning his shirt, the feel of her hands on him making his eyes cross.

"You're right." He kissed her _he kissed her_ his hands slipping to her back, his fingers tracing the long line of her spine, and she arched into him with a noise deep in her throat that was going to make him crazy. She needed to do it again. "No more thinking. We're making this too hard."

"Something's hard." Kate slowly and deliberately rocked her hips into his, her hand curving around the nape of his neck, her _tongue_ ….and he couldn't believe his heart hadn't exploded from his chest. He was going to die.

"Why, Katherine Beckett." He was making a valiant attempt at sardonic, but was falling way short. It was hard to pull off over the sound of his own panting. "That's so _naughty_. I'm definitely a bad influence on you."

"Not a bad influence." He could barely hear her but he could feel the words against his mouth, her lips on his; so close he couldn't tell his heartbeat from hers. "The best."

And everything in him combusted. Four years slammed into him, demolishing what was left of his control, and he was pressing her into the shelves, lifting her up so he could reach her mouth, her weight resting on his leg between hers. He couldn't stop, couldn't make sense, and the last coherent thought he had was that this might be the most erotic, most perfect, _happiest_ thing that had ever happened to him, jammed in a closet, surrounded by cleaning supplies, kissing Kate Beckett in the dark.

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><p>Thanks always to everyone for reading and reviewing.<p>

The final chapter will be up Sunday night.

I'm so excited for Monday I can barely function.:)


	12. Chapter 12

Final Chapter :)

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><p><em>Chapter 12<em>

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><p><em>He was kissing Kate.<em>

_Kissing her._

_Kissing her in the closet in the precinct in the middle of the afternoon…wait, wait, he pulled away, tried to make his lungs work. "Do you think we should…?"_

_"No. Stop thinking." Her mouth was back, the hot slide of her lips across his jaw, his throat. She was unbuttoning his shirt, the feel of her hands on him making his eyes cross._

_"You're right." He kissed her he kissed her his hands slipping to her back, his fingers tracing the long line of her spine, and she arched into him with a noise deep in her throat that was going to make him crazy. She needed to do it again. "No more thinking. We're making this too hard."_

_"Something's hard." Kate slowly and deliberately rocked her hips into his, her hand curving around the nape of his neck, her tongue ….and he couldn't believe his heart hadn't exploded from his chest. He was going to die._

_"Why, Katherine Beckett." He was making a valiant attempt at sardonic, but was falling way short. It was hard to pull off over the sound of his own panting. "That's so naughty. I'm definitely a bad influence on you."_

_"Not a bad influence." He could barely hear her but he could feel the words against his mouth, her lips on his; so close he couldn't tell his heartbeat from hers. "The best."_

_And everything in him combusted. Four years slammed into him, demolishing what was left of his control, and he was pressing her into the shelves, lifting her up so he could reach her mouth, her weight resting on his leg between hers. He couldn't stop, couldn't make sense, and the last coherent thought he had was that this might be the most erotic, most perfect, happiest thing that had ever happened to him, jammed in a closet, surrounded by cleaning supplies, kissing Kate Beckett in the dark._

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><p><strong>3:54 pm., 12<strong>**th**** precinct, supply closet. Making out.**

This.

This was…

This was _perfect._

Except that didn't even cover it. There were no words.

Her mouth was on his, she was twined around him in the dark, and it was hard to believe she wasn't dying or dreaming because it felt like this was everything she had ever, ever wanted and she couldn't believe she'd waited this long.

Castle's hands were everywhere, fast, desperate, his hips rocking into hers and it felt so good they had to stop, _had to stop_ or they wouldn't be able to, but somehow her hands were on the button of his pants and –

"Oof." Castle flinched back like he'd been hit, his mouth slipping from hers. "Ouch! Something just-"

"What? What?" She doesn't even sound like herself, breathy and distracted and …holy shit, what the-

Kate jumped about a foot as something furry brushed past her ankle, but no. No. It's not. She's not even going to think it. No.

"Oh my god! Something just jumped out and scratched me!" Castle was backed up against the shelves, rumpled and delicious, his shirt unbuttoned. He pulled up his shirttail, exposing most of his torso, and almost involuntarily she reached for him. "Am I bleeding? I think it was the – "

"Don't say it!" Kate ran her hand across his stomach, his abdominals clenching under her touch. "No. You're not bleeding." She tucked herself back into him, sliding along his warm, smooth skin… "Don't…I just need to…" she didn't want to talk yet. Stupid ferret.

Immediately his hand was on her thigh, his mouth against her throat, his scratch forgotten. "Do you think it's still in here?" Castle didn't sound like he really cared. He was wrapping himself around her, his body tight, urgent, and again he was all she could feel, all she could think of.

"I don't care." Her words were all but unintelligible as she kissed him, "I don't care, I don't care." Because she couldn't stop now - it was too much to ask - five minutes was nowhere near long enough to take the edge off four years except…

High pitched screaming erupted from the bullpen, perfectly on cue. It startled them apart, and they stood there breathing hard and staring at each other with wide, unfocused eyes.

Castle cleared his throat. "Well. I guess we know it's not in here anymore."

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><p><strong>4:02 pm. 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen. No longer even surprised.**

Karpowski was the screamer. Obviously.

She was standing on her desk, staring at the ceiling, her mouth opened in a shrill, continuous scream. If she didn't take a breath soon she was going to pass out. Everyone in the bullpen had come to a complete stop, frozen, turned toward Karpowski and her hysterics. Except…

Out of the corner of her eye Kate could see someone tearing through the bullpen. It was Ryan, running as fast as she'd ever seen him, straight for Karpowski's desk.

Straight towards the ferret, who was curled up on her foot, completely calm, as if it were napping.

Everything seemed to happen at once. Karpowski snapped out of her immobilized hysterics and moved into frantic, frenetic hysterics, jumping up and down on her desk in what Kate could only guess was an effort to dislodge the ferret, which seemed to be wrapped around her ankle. She was still screaming, but now in short static bursts-like a fire alarm-that punctuated each jump.

Ryan flew past them and reached the desk, immediately falling to the floor, arms flailing comically in the air like Kermit the Frog's, knocked down by Karpowski's now wildly swinging foot. She was trying to kick off the ferret.

"Wow. Look at it hold on." Kate turned to Castle, who, no surprised, sounded thrilled, just in time to see his smile drop and his eyes widen. "Oh no." Kate whirled back around to see Karpowski teetering on the edge, her foot swinging over the side, just as she reared her leg back to smash the ferret against the side of her desk.

"She's going to fall." Kate muttered, starting forward.

"She's going to hurt the ferret!" Castle darted after her.

But before they could reach her, Ryan popped back up from behind the desk, face sweaty, hair askew, eyes acrazy.

"Noooooooo!" He dove across the desk grabbing her ankle – and the ferret – knocking Karpowski off balance. She toppled over, landing on her desk – still screaming - barely missing her monitor.

Ryan yanked the ferret off her foot and cradled it in his arms… for maybe two seconds, before it utterly and completely freaked out. It was chirping, _angry chirping_, its teeth flashing, its little claws flying as it used Ryan's arms as a ramp to run up and wrap itself around his neck. Kate was just grateful that it seemed to have lost the paperclip chain somewhere along the way.

Kate started towards Ryan, to at least pull the ferret off his neck – how tight could they squeeze? – but she hadn't taken two steps before there was a ruckus behind her. It was Esposito, appearing from nowhere, his arm raised, his mouth opened in a battle cry as he charged across the room.

"I've got your back, bro!" Kate had seen Esposito face down a bullet without sounding this enraged. "Partners!"

He skidded to a stop in front of Ryan. He only hesitated for a second before heroically overcoming his fear and proving his loyalty by going straight for the ferret. Which immediately proved inadvisable because…

"It bit me!" Esposito's voice had reached dizzying heights of hysteria. "The little fucker bit me!"

Kate made a mental note to give Esposito Dr. Burke's number.

Ryan's response was muffled by Karpowski's screams and all the ferret fur in his mouth, but Esposito must have understood him. "I'm not leaving you! I'll get him!"

That's when Kate saw the light glinting of the syringe in Esposito's hand. She grabbed Castle's arm. "Shit."

"Oh, this is a bad ..." Castle lunged towards him just as Esposito stabbed the syringe in the direction of the ferret, who, from its position and Ryan's sudden screams seemed to have sunk its teeth into Ryan's earlobe.

There was a scuffle – arms and legs and fur everywhere. Kate couldn't really see, but from Ryan's sudden calisthenics it seemed like the ferret had taken refuge down his shirt.

Esposito turned around triumphantly, the empty syringe held high. "I got him!"

That's when the ferret shot out the neck of Ryan's shirt and landed on Esposito's head. Like a hat. A ferret fez.

There was about half a beat of total horrified silence. Even Karpowski shut up. Then Esposito opened his mouth. Nothing came out. His silent scream hung in the air for a second that went on forever and then…

He and Karpowski both let loose. It was like a stereo effect of complete and total crazy.

Things kind of went downhill from there.

Esposito started running in circles – still screaming - exactly like a person on fire.

Castle must have thought so too, since he started yelling, "Stop, drop and roll, Espo! Drop and roll!"

"That's _fire_, Castle" Kate hollered, but she shouldn't have bothered. No one could hear her, the insanity was too loud.

Castle certainly didn't. "I need a blanket!"

Ryan grabbed Karpowski sweater and threw it as hard as he could across the bullpen. Castle leapt to catch it and would have, if it hadn't been intercepted by Gate's head as she stepped into the bullpen.

Kate clamped her hand over her mouth. She wanted to close her eyes but couldn't look away from the biggest train wreck she had ever personally experienced.

No. Seriously. This couldn't be real. Kate couldn't be standing in the bullpen unable to hear anything over ferret-induced hysterics, while her partner tried to help with fire safety tips and her captain stood there with a sweater wrapped around her head.

Castle didn't hesitate. He tore the sweater off Gates and tackled Esposito, ripping the ferret from his hair – impossibly, Esposito screamed even louder. Those claws must be strong – and bundling it up, holding it to his chest.

Esposito jumped to his feet. "Why is he still moving? I hit him with the tranquilizers!"

"Um, guys?" They turned towards Ryan, who had been oddly quiet, just in time to see his eyes roll up in his head as he slowly slid to the floor, knocked out.

Kate sighed. Of course_. Of course. _"Yeah, I don't think you hit the ferret."

"Excuse me." Gates was eerily calm in the midst of chaos. "Was that a ferret Mr. Castle just removed from Detective Esposito's head?"

Kate shot a glance to Castle, panicked. "Are…are you asking me?"

"Well. Detective Karpowski seems to be incapacitated on her desk. Detective Ryan appears to have suffered some sort of fainting fit, and Detective Esposito looks catatonic. So yes, Detective Beckett, I am asking you."

"Uh…" Kate's mind was completely blank, _because there was no explanation for a ferret on Esposito's head. _ Gates was wearing her "you all are fired" face and Kate would half-think this was a dream, except she never had dreams this dumb.

"It's the cat-burglar circus crime-ring. Sir."

Gates turned her head to Castle. Her hair was a mess. "The cat-burglar circus crime-ring?"

Castle was rocking the ferret back and forth, like he was trying to sooth it. "Yes, you know, Robbery's case. This is their ferret. It was confiscated during the raid. It must have gotten loose in the precinct somehow."

Gates tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. "Fascinating. And tell me, Mr. Castle, what did the cat-burglar circus crime-ring do with this ferret?"

Castle sucked in a breath, stalling. Kate realized she was holding her breath, her hand still against her mouth. "I think they used it on small jobs, or in a crowd. They had trained it as a pickpocket. I'm pretty sure the guy in Robbery said its name is Fagin –"

"Thank you." Gates held a hand to stop him and Castle fell silent, still rocking the ferret. Gates slowly shook her head. "Mr. Castle. Always at the ready with an explanation. A story."

Castle shrugged modestly. "I try."

Gates pursed her lips and scanned the room, her hair sticking up and staticky, her hands still raised in front of her."You know what? There are some moments when, as Captain, it is more prudent not to know. I believe that now is one of those moments. Consider this your one and only get out of jail free card."

And she turned and walked into her office, shutting the door behind her.

"Did she just let us off?" Kate knew she was standing there with her mouth hanging opened. She turned to Castle, her eyes huge. "That settles it. This is the craziest day ever."

Castle was glancing back and forth between the unconscious Ryan and Esposito, who had yet to say anything, but might have been whimpering. "I think those guys in the Mounted Unit were messing with you, man. It's a good thing you hit Ryan. You would have killed the ferret for sure."

Kate wondered if that would have really been a bad thing.

Castle turned to Karpowski, the squirming buddle of ferret still tucked securely under his arm. "Hey, I'll get you your sweater back later, okay?"

Karpowski didn't lift her head from her desk, only moving to wave her hand in the air. "Keep it. It's tainted now."

No way. There was just no way this had just happened. Kate glanced from Karpowski, to Esposito with his thousand yard stare, to Ryan tranquilized on the floor. She wondered if Dr. Burke would give them a group rate.

This day could not be real.

"Hey." Castle moved up beside her, the squirming ferret now clutched to his chest. "That was awesome." He smiled, that unfettered smile of pure happiness, and Kate felt her stomach flip and her breath come short.

Everything rushed back. Everything. "Yeah." Kate knew an answering smile was breaking out across her face. "It was."

(Please let this day be real.)

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><p><strong>4:32 pm., 12<strong>**th**** precinct, bullpen. How is it possible that it is not yet 5:00? How?**

Gates placated – check

Ryan "sleeping" comfortably at his desk - check

Ferret drugged and safely in the (locked) desk drawer – check

Castle had fussed over the ferret, while Kate pretended to roll her eyes and Esposito sat at his desk and tried not to look at them. He held it as it fell asleep, before laying it carefully in the drawer and tucking it in with Karpowski's sweater.

"Will it be okay in there? Can it breathe?"

"It's a desk drawer, Castle, not a bank vault. It'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" He looked anxious, and Kate didn't even try to pretend that she didn't find it completely endearing that he was worried about the ferret.

"I promise. Don't worry." She nudged him with her hip. "Do I need to tranq you too?"

He waggled his eyebrows at her. "Sounds kinky." And her stomach dropped and her face flushed and good lord, when was it going to be five o'clock?

Now Kate sat at her desk, Castle in his chair next to her. He stretched out and rubbed his eyes. "Wow. I don't think I've ever worked so hard doing nothing in my life, and for me that's really saying something."

His tone was nonchalant, giving nothing away, but one hand was on her thigh, the heat from his skin hot against hers, even through her pants. She was trying really hard not to squirm, and from the way he kept shooting her hot little looks while slowly inching his fingers higher, he could totally tell.

Her phone rang, and she looked away to answer it, hoping against hope that she would sound like she was a professional at work, and not like she was naked in Castle's bed. Oh god. Naked. His bed. She swallowed hard.

"Beckett." She sucked in a breath. "Where?" Kate tucked the phone against her shoulder and grabbed a pen, studiously avoiding looking at Castle, who was now stroking up the inside of her thigh. "Yeah. On my way." She pocketed her phone as she stood up and grabbed Castle's hand, pulling him up with her.

"Oh my god, get your coat. We're saved. There's a body."

Castle folded his fingers around hers and held her there, frowning. "Wait. What about Ryan? We can't just leave him like this."

Kate glanced at Ryan, peacefully sleeping at his desk, a slight but growing puddle of drool visible under his cheek. Kate felt guilty for about half a second, but…

"There's been a _murder,_ Castle. We have to go. Esposito will just have to deal with it."

Castle's shoulders slumped in relief. He grabbed his coat and followed her to the elevator, stepping aside to let off the uniform leading a lone handcuffed clown still clutching a balloon animal behind his back before they stepped on.

"Thank god. I'm exhausted."

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><p><strong>4:40 pm., 12<strong>**th**** precinct, elevator. Finally.**

"So." Castle bumped her shoulder with his. "Where's the body?"

He was smiling, but something in his face…disappointment. It hit her then. They had a body. They had a case. They were going to be here all night. Here, and not…dammit.

The elevator doors slid opened and Kate stepped on, fighting her way to the back, her fingers still loosely intertwined with his.

It was full. They were surrounded by the latest round of circus people on their way back to lockup, including their old friend the hypnotist and a pair of identical twins dressed in leopard print jumpsuits. In the corner, requiring two uniformed guards, was a gentleman in pantaloons, a jacket with tales, and a top hat. He looked a little worse for the wear.

"It's the ringleader! The ringleader for the cat-burglar circus crime-ring!" Castle hissed in her ear, delighted, and his breath on her neck sent such a shock of desire through her that it was all she could do to stop herself from kissing him. She did her best to appear unaffected as they stood against the back of the elevator together, their shoulders touching, his thumb rubbing the sensitive inside of her wrist. Her stomach was a riot of butterflies, because in just a minute they would be alone, even if it would be on the way to a crime scene.

"You know," Kate swallowed, her mouth dry. _Alone with him. In a car._ She had to stop, lick her lips, try to pull in adequate air. She had to say something, anything, just to try and focus on something besides the tingling sensation along every nerve in her body, sensation feathering from his softly stroking thumb. "I secretly think cat burglars are kind of bad ass."

Castle's fingers stilled, his eyes wide. "You do?" He wrapped his hand around her wrist, his palm hot and smooth. "Sorry. I'm just imagining a cat suit." His eyes were burning. "On you."

It's like a switch had been flipped. Nothing is new and yet everything is.

"Really?" They were barely whispering so as not to be overheard, and Kate went up on her toes, her lips almost touching his ear. He froze. "Do I look as good as these girls?"

Castle's fingers spasmed against her arm. He turned his face to her, his cheek against hers, his mouth against her ear, moist and hot. "Kate? Don't you know? No one is as good as you."

All the air left her body in a rush and Kate took an abrupt step back, needing at least a sliver of distance or she was going to attack him in this crowded elevator in front of the leopard twins and everyone. She looked up at his face, so serious, his eyes the darkest blue she had ever seen them.

They're going to be alone in a minute, and it was worse now, because she knew. She knew how it would be between them and she wasn't going to make it, she wasn't…

Kate pulled her phone out of her pocket, half noticing that her hands were shaking. She quickly dialed, all the while holding Castle's gaze, that burning blue.

The call connected. "Carver. This is Beckett. We've just had a body drop. I've had a personal emergency and was hoping you could cover for me?" Kate listened, her eyes never leaving Castle. As soon as he realized what she was doing his gaze became so hot she was surprised that she didn't spontaneously combust right there next to the guy in the sequined unitard. "Thanks. Esposito has the details." She dropped her phone in her pocket, her hand still shaking as she comprehended what she had just done, what it would mean.

The elevator jerked as it came to a stop, the bell dinging. The doors slid opened to the lobby, and Castle pushed past the circus folk on their way to holding, his hand still clamped around her wrist. Kate almost tripped on her own heels as he all but dragged her across the lobby and through the front doors.

Outside the snow was whirling fast and thick, obscuring her vision, muting all sound. Everything felt surreal and magical and this couldn't really be happening to her.

Castle skidded to a stop in front of the town car – impossibly parked directly in front of the precinct – his feet nearly slipping in the heavy snow. He managed to right himself, throw open the passenger door and swing her inside all before she even realized what was happening. He must have called for the car service earlier, could have had it waiting all day, but...

"No driver?"

Castle climbed in, shut the driver side door with a muted thunk, and scooted to the middle, turning to face her.

"No. I, um, thought...no."

And now here they were, staring at each other across front seat, their rapid puffs of breath visible in the air between them. The swirling snow at the windows enclosing them, wrapping them up. They were parked on the street but it felt like they were the only two people left in the world.

"So." Castle swallowed and reached for her hand again, tentative. "Cat burglars, huh?"

Kate blinked. He wanted to talk about cat burglars? His hand lightly trembled in hers, every line in his body tense.

Despite the cold, a slow warmth started to spread through her as realization hit. Castle was nervous.

He was probably terrified she was going to step back, put on the brakes. Because she would have. Kate was sorry she had made him feel that way, but the guilt, the horrible indecisive guilt, was gone. Everything was different now and she wasn't stopping anything.

This was happening. It struck Kate then, the inevitability of them. Not just now, in this car surround by snow and finally alone, but always, from the moment they met. And Castle was as nervous as she was. They had been playing the same game all along.

Her heart almost ached with tenderness for him. "Yeah." She turned her hand so they were palm to palm, his warmth spreading up her arm, dissipating the chill. "Like a superhero, you know? A vigilante cat burglar."

Castle shifted in his seat, carefully letting out a breath. "That's...wow. You could be a homicide detective by day, cat burglar by night. A whole new direction for Nikki Heat." He was going for casual but he was babbling, his voice almost shaking. It gave Kate courage.

She scooted across the front seat, as close as she could get in the confides of the car. The snow whirled at the windows, blocking out the world. She tucked her leg underneath her, angling her body towards his. She reached up to run her fingers down his jaw, giving into the impulse she'd had all day and forever.

Castle closed his eyes. She could actually see his chest jerk as his breath stuttered out. His voice was hoarse, restrained. His eyes an impossible, burning blue.

"You'd have to be careful though, not to get caught. Scandal"

Kate nudged even closer, her ankle crossing his, her hand against his neck. She could feel his pulse moving at an incredible speed, like his heart was about to burst. She had to kiss him soon. She muttered something, anything, flirting, skirting the edge.

"If I got caught, you could break me out of jail. Would you get me out, Castle?"

Kate was teasing, but Castle's gaze flew to hers, emotion flickering across his face, something moving in his eyes that was more than just hunger, and suddenly he was reaching for her.

"Yes." His voice was rough, his hands urgent as he grasped her waist and pulled her across his lap, her knees on either side of his hips. He splayed one hand against the small of her back and pulled her close, his other hand cradling the back of her head. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, like he couldn't even look at her, like it was abruptly too much. He gasped, his breath hot against her throat. "I would get you out of jail."

He lifted his head, his fingers still threaded through her hair. He shook his head, laughed almost to himself. "I would get you out of jail. I would help you foil a hypnotist, and fool your boss, and catch a ferret, and any other insane thing you needed. I would do anything for you, always. It's what you do for the people you love."

Castle was trying to smile, but his eyes were bright with tears, burning with an intensity that belied his teasing words. Kate heart stuttered as she realized that this was it. She took deep breath as she felt the wave crash over her.

"What you do for the people you love?" His arms clenched against her back as she spoke, his body surrounded her, buoying her up.

Castle stopped breathing, and for a moment was completely still. Then he sucked in a breath, his eyes defiant, determined. With both hands on her face her pulled her towards him and whispered in her ear, his voice hard and sure. "Yes. The person that I love. I love you, Kate."

And then his mouth was on hers and he was kissing her and finally, finally.

The air was freezing but his mouth was hot, scorching, and she couldn't get enough, couldn't get close enough. She was slammed into desire, ignited by the love she denied for so long, finally bursting free. Her hips were already undulating against his, her hands frantically delving beneath his coat and his jacket and, God, why was he wearing so many clothes? She almost ripped his shirt trying to get it out of his pants, trying to get to bare skin.

He was kissing her back just as desperately, as if he had waiting so long he was never going to stop, and Kate knew she couldn't overwhelm him with her feelings for him when his own were so vast. His heart was big enough to take whatever she could give, and she was tired of waiting.

She loved him. And that would change her forever, but not into someone Castle wouldn't recognize. She might not be exactly the woman he fell in love with, but she was something better. The woman that he loved.

She had been so wrong. Her love wouldn't overwhelm either one of them. It would surround them, bind them together, keep them safe. It couldn't pull them under. Not while they were holding each other up.

Kate wrenched her mouth from his...she had to tell him…"Castle." Her hands were on his face, his neck, pushing back his hair, his bright, bright eyes inches from her own. She should have been breathless; instead she sounded brave and true. "Me, too. I love you, too."

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><p>fin<p>

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><p>Whew! In just under the wire.:)<p>

Writing this has been such a wonderful, rewarding experience for me, and I can't thank all of you enough; everyone who alerted and favorited and commented, some of you on every single chapter. I've gotten to know some truly wonderful people. Thank you so, so much for all your support and for continuing to read, even though this story was crazy and it took months. I hope you had fun. I definitely did. You guys are awesome.:)

Less than 24 for hours until Always! EEEEE!


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